Avatar Famous Award Acceptance Speeches – #47

Transcript from the original recording – 3 August 2014

“Thank you, thank you for your kind words.

When I first started the Woefully Inept Plumbing Company back in 2001 I was told that I, Woefully Inept, had a stupid name. They told me that my name was not a name and that whoever had named me was an idiot. That really got to me; that two hundred people could come up with the same idea, the same awful joke, and that two hundred people would take the time to call me up, as they did back then, and tell me. It’s not as if I’d never heard it before. I had a difficult time during school, and those of you that are close to me will know that growing up was no easy task. I was the butt of a lot of jokes that swept through the school like a rampant case of man flu. I certainly did my time several lifetimes over, but I held on in there and I got my two GCSE’s in Leisure and Tourism and Graphic Design, and until this moment that was the third happiest moment in my life.

Pauses to cough and take a sip from a glass of water

My company was built from the ground up. It took a very long time for the public to catch on that the Woefully Inept Plumbing Company was not a description of the kind of service they could expect from my staff, that I was not actively trying to describe the poor levels of work that would encourage the likes of BBC’s ‘Watchdog’ to come and investigate us. I did not want to name my company after anything else but the very thing that had kept me going through the darkest moments. I am me and I am my company, and to name it anything else would be cheating myself and my family out of the honour of having a successful business.

Yes, we did not turn a profit for over eight years yet my fierce determination would not deter me from my dream. You cannot spell ‘determination’ without ‘me’. You cannot spell ‘determination’ without ‘dream’.

I am that me. This is that dream.

So to all those people who ever doubted me, to those that mocked the choices that paved the way to this very point, and to those people that still call and send humorous emails with mean and derogatory comments, I accept this award on their behalf. Thank you.”

14 comments on “Famous Award Acceptance Speeches – #47

  • A hugely famous and influential speech. I remember watching the National Baking Awards and being surprised that a plumbing company won Best Soufflé. But it was well deserved.

  • Come now Kev, we all know that you built your house from scratch and regularly replace all the fittings on a tri-weekly basis.

  • Don’t be silly. Kev’s house is now so big that he employs several hundred workmen just to carry out basic maintenance.

  • Is that a fact? That’s shattered my whole perception of him and his life. What a shambles. What a womble.

  • He’s not a womble. True, parts of his house are underground and others overground, but he seldom makes good use of the things that he finds. Most of the stuff h uses he gets from the trade counter at Wickes.

  • Things that the every day folks leave behind?

    Do you think that wombles live exclusively in London or perhaps there were others, possibly rival gangs, living in different parts of the UK?

  • Parts of my estate are technically in London now. I get the wombles in twice a month to do the gardening.

  • I heard that your estate’s Deer Park and the South East wing of the house now constituted the London Borough of Chang.

  • When I was small the London Borough of Chang did not exist. The world is better now because of its existence.

  • The London Borough of Chang is very democratic. It runs on a one man, one vote basis. Kev is the man. He has the vote.

  • He must feel very odd being so chummy with the electorate. Campaigning will be easy though.

    “Will you vote for me? Yes I will. Smashing.”

  • Kev just writes “deploy” on his ballot paper when it’s election time. Then he gets back to piping silicone sealant around all his brickwork.

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