User avatarThe Face Update – Round Two

What you didn’t know is that secretly I wanted most of my face to be a giant mouth.

Hello and welcome back to my face. Nice to have you back. I have hinted at the technological advances in previous messages (in fact, there’s been a lot of bants about my visa/volto) so without further ado I present you with My Face Version 2.0:

1. Original Eyes – the original but not necessarily the best, as my prescription gradually gets worse with each opticians appointment.

2. Viewing Eyes – for my viewing pleasure.

3. Peering Eyes – the ones my peers are most jealous of.

4. Seeing Eyes – the best sight that money can buy (or chin boobs as someone once referred to them as).

5. Glimpsing Eyes – I’m sorry, was that a cat carrier full of empty beer cans? Let me take a glimpse.

6. Spotting Eyes – still a good back up pair when peering is out of the question. They have been moved from the top of the ear to underneath so the ear itself now also looks like a face. Handy.

7. Looking Eyes – guaranteed to help when trying to choose between buying one unnecessary thing and another unnecessary thing.

And now for the upgrades:

8. Noticing Eyes – when you can’t quite believe what you saw and need a second opinion.

9. Perception Eyes – or percepting eyes, able to perceive things for what they really are.

10. Mysterious Eyes – for confusing people and running away when you’ve forgotten to bring your wallet to the supermarket.

11. Triple Eyes – when you want people to believe you have psychic powers, the triple always steals the attention in your general direction.

12. Poker Eyes – nobody will call your bluff when you’ve got these babies on show.

I was hoping to have more at this point in my life yet I am still very happy with all my sets of eyes.

Look at me (ME!) and be inspired.

18 comments to The Face Update – Round Two

  • I think of all your eyes, it’s your noticing eyes that I find the most distressing, because they seem to be attached to the side of your main eyeballs. That’s horrifying.

  • What about the viewing eyes? They’re also peeping out above the top of my main eyes. They’re just as worrying as the noticing eyes.

  • Kevil

    What happens to your peering eyes when you get a haircut?

  • They look very precarious, don’t they? I have to wonder whether they’re detachable for easier maintenance.

  • I move them to a safe location during the rare (and increasingly rarer) instances when I go for a hair cut. Sometimes I tuck them in with my Spotting Eyes. It depends how I feel. Sometimes I throw them at elderly women at the bus stop.

  • Looking at this detailed medical diagram again, I am struck by the undeniable truth of what I said a couple of months ago: everybody you draw looks like either an angry Suggs or a demented Jimmy Hill.

  • What will you do as you get older and all of your other eyes’ prescriptions get worse? Will you fashion special chin glasses?

  • That’s the way I see the world, either demented Jimmy Hill (huge chin, negative body image) or angry Suggs (deep-seated emotion problems from a troubled childhood).

    It will cost a fortune to keep up with prescriptions for all my eyes. It’s cheaper to chuck ’em as they go wrong.

  • Presumably, since the people you get your eyes from make your eyes out of eyes, they can recycle your old eyes to make your new ones.

  • Exactly. This is why I need you on my team because you already know and understand the process.

    I’ve got so many spare eyes coming in to make more eyes I took one of those warehouses that stored my (burned) books in and used it to create an Eye Factory (or awkwardly named Ey-actory as the workers call it).

  • Why aren’t they calling it the “Factoreye”?

  • They’re not calling it that because that sounds like some kind of awful ITV game show, in the vein of ‘The Krypton Factor’.

  • I’d watch that. Especially if it involved contestants trying to fit as many eyes onto their face as they could.

  • They’d never manage it. Normal human beings cannot cope with more than one pair of eyes. It’s a super human to be able to stomach my face.

  • Wait. Your face has a stomach as well as twelve pairs of eyes?

  • There are so many secrets involving my face that there’s not enough time to go through them all. Trust me, as in me, when I say, as in me, that you don’t have the time.

  • I, as in me, think you, as in you, will find that I, as in me again, have all the time in the world, as in the world, to hear about your, as in your, facial accoutrements, as in additional items of dress or equipment.

  • I, as in me, can let you, as in you, into a few secrets but the majority of them are being kept back for my, as in me again, face’s autobiography, due out some time next year.

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