User avatarThe price of Ian’s face

What is Ian’s face worth to you? I wonder if you can even put a figure on it.

I can. Today I learned the exact monetary value of Ian’s face when I went to my local sorting office to collect a mysterious item. It turned out it was a letter sent by Ian’s attorney at law, Nicholas Wolfwood, explaining that he was not going to remove his face and send it to me. He hoped that three signed photocopies of Ian’s face, enclosed with the letter, would do instead.

Unfortunately, Ian’s attorney at law, Nicholas Wolfwood, is a cheapskate who had cut a stamp off another envelope and sellotaped it onto this one so that he didn’t have to actually pay for the postage. The Royal Mail is wise to these tricks, which is why they didn’t push it through my letterbox, and instead they put a yellow sticker on it that said NO POSTAGE PAID and I found a grey card telling me to go get it. When I presented myself at the sorting office, I had to pay £2 – that’s two London pounds – to get hold of it.

Whether or not you think I got value for money out of my two hard earned pounds is a matter of opinion. Whether you think Mr. Wolfwood should have coughed up at least 55p for a second class stamp rather than have me pay nearly four times that for the privilege of receiving his letter is up to you. But one thing is for sure. I now know with some certainty that the value of Ian’s face is about 66p, because I got three of them for two quid.

20 comments to The price of Ian’s face

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Now when you’re talking pounds and pence you mean London pounds and pence, right? What’s the current conversion rate?

  • I just checked. 47.87 Newcastle Pounds to one London Pound. #mathsquared

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    That is canny expensive. No wonder you’re miffed. My solicitor has used these kinds of stamps before and not experienced any problems. I wonder if you’re post people have bad ‘chudes.

  • That’s it. Blame it on the solicitor. Blame it on the postman. A lifetime of blame.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    If I look somewhere else, there is someone else to blame. It’s simple, erm, physics (?)

  • Blaming physics now too. I suspected as much. *shakes head knowingly*

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    What have physics ever EVER done for me? I mean other than keeping me on the planet so I don’t float off into space…

  • Nothing. That’s all physics has ever done for you. Whereas physics has kept me on the planet AND once bought me a rather nice bottle of Chianti for my birthday.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Do you get the birthday card and email each year? I hear there’s a secret list that Physics has and contacts only the nicest people on their special days.

    Biology also has a massive beef with me.

  • That’s quite appropriate because biology is the science that deals with beefs of all sizes.

    I don’t think I’m on the physics birthday list, but geography once sent me a book token.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Geography keeps trying to call and take me out for a drink to catch up on old times.

    I have no time for geography.

  • Geography didn’t tell me it was still in touch with you. What with this and history changing its phone number without telling me, I’m feeling pretty left out by the humanities lately.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Science was always your bezzie mate. Science keeps you the you-est of all the yous. I think that’s something we can all be thankful for.

  • Yeah. You’re right. Sociology and theology might talk smack about me, but biology has got my back, and geology and me are tight.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    At least you still have some on your side.

    Kev left school (?) and went to college (?) and he’s not been in touch with any of them. In fact, I’m sure English is chasing him for crimes against the English language.

  • You seem uncertain about whether or not Kev left school. At first I thought that was silly but then I realised that we have no evidence of this “job” he sometimes talks about. Maybe he actually is still at school.

  • We have no evidence of his “job” or that he left school. I know you did, because I saw it with my young eyes, and I know I did because I was there when it happened.

    This further proves that he never left and he must be sat in someone’s maths lesson with an over-sized dunce cap and a giant stick of chalk.

  • Is that why he wasn’t in the sixth form? Was he still in the actual school bit? That explains a lot.

  • Kevin do good at school. Me am in the top set fur maffs and inglesh.
    Y u mok Kevin?

  • He got his skills from tha STREET. Kevin be all tuff an’ shizz. Now he got three bathrooms he don’t need no education.

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