User avatarWhat Kevin does

So, what have we learned this week? Or it may be longer than a week. We have learned that Kevin never finished school and must be unemployed. How does he afford such a lavish lifestyle? How can he pay for an extravagant house, life and all those inhaler cups? Where does the money come from?

Thankfully, with the help of our army of scientists, we have managed to work out the answers to these questions. I was going to invent an invention (and it would have been a GOOD invention) however this was not required.

In order for Kevin to keep up appearances he follows this very strict, very organised regime:

8:00am – has breakfast, takes a couple of handy puffs from his inhaler cup, says goodbye to his wife and puts the Changlet in his car.

8:20am – drops the Changlet at nursery, where he can learn about cows, bees and other helpful things.

8:55am – waits until Sarah has left for work then sneaks back into his mansion.

9:10am – takes out his massive sack of rocks, found on the beach, and starts drawing faces on them.

10:10am – stops for a tea break to refill his levels. Drawing hilarious faces really takes it out of you.

11:00am – adds googly eyes and pipe cleaners for limbs to his Kev Rocks. Stops for a moment to take in just how much he has achieved in a few hours.

11:15am – unwraps huge hidden quantities of milk, eggs, plain flour, vegetable oil, sugar, salt, baking powder and vanilla extract.

11:30am – bakes the world’s largest waffle in his humongous back garden.

12:00pm – loads his Kev Rocks into his boot and straps the waffle to the top of his car.

12:30pm – drives to the Corn Exchange to set up shop.

1:00pm – sells chunks of his gigantic waffle to hapless tourists for five quid per bite. If you’re looking for a Kev Rock it’s upwards of eight pounds depending on the size of rock.

4:00pm – gathers all his money up and laughs manically.

4:05pm – throws the last of the waffle at dirty pigeons or, providing there’s enough, sells it to a homeless person as a tasty, makeshift mattress.

5:00pm – picks the Changlet up from nursery, dusting the shards of waffle off his hands.

5:30pm – drives home as though he’s been at a real job all day. Puts the child down and he’s straight back to the inhaler cup.

There’s not a lot to say after reading all that other than, well, maybe I should chuck my job in and do the same thing? Maybe I could take it a step further and build houses out of waffles.

Waffle house.

That is all.

22 comments to What Kevin does

  • This makes so much sense that there’s no way it’s not true. It HAS to be true. It also explains the strange waffle texture of Kev’s patio.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I have never felt comfier than when I am sat on his waffle patio, or waffle-o as it may come to be known, inhaling fluids through one of his many guest inhaler cups. His priority to his guests knows no bounds.

  • It’s this sort of nonsense that’s going to drive me to open the Character Hatchâ„¢ again.

    You don’t want that now do you?

    Have you any idea how long its taken me to get over the poodle grooming rumours?

  • I heard you’ve had a relapse and got back into DIY again.

  • I have, we’re working on the east wing currently. It should open to paying guests in 2021.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Three years? Far too long mate. You need to get Nick Knowles and his crew down; they’ll wrap that up in a matter of weeks.

  • Come on. Nick Knowles and his team are fast but they don’t have Kev’s attention to detail. All his balustrades are hand-flossed.

  • Yeah, there’ll be no cockney geezers doing the wiring in these parts, let me tell you.

    Balustrade flossing is a dying art, you have to support real craftsmen.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    The things you could teach the world about balustrade flossing. That said, your work on floor pimping is also equally magnificent.

  • I heard that the Pope himself visited Micklefield just to see the floor pimping for himself, and personally blessed Kev’s walnut-handled platinum floor pimping jemmy.

    (God I’ve missed this running joke)

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I heard that after the Pope visited, the Queen was seen leaving his premises clutching a mahogany, bitch-encrusted, cyber balustrade (because now they’re all the rage).

  • You know as well as I do that Her Maj loves anything that’s been densely crusted with bitches. She’ll pick your locks and have it away before you know where you are, and the police just turn a blind eye.

  • Yeah, they have to. Her Maj added it into their constitution. She’s basically untouchable when it comes to anything bitch-encrusted.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Can you imagine how much she would lose her shit if she was given a bitch-encrusted deck of swans?

  • I once decked a swan. It wasn’t encrusted with anything but it was pretty miffed when I booted it into the canal.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I heard that if you deck a swan the Queen personally visits your flat when you’re not there and leaves a shit on your bed.

  • That explains a lot.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Is that what happened to you? Did Steve deck a swan, which I have heard a rumour he does sometimes, and receive a “personal visit” from the Queen?

  • No, I decked a swan. I thought I’d been pretty explicit about that. Unfortunately Steve had left his bitch-encrusted clogs in the hall and the Queen made off with them when she left.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    The Queen giveth and the Queen taketh away.

  • Yes. Though, specifically, the Queen giveth a swift uppercut to the jaw, and the Queen taketh away anything stylishly encrusted with bitches to be added to her massive underground bitchvault.

  • And what a bitchvault it must be! The Royal Family would make an absolute fortune if they opened it to the public.

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