User avatarBehold! Ian’s books

We all know that Ian has turned out an awful lot of books in his lifetime, most of them lengthy and devoid of all interest; we also know that every copy that could be found has been systematically incinerated by the cleansing flames of justice.

Even though it is entirely right and proper that his books have all been consumed by fire, I have decided that we should preserve some record of them. We should do this by making sure there is an archive of their covers.

What I mean by that is this: I’ve been back through the whole of the Beans and found all ten books that Ian claims to have written, and I’ve made covers for them all.

Behold! Ian’s books.

Here’s where the books came from originally, in case you’re wondering. Ass Face Ass (June 2017); David Bowie’s Big Boy Runaround (October 2015); Collected Shopping Lists (August 2018); Grappling With the Gates of Me (November 2016); How You Can You Be? (June 2018); Ian’s Face (October 2018); Running Away (October 2015); Sangr-Ian (January 2016); Thirst Pocket Hysteria (June 2016); When Mooses Collide (November 2016).

26 comments to Behold! Ian’s books

  • I burst out laughing when I saw these. This is by far the greatest collect of things my face has ever been on!

    I don’t even remember most of these!

  • I only remembered a few of them. I didn’t know when I started that there would be as many as ten. But there are, and they’re brilliant. (I’m stretching it a bit with Ian’s Face: The Autobiography, and Collected Shopping Lists, because I suggested those to you, but you seemed to go along with it so I chose to assume you went off and wrote them.)

  • I’m trying to decide which is my favourite and I can’t, they’re too good.

    It would have to be split between Ass Face Ass, Grappling with the Gates of Me (for just how awful I look on the front) and Thirst Pocket Hysteria, which does actually sound like a real book.

  • My favourite is “When Mooses Collide”, partly because it has the sort of terrible design and colour scheme that all cheap motivational books have, and partly because the phrase “a succulent journey” still makes me laugh every time I read it.

  • Throw in the word ‘betwixt’ and you’ve got a winner.

    Everything about this is a winner. Can I have it on wrapping paper to wrap up Christmas presents in? Friends and loved ones will love getting more of my face in their lives.

  • I’ve checked in Card Factory and Cards Galore, and neither of them had wrapping paper in stock with these book covers on them. So the answer is: no. No, you can’t have this on wrapping paper.

  • So… so what you’re saying is that after a successful crowd-funding, you will look to put my face wrapping paper in stores nation wide as soon as you can?

  • Yes. That’s precisely what I’m saying. Once you’ve got the successful crowd funding together, you just pass the funds my way and I’ll look straight into the whole wrapping paper side of things.

  • You’ve already gone this far, shouldn’t you go a little further? Shouldn’t you, as in you, sort the bread and then bake the loaf?

  • You can’t sort the bread until after you’ve baked the loaf. So what needs to happen here is that you get crowdfunding and I’ll be ready with the butter knife when the time comes.

  • Yes. You mangle out the bread and then cook it, and I’ll be sure to come in at the very end to snaffle up the crusts.

  • Did someone say there’d be toast? I fancy a slice of (hot) buttery toast.

    I never commented on this which, quite frankly, is an insult to the brilliance that it is. I think ‘Running Away’ is my favourite, although ‘When mooses collide’ is a close second. Close.

  • Thank you for your kind words. There will indeed be toast. As I understand it, Ian is mounting a huge crowdfunding campaign, for something or other, and while he’s at it he’s going to swing by the kitchen and make us all a round of toast.

  • Come now, Chris, there’s no need to be shy.

    Everyone! Chris has agreed to fund a huge crowdfund fund to make wallpaper with my face on it. I can tell you’re all just as excited as I am and will be buying a hundred rolls each once its out!

  • That’s great, but when is the toast ready?

  • You wouldn’t want my toast. You know how I make toast. It’s gonna be cold and have a thick slab of butter on the top.

    If you wanna chug down a plate of that then be my guest. It’ll be ready in five minwahs.

  • The question that none of your books have ever addressed is why you make such disastrous toast. Is there a course we could send you on?

  • He makes nice toast… he just then leaves it to get cold for some reason before adding butter that will never melt and serving it up to his disappointed guests/indoctrinated son.

  • That’s worse, really, isn’t it? It’s not making bad toast at all. It’s ruining good toast. Taking toast that had a bright future and wrecking it.

  • The bastard.

    Imagine being that piece of toast, excited for your hot buttery future only to be neglected until you’re past your prime, coated in a cold buttery layer and half-heartedly enjoyed by someone who knows how good you could have been.

  • (FYI these photos are still making me laugh six weeks later).

    The way I do toast is my way and it will never change. If you want to slather butter on your heated up bits of bread and then push them into your face holes then do it. I don’t want wet toast.

  • It’s not wet. How are you making it wet? My toast is never wet.

  • The butter gets put on the toast, the toast melts the butter, the toast goes wet. You’re too busy slobbering down your greasy bread to notice how moist it is.

  • Butter melted into toast doesn’t make it wet. If it’s wet you’ve done something wrong. Moistened, yes. A layer of softened toast with butter melted into it, yes. Wet, no. Wet is what happens if you run your toast under the tap.

  • I’d go as far as moist. You’d need to melt a LOT of butter into that slice for it to be considered wet. I’m sure it would cool down to the point that butter didn’t melt before it could be called wet.

    Maybe that’s your answer, butter it hot, wait for it to go cold then apply more butter. Nah that’s bollocks.

  • Take your toast opinions and stick them up your Bula Quos, gentlemen.

Leave a Reply

  

  

  

Optionally add an image (JPG/JPEG only)