User avatarBehold! Ian’s books

We all know that Ian has turned out an awful lot of books in his lifetime, most of them lengthy and devoid of all interest; we also know that every copy that could be found has been systematically incinerated by the cleansing flames of justice.

Even though it is entirely right and proper that his books have all been consumed by fire, I have decided that we should preserve some record of them. We should do this by making sure there is an archive of their covers.

What I mean by that is this: I’ve been back through the whole of the Beans and found all ten books that Ian claims to have written, and I’ve made covers for them all.

Behold! Ian’s books.

Here’s where the books came from originally, in case you’re wondering. Ass Face Ass (June 2017); David Bowie’s Big Boy Runaround (October 2015); Collected Shopping Lists (August 2018); Grappling With the Gates of Me (November 2016); How You Can You Be? (June 2018); Ian’s Face (October 2018); Running Away (October 2015); Sangr-Ian (January 2016); Thirst Pocket Hysteria (June 2016); When Mooses Collide (November 2016).

10 comments to Behold! Ian’s books

  • I burst out laughing when I saw these. This is by far the greatest collect of things my face has ever been on!

    I don’t even remember most of these!

  • I only remembered a few of them. I didn’t know when I started that there would be as many as ten. But there are, and they’re brilliant. (I’m stretching it a bit with Ian’s Face: The Autobiography, and Collected Shopping Lists, because I suggested those to you, but you seemed to go along with it so I chose to assume you went off and wrote them.)

  • I’m trying to decide which is my favourite and I can’t, they’re too good.

    It would have to be split between Ass Face Ass, Grappling with the Gates of Me (for just how awful I look on the front) and Thirst Pocket Hysteria, which does actually sound like a real book.

  • My favourite is “When Mooses Collide”, partly because it has the sort of terrible design and colour scheme that all cheap motivational books have, and partly because the phrase “a succulent journey” still makes me laugh every time I read it.

  • Throw in the word ‘betwixt’ and you’ve got a winner.

    Everything about this is a winner. Can I have it on wrapping paper to wrap up Christmas presents in? Friends and loved ones will love getting more of my face in their lives.

  • I’ve checked in Card Factory and Cards Galore, and neither of them had wrapping paper in stock with these book covers on them. So the answer is: no. No, you can’t have this on wrapping paper.

  • So… so what you’re saying is that after a successful crowd-funding, you will look to put my face wrapping paper in stores nation wide as soon as you can?

  • Yes. That’s precisely what I’m saying. Once you’ve got the successful crowd funding together, you just pass the funds my way and I’ll look straight into the whole wrapping paper side of things.

  • You’ve already gone this far, shouldn’t you go a little further? Shouldn’t you, as in you, sort the bread and then bake the loaf?

  • You can’t sort the bread until after you’ve baked the loaf. So what needs to happen here is that you get crowdfunding and I’ll be ready with the butter knife when the time comes.

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