Category: Ian

Avatar From the archives: Ian’s essay

A billion years ago, Ian and I had the use of a teacher’s office at school. When we left school we missed this tightly controlled social space, and a wave of nostalgia washed over us in the aimless days between finishing sixth form and starting to live in the real world.

While still feeling the aftershocks, Ian put pen to paper and wrote this essay about his time there, which for some reason I have on an old hard drive.

A small SSSSSS-SSSSSS-Essay by Dave

Why did I love the office? Well, being four score 90 years and a bit, I feel it is my duty as an ex-member of the office to explain to the people who never experienced the office (clumsy heathens!) because it is inexplainable. Don’t think you can stop me. I have credentials now, and a bank account. Do you know where most of the money go… anyway

The office, a stalwart if ever there was a stalwart. I remember the first time walking in there; I didn’t have a fucking clue what to think. There was this guy who I remember playing P.E. with, mainly cos we both sucked at it (George). There was this guy who sat at the back of my Biology class in year 9 and everyone knew his name, I just kinda didn’t know who the hell he was, well my back was turned to him so it’s not my fault (Chuckie). And another guy called Marshall, who looked like Kelly Jones (although he claims he isn’t). Alex was there too, twas a brisk and subtle morning sometime in a year. I started off as a cleaner and rose to the ranks of an equal amongst the others. We had a government and all. There were many times my head hurt and we ate biscuits. Thankyou goodnight!

…… …….. …….

Was that clear enough or is it just me? Ok, so we were a bit nerdish but that wasn’t the point! We had a place to go that was warm, safe, full of food, nearby, had a computer to play music and doss about with, and a private table to do work on if we could be arsed. I couldn’t. Chuckie did when it was 5 minutes before his Geography lesson. George did most of his at home and Marshall hardly ever turned up to Art. Yet we all still passed EVERYTHING so it just goes to show, you can get away with it. Thankyou goodnight!

….. ………………….. blip

In all honesty school was fucking fuckshit. The only reason to bother going was the office. It will always remain in our hearts, and remind us not to take life seriously as a wise young Greecian once told me, “Life is for living” and ain’t that the truth baby!

By Dave – 30 minutes before work

Avatar YouTube promo

Hey guys, Face Uncle back to rock your world.

I’ve been trying out some new things on my channel, based on comments and questions from YOU in the discord. They’re some pretty wild ideas and I’m all for it.

Here’s a little teaser for my upcoming video, which will be uploaded at the usual time of 4.00pm on Friday. Every Friday.

I’ve really gone through the looking glass here, guys, and I’m hoping you’ll join me for the ride.

There’ll also be some YouTube shorts showing all my usual outtakes and there are TONS so be sure to keep an eye out for these.

Don’t forget to like, comment and subscribe!

Avatar We are all last minuters

You run a remarkably successful (?) website. You need to come up with content every single month to entertain the millions (?) of punters who keep turning up for laughs (?).

Okay, I’ll stop there.

If you ever needed proof that despite our best intentions, we all normally earn a bean by scraping something up on the last day of the month then here it is:

I did a screenshot with an even longer list but I think I may have deleted it and/or it got lost in the hundreds of baby orb photos I’ve taken since September.

Hey, we’re all human. Coming up with new and entertaining ideas is hard when you lead such busy lifestyles such as ourselves. I’m not going to beat myself up over something as trivial as this. I’m going to listen to the weird whistling sound the radiator in the dining room makes now that we’ve had a new boiler installed and smile.

Avatar The Face Update – Round Four

Hello and welcome back to my face.

It has been almost six years since the last update on my face and a lot has happened since then.

Actually, that’s a bit of a lie. Other than finding more grey hairs, more wrinkles and some weird lines appearing to the sides of my cheeks, it’s pretty much business as usual. My face keeps going on and on, and there’s not much you can do to stop it.

The photo I took isn’t great and I’ll have to apologise for the lack of fidelity; those lines keep appearing on all my photos, must be something to do with the lens. Let’s catch up with my face:

  1. Original Eyes – due to the recent addition of the Orb, they’re now running double, sometimes triple time. The strain is much more visible and in order to stay awake, more coffee has been input which results in bigger pupils and the chance of accidentally smashing a plate has increased sevenfold.
  2. Looking (tired) Eyes – even the original Eyes need to take a break every now and then. The LTEs are there to make me look dazed and confused.
  3. Confused Eyes – when even the most simple of tasks is way beyond me, such as finding a pen that works or opening a door without hitting myself with it.
  4. Inexplicably Happy Eyes – used for when the Orb gets to spend some time with grandma and grandpa. You look all weepy as though it’s so difficult to leave him behind and then whip out the IHEs when you’re reversing out of the driveway at 30mph.
  5. Spare Eyes – when all the other Eyes have been ran into the ground, I’m going to need a pair to get me back to the eye hospital to get more installed. They only last 24hrs but they’re worth it. You gotta have a spare.

I haven’t really felt the need to add any new pairs in ages. The fluctuations in the market, along with the ever-increasing price of eyes, has forced me to rely on most of the same ones from 2020. I do feel sorry for the Original Eyes who every day shoulder such a huge strain for the rest of the face. If I can find the time, I’ll send them away to a fancy spa for the weekend for rest and recuperation.

Thankfully there hasn’t been much need for eyes other than your day-to-day activities. If I was asked to, I don’t know, start planning a party for Dua Lipa I’d have to refuse; I don’t have the eyes to spare, Dua, ask someone else.

Jeez. Every Tuesday.

Avatar Can we be serious, please?

I need you to all listen to me very carefully when I say this. I am deadly serious.

I need you to understand that there is a time for nonsense and there is also a time for being serious. I am the most serious I’ve ever been without crossing that line and turning into Serious Ian again (nobody wants that).

If we’re to start this new year fresh then you’re all going to have to give me enough time to eat my oranges.

I don’t want to hear your excuses. I don’t want you running into my house with whatever gibberish you need to tell me; it can wait. I need to take some time to eat my oranges.

Whatever you need to tell me, put a pin it in and try me the next day. Whatever job needs doing, you’re going to have to give me some extra time to get it finished. I’ve got oranges to eat and I won’t let anyone get in my way.

There. I’ve said it. Don’t get upset because I’m telling everyone the same thing. My oranges come first.

Avatar Newsboost – unused material (part two)

I think I deserve credit for not diving into this straight away after unleashing this hotch potch of box-ticking nostalgia bait. I waited a whole *checks* four months before phoning it in again. You’re welcome.

I also deserve a hearty pat on the back for writing a ‘quick post to earn a bean’ post nine days before the end of the month. I’m breaking all the rules of convention. What a trendsetter I am. You’re also welcome (God, this is exhausting).

We need some kind of awards ceremony to celebrate how great I am not just at being me but also being me in written form.

Anyway, enough of that. Let’s dive back into 2014 Ian to see what was going through his mind:

  • An apple a day keeps the cold-calling telemarketing away
  • Giant butt sea castle
  • Torch eyes tours
  • Dyslexic spelling error sky writer message
  • Nuclear fallout – beetles and lens solution
  • Learning to write with toothpaste is silly
  • Sugar cube igloo
  • Snake shoelaces. Worm shoelaces?
  • Bulldog clips rep is misguided (?)
  • Fruit tennis
  • Return of the icing sugar squirrels (this one still makes me laugh)
  • Napkins have feelings too, you know
  • Bog roll binoculars
  • Public trampolines
  • New type of screwdriver

The rest of the ideas from this page were so good they were used in the Twitter feed because they’re all crossed out.

What a great time was had by all.

Avatar ABOFB 40: Slogans

Continuing our ‘peek-behind-the-curtain’ theme, this week we let you in on our discussions as to whether the podcast needs a slogan. After 25 episodes we finally named the podcast and 15 episodes later, in this 40th and final episode of series 4, we actually use it for the first time. In this episode we…

  • Bounce around some terrible slogan suggestions
  • Have some practice starts to try them out
  • Get distracted by Tigers
  • Fail to come up with a slogan

Avatar Anniversary (M-me)

July was a very important anniversary for me. It officially marked my twentieth year up in the North-East of England.

I forget the actual day, some point in July we jumped in a van and drove almost hundred miles into the distance. That doesn’t matter anyway because we’re already way past that point.

Why didn’t I mention it sooner? I was planning on writing this last month and never did. As a prolific writer of bobbins posts, you think of and store one or two things you plan to do in the future. I may have even been planning to do this a lot earlier. Part of me wanted to go all out and wrangle some people together for a party. That would have been nice.

But it never happened. July is a busy month for most people what with the summer holidays, Kev’s birthday, Independence Day, National Fried Chicken Day, National Lipstick Day any many, many more. Trying to shoehorn a sort of important but not really party into all of that would have been exhausting and I doubt many would have been in attendance. Besides, I was too busying wearing so many different types of lipstick that it slipped my mind.

Will I remain up here for another twenty years? I suppose so, what with another tiny person on the way. I’d rather not be putting everything I own (which is a lot more things than 2005 Ian) in a moving van and driving to another part of the country. People barely tolerate me here so there’s no way they’d want me down in *checks* Wells-Next-The-Sea? Is that a real place? It’s on a map but it doesn’t sound like a real place.

Everyone LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! Okay, now stop.