User avatarCongratulations! It’s an orb!

Pregnancy, eh? What’s all that about?

I mean we all know what it is about, don’t we? Humans making more humans to fill the spaces that other humans have left. It’s the great circle of life, the wheel of fortune. If we didn’t make more humans, who would sit in all those prams? Who would use them nappies? And, heavens above, who would leave all those tiny Lego pieces on the floor for you to stand on them and wish you didn’t have legs?

Kevin has the luxury of having one tiny chilblain with another on the way. But does he? Research taken earlier today by Professor Reuben does now suggest that Kev and his lovely wife Sarah may just be on the verge of having an orb instead of a human baby. The most recent scan taken by, pft, “doctors” shows a much rounder form than previously anticipated. The subject, Mrs S Hill, has a very orbular shape around the stomach and wombular areas. When I gently placed my hand on top of the orb it kicked, then it hummed and then my palm felt warm. Orbs are known for emitting both humming noises and warmth.

This came as quite a shock to the both of them. Myself and Professor Reuben set out the facts as we saw them in graphic detail, which involved several large sketch pads, a teatowel, three inhaler cups (thanks, Kev) and a dozen bottles of mayonnaise. Within mere minutes both of them were crying with what could only have been joy. Yes, it did mean ruining the surprise of rolling out a glowing orb on the big day although we believe it was for the best. Society has not come far enough to embrace the orbs and welcome them into the playground, the classroom and, most upsetting of all, into our hearts. 

What does that mean for the prospective parents? What do they have in store if they will be caring for an orb instead of a baby? In the interests of stretching out one very basic idea into several posts I have decided to extend this simple premise into a few separate articles of writing. I mean, why not? It’s the flavour of the month. Tune in next time for tips on how to look after their and maybe even your orb.

6 comments to Congratulations! It’s an orb!

  • There is much to enjoy here, but for me the very best thing to come of this is the word “orbular”. You can bet I’m going to use that again. What a gift.

  • Thanks. I know that there are some photos floating around showing some kind of human child but we all know that it was an orb in there.

  • I’ve only seen one picture so far and I strongly suspect the angle of the picture was carefully chosen to mask the strong orbularity that the child is undoubtedly exhibiting.

  • They’ve dressed him up, put a mask on and clothes. You can always tell if someone is hiding an orb. I’ve done it so often that I’m a master at orb hiding.

  • Are you a master of… orbfuscation?

    I bet it’s never orbvious when you do the hiding.

  • I’ve got so many certificates that I’m orbing out over here.

    Wait, that doesn’t make sense.

    Wait, that’s never stopped me before.

    I’ve got so many certificates that I’m orbing out over here.

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