User avatarFlimsy Floppy Bendy Batman

Everyone needs a mascot, everyone needs a prop. When you’re doing things with people (waaaaaaaaay!) it’s always good to have one particular item that everyone can focus on or channel their thoughts into when times are hard. The best example of this would have to be Dr Who, whose exploits of an eccentric flopping through dull science fiction stories would be even more boring had he/she been doing it on their own.

Heading down to Didsbury for a large selection of pints with scale perfect philanthropic Mexican-Chinese genius Kevin and grey-haired family man and insurance savage Tom, I decided that we needed something to drag along for our adventure. I already had a wealth of junk in my pockets (because that’s who I am) so I was immediately drawn to Lego Santa Claus. Yes, he’s small and likely to get lost however he’s made of the firm stuff: he can take twelve hours of drinking, easy to transport, brimming in playful colours and millions know who he is.

Cut to Tom’s wife Claire practically handing me an item that she is done with. “I don’t want to see it again, I don’t want it back. Please take it with you.” It’s a kid’s toy; Stretch Armstrong but it’s Batman. Bendy Batman. What possible harm could this have done to Claire? What evil lies within this rubbery realm of innocent fun? It didn’t occur to me, I placed him in my coat pocket and we left.

As it happens, even with my poor memory, I struggle to remember most of that Saturday. The tweets I made are baffling even by my standards. Photos are non-existent. Vague, sepia-tinged memories of being too drunk to go in the Slug and Lettuce, someone needing a jump start for their car outside a restaurant and pretending to care about football in the most crowded pub on the whole street are all that remain. Floppy Batman was there for all of it. He survived the night and came back in one piece, like a boss. There is a lot to admire.

As it happens, a few weeks later, I’m driving home from work and what do I see? An advert for Very.co.uk virtually on every single bus stop showing, in all his glory, Floppy Batman. It could have been another Batman toy, as there’s many many out there, but no, it’s him, the one and the same. Now he’s whoring himself out for Christmas everyone is going to have one soon. He’ll be accompanying other goons on other alcohol-fuelled Saturday evenings. It’ll take away the magic once the world is doing it. The tart.

I should have stuck with Lego Santa.

11 comments to Flimsy Floppy Bendy Batman

  • I know exactly what’s happened here. By you, as in the Blogger, Influencer and Trendsetter Ian M. M. M. M. McIver, being seen around the hotspots of Didsbury with Flimsy Floppy Batman, Flimsy Floppy Batman has automatically become a style icon.

    It happens to most people you’re seen in public with, and no wonder.

  • M-Me? As in me? I have that much power and influence over the world?

    I never knew it. Did it happen to you?

  • Yes. You’re an influencer. That’s a thing now.

    It did happen to me, but the effects wore off quickly.

  • I was looking for a new profession given that whatever it was last time fizzled out. I am now an influencer. I’ll get working on a cape that suits my moxie.

    I influenced you to be the best you that had ever been.

  • I think the problem with your last profession was your lack of interest. Failing to remember what it was you did, and referring to it only as “whatever it was”, was never a good career strategy.

  • I skip, I hop and jump to whatever job needs me. At the time I was doing that thing, that thing needed me. Right now I have to be a muse for the world with my trends.

  • So you’re Muse now? If you’re Muse then I need to ask you this: is there any difference between any of your albums?

  • Clearly Batman fell on hard times after his modelling job for Very.
    Perhaps that’s how he became floppy batman. Perhaps the floppiness is what stopped him getting (a)head. So to speak.

  • He definitely looks like he’s got his shit together in the Very advert. In the other picture he’s even lost his bat logo, like he’s some cheap Chinese knock-off or something.

  • We all fall on hard times. The advert will give Floppy Batman the attention he deserves and bring him back to the top. My job here is done.

  • In that case: well done, and thank you very much.

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