User avatarLord of the Rings – The Game

As I have wallowed in video games for the last thirty years or so, it would be prudent to describe me as some kind of a master or genius. I have devoted a large portion of my life to putting blocks in place, shooting demons in the face and running around two dimensional landscapes dressed as a plumber; I am sure we are all aware of the delights of Italian Stereotype Brothers – Deluxe Edition. So what’s all this about, Ian? Why are you wasting one of your valuable posts with this bin bag of erudite chunder? There are tons of video games about Lord of the Rings. Go look for them you sad sack!

And you’d be right, there are, but none like the one that I am proposing. What the world needs is another rubbish one-on-one fighting game and I plan to elbow my way into the market using J.R.R Tolkien’s celebrated characters. I’ve seen the films a few times and I’ve read the graphic novel (sorry, adult comics) of ‘The Hobbit’ so I know what I’m talking about. I don’t even need to change the name because the title includes a bad pun that I can use for hilarious comedic effect.

Rings. Lord of the Rings. You have fights in rings and they’re fighting to become the best of the best i.e. the Lord, that Lord of all the others. And they may get a ring to celebrate the fact that they’ve won and they’re the Lord of the Rings. You get me? Shall I go through it again?

So we nick some fighting engine from another game, slap together some rubbish drawings of Frodo and the like, throw in some backgrounds near a castle and a volcano and then sell it on steam for £50.00. Steam. Steam? Steam. Who wouldn’t want to see Gandalf decking a tag team of hobbits? We can pretend that the ring has made them all go crazy and on the way to the Crack of Doom they stop for a bit of a punch up. Yeah. See? It all makes sense when I’m in charge. This is the right thing to do because kids can only connect with stories if they’re in some kind of media. The books are way too long and the films are decades (!) old now, nobody wants that. I can re-educate the nation through my shonky video game idea.

Chris, I know you’ve never played one before but a video game is similar to a board game but on a screen and there’s no dice.

Also if anyone wants to invest in my idea I’m going to need six million pounds.

14 comments to Lord of the Rings – The Game

  • I am insulted. INSULTED. Of COURSE I have played a video game before. I distinctly remember playing Grand Theft Auto with you two. I used it to go for a nice walk.

  • Wasn’t that Driver? Or are you tawking about outside the Office?

  • I’m talking outside the Office. I’m talking in Kev’s house. I’m talking Vice City. I’m talking a lovely stroll in the park. I’m talking having the controller forcibly removed from my hands because it was so slow and annoying.

    I did also play Driver.

  • Now that sounds familiar. In the same way George would take the car out for a spin in Driver and would observe all the correct legal regulations for driving.

  • Although I expect you did that too. Pimp.

  • Yeah, George knew how to play that game. What a star. I also seem to remember irritating Chuckie by using Command and Conquer Red Alert to set up a peaceful ore mining operation and refusing to engage the enemy in battle.

  • That’s the right way to do things. If you’re going to spend your time in a futuristic fantasy setting you may as well set a good example for the rest of the universe.

    I hope that he continues to do so and he’s been playing Grand Theft Auto V non-stop, taking old ladies to the supermarket and whatnot.

  • Yeah. Even if they don’t want to. The nice thing about GTA is that, if the old ladies don’t want to go to the supermarket, you can force them to go at gunpoint. That way you always get to do your good deed.

  • A forced good deed is still a good deed. There are passages in the Bible about that. St John of Mousekewitz once held a knife to a peasants’ throat and forced him to eat a banquet.

  • Good man. I didn’t know GTA was mentioned in the Bible, but I expect even Jesus needed a bit of downtime to crash a few cars and shoot a few cops.

  • Jesus loved a bit of that. He was always driving cars off the roofs of swimming pools, he was crazy. Once I saw him flip a lorry.

  • Was that in GTA or just on a night out?

  • Standard night out for him. In the same way some people will balance a spoon on the end of their nose or flip some beer mets, Jesus flipped lorries. Like a boss I might add.

    I wasn’t there but one time he sneezed and a plate of eclairs came out.

  • Hallelujah! A miraclair.

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