Avatar Grapes – The Right Time

Put them down right now.

Take your lump of grapes and put them back in the fridge. Stop enjoying them. Do you realise you could be putting your life at risk by eating them at the wrong time?

I know that grapes may look very harmless but that’s what they want you to think. Vicious killers they are. Well, maybe not killers; vicious little things they are. If you start pushing them down your face hole then all manner of things could go wrong. Let me ease you into the potential minefield of grape eating by telling you what you need to know. Here’s a helpful guide:

  1. Make sure you run them under some rubbing alcohol, or possibly some chlorine, before putting them in your mouth.
  2. Only eat even numbers of grapes.
  3. Do not eat them after 8:30pm. The optimum grape eating time is between 7:30 and 8:00pm, with a tiny window of opportunity available shortly thereafter. If you try to eat grapes after this then no matter how much you chew them they will reform in your stomach and come out whole, like sweetcorn but bigger. Unless you want to start pooing out little green nuggets you check the time first, young ‘un.
  4. Do not eat grapes in the morning. You will look weird and wrong.
  5. When you are done eating the grapes put the stalk in the microwave for thirty seconds then throw it out the nearest window. This will appease the Grape Apes and they will not lay siege to your house.

Please listen to my advice as I have been studying grapes for years now, almost decades, and I know what I’m talking about. I am currently a ‘Food Botherer’ however it has come to my attention that certain people may be doing it wrong and I take great care in handing out useful information when I can.

20 comments on “Grapes – The Right Time

  • I’m a bit worried that you got almost all the way through this before slinging in a fleeting mention to some terrifying people called the Grape Apes, and then said nothing more about them. What can you tell me of these Apes?

  • I wouldn’t say anything. I’d just look at you, expressionless, until you felt embarrassed and told me everything you know about the Grape Apes.

  • The Grape Apes take the piping hot stalk back to their homes. They put it on a shelf and take a step back, admiring the stalk with all their might. Then the rest of the moola (a group of apes is called a ‘Moola’) come round to look at it and bask in the stalkiness of it. A good time is had by all. The newsletter gets sent a few days later.

  • I’ve decided I mostly fear the Grape Apes, but I also respect their diligence in publishing a regular newsletter, and the sense of community spirit that demonstrates.

  • Are the Grape Apes regular apes with a grape obsession, or are they a recently discovered subspecies?

  • Also…. How do the Grape Apes collect the stalks without coming within 3 miles of me, and therefore deciding to smell, chase and devour my delicious self?

  • Why do they devour people? Are they not grape devourers? And if they’re not grape devourers and actually they’re people devourers, why are they so grievously misnamed?

    Sometimes it’s like you make this stuff up as you go along without worrying if it even makes sense.

  • Grape Apes got their name because they have the smell of grapes about them. Also, through evolution, they have adopted a greenish tinge in their fur which also adds to the grape-iness of it all.

    They don’t want to eat people but they get so angry because people try to take the grapes away that they have to exact a suitable revenge and being wild animals the only action they know to take is violent and chewy.

    When they are going for the stalks that is all they focus on and they don’t notice the people. If you take that stalk away though they lock onto you and you’re in trouble sonny Jim boy lad boy Jim son I’ll tell you.

  • It that case, why does a piping hot, empty grape stalk appease them? Surely that would be an act of mockery more than appeasement?

  • All I know is that I’m glad Ian is such an authority on Grape Apes. We’d be completely lost in this difficult world without the calm expertise he’s demonstrating.

  • Someone has to take charge and it may as well be me. The budget David Attenborough. The cut-price David Bellamy. The Tesco Value Chris Packham.

    (you get the idea)

  • You got it. That’s me. Perhaps that’s the next job I need to swivel over to? Between you and I, I expect I will be a lifelong food botherer so I’ll switch again soon enough.

  • I’d like you to narrate a nature documentary while bothering food. Lumps of half-chewed bread spilling from your open mouth as you try to describe a pack of wolves or something.

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