A new report published today in the USA states that electrocution could be used to cure numerous afflictions.
The writer, Joan Hupsworth, a doctor from Boston, Massachusetts claims that a bit of electricity coursing through the body can relieve anything from the common cold to sneezing and sometimes even the aches and pains of the elderly. She has been studying the field of electricity in medicine for the last eighteen years and only now has she dared to come forward with her findings.
“I admit that a lot of people will find this very hard to believe,” says Joan, wiping her mouth with a lizard, “but the results speak for themselves. I’ve tried every single control method available and each time the electricity clears up whatever is bothering them. I started off with something simple like a sore throat but by the end of it I was having patients with hemorrhoids and tennis elbow turning up at my door. You would not believe what it can do.”
Here’s a little science lesson for you all. It’s not the volts in the electricity that can kill, it’s actually the amps in the current. Due to legal reasons the specific voltage and amps have not been mentioned and only a vague description of a ‘mild shock’ is listed throughout. We can only guess it is equivalent to the effect of suddenly bumping into that guy from work you always try to avoid talking to because he’s incapable of social interaction, or sitting in the pub and realising you’ve forgotten to turn the oven off after cooking a large roast dinner.
The initial response to the report has been poor. A large percentage of the medical community have dismissed the claims as witchcraft, with one member of popular US healthcare group Medigroup Plc Inc even calling for their residents to rise up and hunt Ms Hupsworth down as an actual witch. Many others are less concerned about throwing into a large body of water in the hopes of seeing her drown like the supposed demon she is. Dilbert Huxley, a doctor from Tampa Bay, Florida is excited by the news however he believes that the report requires a little work. “In a way I can see her point,” he sniffs, “I had a rash on my groin and after accidentally sticking my fingers in a socket covered in Mountain Dew, my fingers not the socket itself, I suffered a large electric shock. When I came out of my coma a fortnight later the rash was gone. There will be benefits, we just need to ensure every idiot and his pinky doesn’t end up shoving his middle finger into the back of their TV just because they’re sweating more than usual.”
Dr Hupsworth has advised that she will be continuing her research and a further report, including several late night seminars with mood lighting, cocktails and sexy dancers, will be published in the middle of next year. She hopes that eventually electrocution can be seen as a positive thing.