Friends. Now is a time of crisis and uncertainty, of complications and sullenness the likes of which have not been seen for half a century or possibly longer.
The Bovona Virus has a name. It also has a face. The face that it has does not have as many eyes as I do but they look upon all as a mess to clear up. Not one of those easy messes where you sort of sweep everything into your hands and throw it in the bin. I am talking one of those adolescent messes, a mix of beans and PVA glue, scattered all over your carpet, trodden into the fabric repeatedly and then somehow heated up into a solid, disgusting mass. Human beings are that mass. Bovona wants you and your family hiding in a bin or worse.
The good news is that there are people out there, much smarter people, who are desperately trying to find a cure to this madness. There is one somewhere and they will find it. Like a some cache of Cadbury’s Creme Eggs hidden under a nut bush, these men and woman, these scientists of the modern era, will sniff out these eggs and distribute them amongst the population. When we finally get our eggs there will be great rejoicing and celebration. I personally will be setting aside at least three weeks to sit in a tree and marvel at the outside world. I may have to grow feathers and adopt the mannerisms of an owl, possibly have myself adopted into an owl or owl-like family, in order to survive and I will do. We will all survive. Myself and my owls will ensure it.
So the question remains: what should we do with the rest of 2020? Should we give it a little more time, like the great one-eyed songstress Gabrielle, and hope that the Summer, Autumn and Winter months redeem it? Should we remain patient in the face of adversity? Or, as I would recommend, should we bin the rest of the year, go into suspended animation and all wake up in 2021 to start afresh? Given that all manner of festivals, gigs and other events have been postponed indefinitely until further notice we could have a slew of everything at the same time. We could gorge on tasty morsels of this and that. Perhaps the whole world should take a week off and indulge like chubby beavers trapped in an Oak Furniture Land, in a relentless barrage of hedonistic behaviour and uncompromising lust. How fruity.
I have spoken. We shall prevail.
We need three and, thank Bobby Costanzo, we are three.
19 comments on “State of the Beans Address – 2020: The Write-Off”
By the Lord’s own sweet cojones, we are three, and we three will see off this madness just as we’ve seen off many a madness before it. Well said, sir, and a forceful hoot to your owl brethren.
Thank you. I know that it is customary for you to make the rousing speeches but I thought I would strap on my fuzzy pants and give it a go.
You’ve got a damned nerve, coming in here with your fuzzy pants on and just making a State of the Beans Address like you own the place.
I’ve got news for you, sunshine. You only own a third of the place.
I wish that were true. Kevin has spent the last some years paying for the website on his own or, at the very least, without any fincial contributions from yours truly. Do I still have a stake?
I don’t know, nor do I know whether I have a stake.
What I’d like to have is a steak.
Going back to the gravy post, because that’s what it’s called now, after the pie, mash and chips I reckon seconds of steak and chips would go down a treat. Can you sort that out for me, mate?
Sure. I’ll do what I can.
(I can’t do anything about that.)
You both make an excellent point, which you are more than welcome to rectify. A some point I could work out how much this nonsense costs, but I probably wont.
You both make an excellent point, which you are more than welcome to rectify. A some point I could work out how much this nonsense costs, but I probably wont.
I think we might not have slung you any mon-wahs for about two years. Back in 2016 you fed the magical computers enough sandwiches to keep them happy for a fortyear (that’s two years) but obviously that sandwich deal is long since expired.
Kev’s point pointing out our excellent point was so good that it was posted twice. Does that make it double praise?
Perhaps. My main concern is that he might think he’s billed us twice and he’ll want paying twice. If he thinks that, he has another thing coming, but not another payment coming, because I’ll only pay once.
What? Oh. Nevermind.
If he’s billing us twice for something that happened once then he should think twice, like Celine Dion, because once I find out I will not be happy. Twice.
I think the key message here, for Kev to take away and act upon, is that he should try to be more like Celine Dion in all that he does.
Oh think twice, it’s just another day for you and me in paradise.
That was Phil Collins, wasn’t it?
He’s got it wrong. He’s doing a wrong. You’re doing Celine Dion all wrong!
Bastards! Bastards!