Hello
It has been several years since I was last on a dating website so I am not sure if the same rules apply or if things are exactly the same. Let’s start with the basics:
- I am definitely single. I check every single day and not once has there been someone lurking in my flat, claiming to be my girlfriend or significant other;
- I have been single for a while. The last time I was in a relationship you could step outside without needing to fight a pensioner for bog rolls or drive to seven different types of Tesco, looking for any kind of pasta available;
- I have two arms and two legs. My third leg I left outside to dry in the sun and someone took it. I do have a spare fist which I keep in kitchen cupboard; it’s quite handy.
What I am looking for in a girlfriend is nothing out of the ordinary, in fact you could even argue that my tastes are quite plain. I want nothing more than a ten out of ten (out of ten out of ten) stunner the likes of which would make my friends and anyone else who catches sight of her drop to their knees and weep with joy. She should have long, rich, chocolate hair that I can nibble on when snacks are scarce. The kind of car she has is fast; I get to use it whenever she’s away in her glamorous job of testing theme park rides. She is well-known and well-respected in her field so we can go on any rides we want whenever we want. Even if they’re already being used. I can prise whatever kid is in my seat on the Nemesis at Alton Towers, throw them to the ground and laugh at their misfortune without any consequences.
What can I give you in return? I own three pairs of shoes and you are welcome to borrow one of them whenever you want (one shoe, not a full pair). I can cook two different types of cuisine: jam and brown. I usually opt for the latter as there are much more options available to you. I have had several compliments from friends and family that I cook the best brown they have ever tasted. If you have a sweet tooth though I am more than happy to “jam” it up. Have you ever tried Jammy Bolognaise? Sit down and let me astound and amaze you, my candied lemon eyes.
My achievements include two swimming certificates (10m and 25m), runner up in the Cotswold Olimpicks shin-kicking contest 2013 and I once accidentally dropped a caber on Russ Abbott’s toe. We’re still firm friends to this day.
I look forward to meeting you all; I have already acquired a broom to keep you all at a safe distance. Gone are the days of beating women off with a cricket bat, it is no longer seen as a safe and PC pastime. Please form an orderly queue, two metres apart, of course, and I shall sex you all up individually.
18 comments on “Dating Profile”
This is very good, but I think it’s a shame that you didn’t find the space to mention your three (3) drama certificates in here.
Sweet Petunia! You’re right. I should have opened with that. What a missed opportunity. Misortunity.
Is it mandatory that your prospective partner has a job testing theme park rides? If so that narrows down the field massively.
Of course it is. What kind of an idiot do you take me for? Okay it’s a very specific set of requirements but why should I lower my expectations? They’re as HIGH as the HILLS.
Fair enough. I think if you put that at the very top of your dating profile you’ll very quickly sift out the chaff who don’t work in theme parks, and then the only people reading through to the end and getting in touch will be the ones who test rollercoasters for a living. That’s a good strategy (and a good invention).
Could you let us have one of your famous recipes for “brown”? I’ve tried other people’s brown and it just isn’t as good.
(That sentence is wrong in almost all its parts.)
I will enjoy seeing the answer to that question but want no part in consuming any of the “brown” that will result from it.
*ponders* hmmm, should I make a post out of it or keep it short as a comment? How much quote unquote humour can be derived from this? How much can I squeeze from this one joke joke?
I didn’t know you obtained your “brown” by squeezing it out of things. That’s disgusting.
Knowing you, at least 3 for 4 posts worth, over several months.
Right, so what you’re saying is that I should write my Brown Cooking Book whilst I am furrowed (or furry or whatever it is work is doing to me at the moment) and you’ll help fund the publishing?
Yes.
Also, I like the idea that you’re furrowed. Like a brow or a medieval field.
Could I be a mole if I’m furrowed? No wait, that’s burrowed. Moles can’t furrow fields.
I’m losing myself in the -urrowed of this post.
I AM a medieval brow field. The farmer plants all the brow seeds and eyebrows pop up several weeks later, which are then harvested and taken to market.
That’s great, but I’ve never been a fan of farmed eyebrows. I grow all my own eyebrows organically.
Tsk, you and your organic eyebrows. You’re such a ponce sometimes.
Get with the program man, shove dem eyebrows down your neck.
No. Neckbrows are all wrong. None of that. I like my home-grown brows where they belong: facially, upon my brow.
Necksd (ding) you’ll be telling me that you grow eyebrows about your personage to save money given how expensive the ‘brow market in London is at the moment. There’s been a shortage for weeks.
Yeah, the London Brow Shortage of ’20 is proving to be a real drag. I’ve taken to putting all my brows in my pocket when I’m outdoors, for fear of someone grabbing them, running off and selling them on the black market. It’s a dark time for us brow-sporting gents, and no mistake.