Big news in the world of culinary foods! Doctor Burger, senior lecturer in Burgerology at the University of Hamburg, has just published the results of a major new study into the phenomenon of burgertude, sometimes known as the “essence of burger”. His work has helped to map the outer limits of burgerosity.
Dr. Burger has now developed a linear scale on which beefy bundles can be objectively scored. A 99p McDonalds Saver Menu hamburger scores 3 on the burger scale, for example. A pub menu cheeseburger like this one scores a 6.
What, then, is at the far end of the scale, the furthest extent to which it’s possible to push the concept of burgertude?
Dr. Burger would like to present you with his findings. Scoring an unprecedented 18.3 on the burger scale is this mammoth construction.
It contains two hash browns, a whole taco, multiple jalapeno chilis and a full litre of cheesy sauce. It is approximately one metre in height.
Having visited Dr. Burger’s laboratory, I was able to sample this grotesque meal, and I declare it delicious. Afterwards I was so thoroughly coated in grease and cheesy spicy sauce that I had to have a shower and burn my clothes.
I have no regrets.
14 comments on “The outer limits of burger”
That’s the kind of burger I could get on board with. In fact, I could share a carriage and possibly even split a banana split with a burger like that.
How big is your carriage? This burger takes up a lot of room.
My carriage can fit my generous booty as well as space for several burgers. I don’t have the dimensions to hand but they’re rather roomy.
A roomy booty carriage. That’s the ticket. If you’re going to load up with burgers that’s the sort of conveyance you need.
I heard your booty was very generous indeed. Can it lend me some money?
My booty, whilst being wholly generous and affable, unfortunately has very little to its name. It can loan you some stretchy, fluffy pants or a solid morange mankini.
I don’t want any of that booty swag. Keep it to yourself. Maybe I’ll settle for a ride in your booty carriage next time you’re in town.
(God I miss proper burgers).
I’m planning, when all this hullabaloo is oot of the way, to set up a stall at the beach in Shitley Bay and organise booty carriage rides. It’ll make all those losers with donkeys reasonably jealous.
Good for you. Then you should take all your earnings – which will be substantial, mark my words, because a ride in your booty carriage is an experience they’ll be queuing up for miles to enjoy – and spend them all on a burger like the one I had.
I will. I do miss burgers, proper pub burgers. You can never quite get it right at home. There’s always something amiss.
There is. And a pub burger is not the same as a burger chain burger. A pub burger is a special type of burger in its own right and I think we’re all looking forward to buying them in large numbers and ramming them forcefully and with great urgency into our hungry faces when all this crap is over.
Two at a time.
If you want.
I withdraw my offer.