User avatarTributes and Insults – Kevin Hill

Here’s a little something to wet your appetite for more of the same. Look at this:

Frightening, isn’t it? Most people would agree that this particular image of Kevin is both striking and unappealing. It would be fair to say that using such a picture constitutes a mean act. I would therefore like to counter that comment with my own tribute to the man.

I have known Mr Chang, as he is known to some people, since I was about 12 years old so I believe that I know him well enough to talk down to him. Some people call it “trash talk”, when you belittle or ridicule another person to embarrass or humiliate them. Kevin is a ruthless thug who has wrapped me up in a carpet on no less than a dozen occasions and then thrown, or had his goons throw, me off a bridge. He once smashed my door in when I was at work, used all the mayonnaise and then didn’t recycle the glass jar. Kevin has been known to fart in padded envelopes and then send it to people we know with my return address on it. His despicable behaviour knows no bounds.

I would be lying through my elbows if I said that he has driven many miles to come and save my sorry ass before. I would be fibbing between the gaps in my teeth if I dared to mention that he has probably tolerated more nonsense coming out of my mouth, and been witness to unspeakable acts of insanity, than anyone within my close circle of friends, and yet still wants to stay in touch. I would be “kissing the kitten of fabrication” if I tried to compliment him on being the all round good egg that everyone knows he is. And don’t even get me fucking started on his lovely wife and adorable child.

The shit.

14 comments to Tributes and Insults – Kevin Hill

  • I met someone like this recently, looked just like him, except the guy I met was wearing a napkin and perspiring heavily.

  • I have heard that covering yourself in napkins is just as effective as wearing a coat, although it only works for certain people. Perhaps there’s some kind of science behind it?

  • I think it depends on your body’s wemslip levels.

  • And how old and insane you are. Taking into account Old Man Kevvers’ levels, he’s off the metaphorical chart!

  • Yes, the Old Man Kevvels are astronomical here. I’ve had to sellotape a bit of extra chart to the top of the chart just to stop them going completely off the chart.

  • I think your efforts may be fruitless. Futile? Your fruity efforts are excellent, don’t get me wrong, yet trying to keep Old Man Kevvers’ levels on the chart is a daunting task for anyone.

  • Do you think OMK has read this moving tribute to his sorry ass yet? I expect if he didn’t have his specs on he wouldn’t have noticed it.

  • It’ll be a massive blur to him. A wonky shelf of exclamation marks and sordid characters. I’ll send him an audible version when I can be chuffed.

  • Yeah. Ring him in the middle of the night when his phone’s off and leave him the whole thing as a creepy, breathy voicemail. That’ll tickle his fancy.

  • He’ll like that. Maybe I’ll write it on a postcard for him or I’ll put it on some slides so he can bring out the old dusty projector.

    Waaaaaaaaaaaay! (what?)

  • OMK loves a slideshow. Have a gramaphone record on as well. A bit of Glenn Miller. He’ll like that.

  • He loves that so much he’ll spend the next two weeks telling everyone about it each time he meets them and will conveniently forget that he fell asleep in a comfy chair five minutes after the record started.

  • Last time I went to visit him he told me the same story about the war three times in a row and then fell asleep with a tartan blanket on his knee. He also told me he’d just had a baby and I nodded and was all polite about it.

  • It’s nice that he thinks that the young couple next door, who have just had their second baby, is actually him. It won’t be as nice when he barges his way into their home, shouting about pterodactyls and trying to annex their child.

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