User avatar Now Look Here

The first thing I want you to know is that, whatever the world may think, we are not judging you.

You may have chosen to leave your seafood sauce out in the hot August sun, why wouldn’t you? It’s your sauce. If your hob isn’t work properly then leaving it outside for nature to warm […]

User avatar This is not breakfast

Most days I have breakfast at home before I go to work. I know how to do breakfast. Make some coffee, put some bread in the toaster. Some days there’s something more interesting like crumpets. Pour a glass of orange juice if there’s time. Any idiot can do breakfast.

Not, it turns out, the people […]

User avatar The Cheek of It

This completely took me by surprise!

 

 

Now I am used to receiving abuse from family members, close friends, clients, the general public and the occasional letters through the post, but this is a new low. I was recently walking past a new development of houses and what did greet me upon turning […]

User avatar Chris’ New Favourite Song – ‘Broiler’

In ancient Latin a ‘broiler’ is a broken boiler. So many people have been brought to their knees because of a lack of hot water.

In accordance with Beans law, so it was requested that a song be written to accompany Christopher’s anguish at no longer being a Big Man (TM) and having to resume […]

User avatar Dear Beans… My Late Lucid Literary Lamentation

Dear Beans,

For some reason, which clearly escapes me, everyone on this website absolutely, positively hates my books. With a passion. With more than a passion. With big arms and a scowl.

Having sold eight million copies of ‘Running Away: The Me Within Me (Not You)’, I was expecting a certain level of praise and […]

User avatar Claim to Fame

Take a seat. Clean up your mess. In fact, you might want to reverse the order of those things. As long as you get them both done.

You should know that you may be within the vicinity of a local celebrity. Not that I like to spoil the surprise but the recent release of […]

User avatar Famous Award Acceptance Speeches – #47

Transcript from the original recording – 3 August 2014

“Thank you, thank you for your kind words.

When I first started the Woefully Inept Plumbing Company back in 2001 I was told that I, Woefully Inept, had a stupid name. They told me that my name was not a name and that whoever had named […]

User avatar Brioche: still an afterthought

Last week I bought a big bag of brioche buns for breakfast.

On Thursday and Friday I got some out and had them.

This morning, I was looking for breakfast in a kitchen that was increasingly looking breakfast-free, when inside the white Lego head I found the rest of the brioche rolls.

I didn’t think […]