Author: Chris5156

Avatar Modern technology

What is the one area of your life that modern technology has yet to change? Which of your household appliances has so far failed to make its way to the twenty first century?

We all know what the answer is, and thankfully Pouring Beans Technology Division is here with the solution. Yes – what you need is a ToiletPhone™.

Lavatory with instrument of communication

  • For the times you run out of toilet roll
  • For the times the lock on the bathroom door gets stuck
  • For the times you get lonely while doing a really long wee
  • For the times you want to call your significant other with a live update on your child’s potty training progress
  • For the times you need to call your toilet’s technical support line

It’s the new appliance every home needs, and Pouring Beans will deliver and install it for just £996.95.

Call today!

Avatar Trekkin’ Abroad – Spain

“Da da de something something da,” as the song goes, “viva España!” Well, I am in Spaiñ now and it certainly seems to still be viving tolerably well.

This is a flying visit to a far-off land, so in many ways my assessment of the country and its people may be hasty or perhaps based on an incomplete assessment of the facts. But I see no reason why that should stop me passing judgement on the place.

So far, the main thing I have noticed are the number of English people here. English people appear to be not only visiting, but also living here and running almost all the businesses. I am growing concerned for the safety and welfare of the 46 million people who are native to Spain because as far as I can tell they are not here and I find myself wondering where they are.

Aside from that, the weather here seems nice and it is easier to procure bacon sandwiches, beefburgers and a decent curry than in the UK, so on the whole this place has its upsides. The downside appears to be that, if we leave the European Union, we will also leave behind most of the population of England.

Avatar This Way Up: episode 5

Traditionally in the UK, groundbreaking comedy has always been commissioned in series of six episodes. So it was for “Fawlty Towers”, so it was for “The Fast Show”, so it was for the revolutionary “Keeping Up Appearances”.

This is how we know that we have another world-changing format on our hands. “This Way Up”, the incredible sketch comedy from Newcastle-based comedy chumps Ian and Roo, reaches its fifth episode and the fans must surely be feeling just a little anxious that there is only one episode to go before it vanishes from the airwaves forever.

For now, though, let’s just be grateful for what we have, as we listen in to episode 5 of This Way Up, featuring the incredible sound of Ian rapping.

If listening is not enough, and you simply must own it for yourself, you can also download it.

Avatar Jetfoil

Every day on my way to work, on the way through the station, I pass a number of disused doorways along a side wall.

It has recently come to my attention that one of them has an unexpectedly thrilling sign above it.

Jetfoil

As a result, I have the following questions, and I will not rest until they are answered.

  1. What is a Jetfoil?
  2. Can I have a go on one?
  3. If this is the exit from the Jetfoil, how do I get in?

Please answer quickly because I absolutely will not rest until these questions are answered and I am already quite tired.

Thank you.

Avatar This Way Up: episode 4

(Two posts in two days! Who does this guy think he is?)

Series 2 of This Way Up is on its way and Pouring Beans is proud to present you with the next episode of Britain’s most innovative radio sketch show, featuring the Sean Connery Accent Watch and slightly more cranial inflation than is technically permitted by Ofcom.

And if you wish to keep hold of this episode to treasure it forever, we suggest you download it.

Avatar A game of cards

There’s been a lot of talk around here lately. Lots of people saying things. I suppose that’s how these blogs tend to work, but I think it might be time for something different. So, just for a change, let’s have a game of cards.

We all get seven cards. Aces are high. Jokers are wild. Queens are saucy.

I will begin by playing the seven of clubs.

Your move.

Avatar A History of Westpoint

When we moved into our new flat, we were moving into one of several blocks of privately-owned flats set in landscaped grounds, which are all inside a gated compound. At the time we thought there was nothing special about it – until the Westpoint Resident Management Association Steering Committee posted a welcome pack through our front door. The welcome pack told us what day the bins were collected and some other practical information, but by far the most useful thing was the history of the flats.

So that we can all share in this learning experience, here is the history of the building in which I now live inside there.

144 million years BC

A 60-metre layer of impermeable Gault clay is deposited on earlier Paeleozoic rocks, forming the geological basis of the ground on which Shortlands now stands. It is this clay that continues to support Westpoint today and stops it being some 60 metres closer to the centre of the earth.

AD 862

Ethelbert, the king of Kent, grants land for a new manor to be called Bromleag. The manor becomes a prosperous market town over the following centuries, known as Bromley.

1858

Shortlands railway station is opened on the new railway line to Bromley. It is not called Shortlands yet and there are no houses nearby for it to serve. Nobody knows why a railway station was built here.

1974

Local building company Arkwright Masonry Erectors Ltd. purchase three handsome Victorian villas in extensive gardens and with fetching period detailing, and demolish them in order to build three big box-shaped blocks of flats and a car park.

1996

Arkwright Masonry Erectors Ltd. go bust when the owner is sued by his own daughter for embezzling company funds to construct a large fiberglass model of the Coliseum encasing her house. The residents of Westpoint buy out the freehold on the site and begin a new era in which there are no grown ups to tell them what to do. The Westpoint Resident Management Association Steering Committee is established as a not-for-profit commercial community joint enterprise partnership.

2002

The front doors to all buildings at Westpoint are carefully sanded down and coated with a slightly darker shade of varnish than before.

2015

Benches are installed in the grounds so that residents can sit outdoors at an uncomfortable slope and in close proximity to parked cars or the bins.

2016

Chris finds himself getting on a train at Shortlands with Chris Addison, stand-up comedian and star of The Thick of It, who apparently lives nearby and sometimes gets a train from the same station as Chris at about 9am.