Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to just read these reviews, never having heard the music I’m reviewing. Sometimes I wonder if a casual reader would believe that I actually do listen to the whole album in its entirety before writing one. But I do, and that is why I have very mixed feelings when another CD-shaped package mysteriously arrives in my postbox. Sometimes the contents of that package are familiar to me and maybe even borderline palatable, like when Sade emerged from her Jiffy bag. Other times I find myself facing up to an album like Double Wide by Uncle Kracker.
Author: Chris5156
Smidge on Science: Rain
Seventeen days have gone by since Smidge Manly’s last video, and as seventeen is the number most associated with the Bard of Barnsley, it must be time for his next outing into the world of science.
Rain: you probably think you understand it, because it’s just water and you see it all the time. Well, you’re wrong. Smidge is about to show you just how little you know, and how little he knows too.
Trekkin’ Abroad: Norman D.
So many posts in so few days. It’s almost like it’s the end of the month and people have one eye on the Bean Counter.
No matter. This isn’t just any post, this is important. Listen carefully.
I am posting to the Beans from a foreign location. I am, literally, Trekkin’ Abroad at this exact moment. I am within a country apparently called Norman D., though as yet I have been unable to ascertain its surname. However, armed only with this rudimentary information, I’ve narrowed down some likely suspects.
Norman Dodgin
An English footballer, who mainly played defensive positions, Norman Dodgin’s professional career lasted from the late 1940s to the early 1950s and he died in 2000.
Norman Douglas
An author, most famous for his 1915 book South Wind, Norman Douglas died in 1952 – interestingly, at a time when Norman Dodgin was at the height of his professional football career. A coincidence? Unlikely.
Norman Dyhrenfurth
Confusingly born in Breslau, a German city that no longer exists because it’s now called Wroclaw and in Poland, Norman Dyhrenfurth was a cinematographer who produced movies for National Geographic in the 1960s and is apparently also known for a film released in 2007, which is two years after his death. He was born on May 7th, the same as me. Another coincidence? Unlikely.
Clearly these are the three most eminent Norman D.’s in the world, and so logically if I am in a place called Norman D. then I must be in one of them. All three are dead, which brings the unsettling but inevitable conclusion that I have gone on holiday to a corpse. However, it seems to be a reasonably nice corpse, with a pleasant apartment that has a balcony and a short walk to shops and bars around an attractive harbour front setting, so if this is life inside a dead body it’s not all bad.
I am due to leave this place on Sunday and if any further information about the location or identity of Norman D. comes to light, I will share it here.
Smidge on Science: Cars
In this confusing and ever-changing world, we can all welcome a bit of guidance; an expert voice who can make things clear and brush away our doubts. Nowhere is the need for that clarity and wisdom more necessary than in the realm of science.
Thankfully, Smidge Manly is here and, over four episodes, he’s going to explain all there is to know about the “big four” scientific disciplines: time, wind, rain, and cars.
Obviously, he’s going to start with cars.
The next episode will arrive in precisely seventeen days, by order of Kev.
Like the wind
Today one of my colleagues was looking for me. I could tell because there was a voice from the corridor that said “where’s Chris?”. At that particular moment Chris was sitting on a chair in the office where he usually sits, so this was not a mystery that would take long to solve.
A moment later the owner of the voice came through the door and said “how did you get there? You weren’t here a minute ago”. This was true. A minute ago I had been in the toilet having a little wee. But discretion is the mark of a gentleman, so I chose not to mention it.
My colleague contemplated my mysterious and unexplained arrival, and declared that I was like the wind, moving about silently and without being seen. That is not a comparison that has ever been made before, and if I were to dispute it I’d say that all I’d done was call in to the bathroom while moving from one room to another, and it was just chance that my colleague had been trying to find me at the moment when I was not in one place or the other. But I chose not to dispute it because I like this idea.
Yes. I am like the wind.
It’s your choice
Yes! It’s time for dessert. What do you want? Ice cream, of course.
But what kind? You’ve been a really good boy and you can have three scoops. Any flavour you like. What will you choose?
Four Word Reviews: Christmas with Mahalia
It’s been the hottest April since records began, or something, with temperatures up to 28°C here in the tropical south last week. The flowers are out in force, bees are buzzing around and the sky is a clear, vivid blue. With all that in mind, then, I am unable to explain why this might be a good time to review Christmas with Mahalia, a 1968 album featuring ten gospel versions of Christmas songs with rich orchestral and choral accompaniment. But evidently it is a good time, because here we are.
New: Pouring Beans Fragrances
Look at you. You smell. It’s true – I can smell you from here. What you need is a powerful cosmetic fragrance that will mask your horrendous body odour and the presence of three-day-old kedgeree stuck in your teeth.
Luckily, Pouring Beans has just launched its new line of unisex fragrances. To celebrate launch day, you can get 10% of any of our new toiletries when you order online using the offer code “I REEK”.
Beans No. 5
The warm, homely aroma of uncooked baked beans straight from the tin is unmistakeable in Beans No. 5, with a musky hint of black pepper and overtones of jasmine. It’s the ideal date night fragrance to impress a loved one, a loved-one-to-be or a high-class escort. This stylish eau de toilette is presented in an etched glass bottle in the shape of an open tin of beans. £79.99 (50ml).
Eau de Pouring Body Mist
Make Eau de Pouring Body Mist part of your morning bathroom routine and enjoy its light, fresh scent throughout the day. The dark, sour smell rising from the Character Hatch™ on a hot day is made brighter and sweeter with the musk of wild zorses and the refreshing zing of lemons. £24.99 (150ml) or £49.99 (gift pack: 100ml, presentation box, zorse-striped flannel).
Haricots
Share your bean-based bouquet with your loved one by wearing these delightful matching fragrances for him and for her. Bold, yet playful, both are based on the unmistakable and unforgettable smell of wet plaster and gloss paint from Kev’s house. Haricots Homme carries the bold, earthy overtones of Gary Wilmot’s fading career, whoever he is, while Haricots Femme is lighter, with just a hint of the matted fur lining Flat Kitty’s basket. £39.99 each (75ml) or £54.99 for both.
Our talented Smellologists are now working on a new, secret celebrity fragrance endorsed by Smidge Manly.