Category: Conspiracy/Not a Conspiracy

Avatar Never mind Ian, am I losing MY mind?

Most days, when I’m not at work, I take the dog for a walk, and most of the time we go to the same place, which is some woods near us. I’ve written about them before – I like walking in woods, the dog likes having lots of space to run around and bark at squirrels, and they are full of intriguing military wreckage.

A couple of weeks ago I suddenly stopped in my tracks. Following a path through the trees that I follow every single time I go there – let’s say every other day of my life, on average – I saw something I had never noticed before. Can you see it?

About fifteen feet to the left of me, fifteen feet away from a place I walk over a hundred times a year with my eyes wide open, was something I had literally never seen before. A whacking great big concrete pylon.

You literally can’t miss it. It’s huge. I suppose it’s the same colour as a tree and about the same size as the tree trunks around here, but even so, I might miss it once but I don’t see how I’ve missed it every day since 2023.

It looks like it’s been there for decades. It looks like something from the 1940s that’s been disused since before I was born, slowly being forgotten in the depths of the woods.

But I can’t help wondering if that’s true. Has it really been there all along? Or has someone just put it there in the last month or so? Are they trying to mess with my head? Is it me they’re targeting? Is this something I have genuinely never noticed in all this time? Can it be true? Am I losing my mind?

Avatar 79 days

Let me show you this.

This is the end screen from a silly online Tetris-type game I play. It’s a daily game where you get one go at it and you either win or lose, and then that’s it for the next 24 hours. I’ve been playing it in idle moments for ages now.

Last year I got a win streak of 80 days before I got distracted and missed a day. Then I kept trying to get my numbers back up, trying to hit that 80 day streak and beat it, and kept failing.

On Friday 9 May this year I got sent back to the start again, and thought it was time I got serious about it. I set a daily reminder on my phone so I wouldn’t forget. Thanks to my reminder, every day since then I’ve remembered to play it, and I got closer and closer to beating that magic 80 day streak.

On Sunday night I was having trouble with a website on my phone so I went into the settings and cleared my browser cache. It deleted my browsing history and my cookies.

On Monday morning I went to play my silly online Tetris game, and when I finished, I got the screen you see above.

Monday 28 July would have been day 80. But I’d deleted my cookies. That meant it was day 1.

I’ll get you, 80 day streak. I’ll see you on Wednesday 15 October. It’s a date.

Avatar Decode this…

What the hell is going on here? On returning to the scout hut after Christmas, we discovered this pictographic story on one of our white boards. What is it saying, and more importantly, what does it mean?

Theories so far range from vampire attack to complex honeytrap operations, but what do you think?

Avatar Do not remove

This sign at work has not been successful in its aims.

Presumably, at some point, another bin will be provided by whoever considers it vitally important that this little-used basement corridor always has a bin available at this precise location. When that happens I suggest they adopt one, some or all of the following suggestions for improved security:

  • Add “on pain of death” to the end of the sign
  • Add a nice positive thumbs up symbol to the sign
  • Have a speaker playing the sign’s message out loud on a loop in case the bin was taken by a blind person
  • Keep the existing wording and layout of the sign, but enlarge it so that it covers the entire wall
  • Use plainer language that low-life thieves will understand, like “get your stinking hands off my bin, you pilfering shitbags”
  • Make multiple versions of the sign and use them to plaster the bin to the wall like papier-mâché
  • Apply camouflage netting to the bin, thus rendering it invisible
  • Put another more desirable bin next to the bin as bait

Avatar Where are the Marcus Rashfords of British tennis? The truth is they’re still not welcome

I expect you’ve seen it by now, but my article was finally published in today’s Guardian.

As you know, I’m a coach supporting talented, underprivileged young players – and it’s no surprise so few of them make it to Wimbledon. But you’ll know that because I talk about it a lot.

Anyway, it would be great if you could read my article and let me know what you think. I spent ages on it.