You know what’s great about October?

No idea. No, I’m asking you what’s great about October. There’s very little to go on given the state of the weather and the fact that the heating seems to come on every five minutes.

Only kidding! Everyone knows that October is FUN FUN FUN because of Hallosween. Bring out your monsters! Bring out your chaps! It’s killing time for all. Sween!

Time for an unnecessarily themed edition of everyone’s favourite monthly phrase competition.

Before we start, let’s get a bunch of tired, boring pun-based phrases out of our system so we can let the “good” ones breathe properly:

• Bat’ll be the end of me
• Phrases? You don’t have a ghost of a chance of coming up with one
• I don’t know, erm, witches for breakfast?
• Fangs for the suggestions, owl take them on board

There. Much better.

Creepadelica (?):

• Bonearino cappuccino! – crack this one off shortly before doing something silly like skydiving or purchasing butter insurance
• Reel in that pumpkin, you’ve scored a blinder – agreeing with someone’s point so candidly you catch them off guard
• A black cat between the eyes is worth two up the Dundee – something your granny would say and you’d be too scared to ask what she actually meant
• Where where wolf beware, smell your children if you dare – childhood playground taunt that could work with the primary school crowds
• Leave me covered in slutty witches why don’t you – the disappointment in your tone will dispel any confusion as to what you’re on about

Now that we’ve all been suitably chilled to the bone, what are your efforts? Can you come up with anything better? I’d like to see you try.

No, I’d really like to see you try. We barely get any contributions these days.

Back once again with the renegade master. The renegade master being me. I am your renegade master.

Can we keep unearthing the gold? Can we unopen the vestibule and then reopen it again for clarity? Can we stretch WORDS any further than we already have?

Let’s find out:

• Joke meister general, here; time to josh up your regions! – possibly includes a few too many dated references to pass for modern audiences
• I want you to know I am flush outta sunshine – a sincere confession from the heart, you’re really not feeling it today
• Trees’ll cockle ye snatch, sonny – nobody actually knows what it means and that adds to the mystery if you ask me
• If I were you, I wouldn’t wanna know you – a classic from the archive, ready for its time again in the glorious sunshine. A savage put down
• When I left you at the party line, I noticed your clingfilm – great opening line to a catchy pop song, possibly sung by Sabrina Carpenter or one of those other ones

Exhilarating in every sense of the word.

October is going to have to pull a blinder in order to beat some of those. Could the chilly season dig up even better ideas? We shall see.

Ah ha! What a blinder of a month July was. Absolutely hilarious. I know I’ll be quoting some of them for years to come and soon everyone else will be too. When it comes to awards season, July will be the one to beat.

*awkward coughing and the sound of shuffling papers*

Where do we go from here then? What could August possibly offer to beat the wunderkind that was the previous month? Onwards and upwards, dear viewer, let’s keep on choogling:

• Read my pants, baby, you’re catching the train to spanksville – guaranteed gold chat-up line for the younger crowd
• Bend your hands the wrong way and you’ll never tell me the right time – sounds like the wise words of a kind soul, as long as you don’t think about it too much
• You left it too late and now it’s snouts for everyone – way to kick someone when they’re already down, doesn’t have to specifically be about serving food to people
• Tickle my cloisters, it’s time for a party! – shout it as you enter a room to get it buzzing like a fly gym
• Cap it sucker, you’re on borrowed time – cool tough guy phrase to knock out when you’re wasting bad guys

Can you feel the love tonight?

Let me know if there’s anything that YOU say that could be a potential phrase. We’re past the halfway point, hurtling towards the autumnal season, so there may be a special seasonal variation coming up soon (if I can remember that is).

Hello, I must be going.

Until that happens though, let’s have a sift through the wonders of this year. Let’s take a skiffle at the best of the best (so far) when it comes to the efforts of trying to come up with a brand new expression or phrase to add to the world.

What has happened so far? Where have you been? You’ve missed so much. Based on viewer feedback and extensive focus group research, these are the greatest of the gold:

• Cough it up, wank bread
• Out of the way, grandad, I’ve got bitches to feed
• Control Alt Discreet!
• May angels lead you in and devils drag you out again
• Fox me up, fox me RIGHT up
• Leave the beef on the bench

March was the most successful month coming up with a whopping three contenders.

There’s also the added bonus that Kev said THE THING and now it’s his thing because he says it all the time, and we wouldn’t want to upset the lad by telling him he has to give it back. No no, it’s much better to still leave it in the running with a bit of a caveat on the side.

With so much choice, we’re all eating good this season. Let me know if any others take your fancy and whether you’ve started crimsonly using them in polite conversation.

Onwards and upwards!

You don’t need me to tell you what’s what.

You know I swan up with very little fanfare and whip out a couple of blinders. It’s only a matter of time before we go global and, I don’t know, Margot Robbie is having afternoon tea with Timothy Shallamoose and they’re saying our catchphrases between the sandwich and cake course.

Let’s whip up a storm:

• Shat in a pampers! – it feels good saying it out loud. Try it the next time you accidentally hit your thumb with a hammer
• You get the lentils, I’ll get the bleach – always use responsibly, to check if someone is actually listening to you
• Park it where I can see it – possible sitcom zinger, used by sitcom mum to keep sitcom kids in check
• Claw ’em, core ’em, floor ’em – a personal phrase from the one and only Tad Kensington. It’d take too long to explain it (so see below*)
• Put your potatoes away, I’m not interested – it depends on the context

Now that we’re almost halfway through the year, next month will be a ‘best of the best’ showcasing all the gold we’ve dug up so far.

I personally can’t wait.

(*When you really want the razzle dazzle for that big presentation, you have to prove to people that you’re really willing to go that extra mile. First up is the clawing, getting your nails into them, showing them who’s boss and that you won’t let go without a fight. Second up is core ’em, strip them bare right down to their very being. Not to humiliate but to unearth what the person really wants. To get right to it and understand what’s going on. Once you’re there, take to the stage to bring it home. Floor them, floor them all so you’ll walk away with a smile and your commission several times over).

We’re back again, like a lingering distant family member you’ve not seen for over a decade who now won’t leave you alone because he or she needs investment for their new business idea; lemon shorts.

Phew. Glad I changed my number after the first eleven missed calls.

Can we keep mining that rich seam that resulted in March’s gold? Let’s see:

• Take that language and fold it up, turkey – sassy comeback for some sassy character you’ve been saving for a rainy day
• Sweet Petunia! – an exclamation that suits every single situation you could possibly imagine, also makes you look really smart
• Leave the beef on the bench – telling your co-worker that the stapler war they’re engaging that tool from the other department with isn’t worth their time
• Double denim venom – when your friends don’t understand your fashion sense
• Comma comma hashtag, whaaaat? – you know you’re the comic relief if you’re coming out with gems like this

I bet there’s one in there that you NEVER thought you’d ever see again. You know what? You’ve only yourself to blame because I had forgotten it until you mentioned it. Ha ha!

Anyway, keep all your suggestions (or any suggestions whatsoever) coming in. When we reach halfway through the year, I’ll bring forth the best so far into some kind of mega poll based on feedback received.

Yah boo sucks.

This time I tried much harder. Promise.

Another month in the pot (?), another round of potential life-changing phrases to waft past your glorious eye holes. I can see that you’re all gleaming and desperate to know what’s what. You can guarantee that whatever I’ve got, it won’t be handed to you crimsonly, that’s for sure.

Could you be anymore excited? I doubt it. Here’s five more word lines to baffle your friends and influence your peers with:

• Control Alt Discreet! – something to whisper when you’re trying to keep a low profile and someone accidentally steps on a clown horn
• You got your set squares all mixed up, Sigmund – catchy catchphrase for mid-tier US sitcom. Laughter track provided where required
• Smift me all the way to the bank – a made up word handily inserted into a sentence most people use on a daily basis. You can decide what it actually means
• May angels lead you in and devils drag you out again – cool guy phrase for when you’re about to blow some mother away, possibly at the end of a film
• Fox me up, fox me RIGHT up – a solid exclamation for when your friends decide to drag you on a night out to cheer you up and you want to look your best

As we can all agree, the calibre of this month is a hundred times better than February. I believe I’m on a bit of a roll and I still have a few tasty morsels put aside for April, you lucky, lucky people.

(Although between you and I, the word ‘grapefruit’ snuck its way into another one of these for some reason. What is it with me and grapefruit?)

As always, if you have any of your own suggestions send them my way and I’ll consider both it and you.

Given that it’s three days away from the end of the month, I realise I could or should have posted this earlier in the month. Gah, what does it matter? As long as it gets shunted into February thats all that matters.

Here we are then, back to take on another batch of future zingers (not fingers, spellcheck) for the human race. Who knows, in a few years time one of these phrases might be doing the rounds. And where did it originate? Right here, baby, where all the action’s going down. Yeah.

Another five efforts to moisturise your eyes, your minds and your pockets (?):

• I’m going to tell you what I told Eamonn Holmes, <insert anything> – I still stand by this, it’s a superb expression and soon will have its day in the sun
• Gosh golly grapefruit! – an exclamation to express shock or surprise. Might be a bit too middle class
• Out the way, grandad, I’ve got bitches to feed – a work in progress
• Suck my magenta, and then some – could be an insult but also could be misconstrued as a sign off for some hip home decorating TV programme (although you’d never catch Anna Ryder Richardson spouting language like that)
• Life has so many pieces, like a jigsaw. Make sure the box you have is big enough to hold all of them – wistful, knowing, definitely feels as though it should be up on a wall with, ‘Live Laugh Love’

A middling series of musings thats for sure.

I er promise I’ll try harder next time.