Category: Science

Avatar Cloves? No idea

The world is full of mysteries. There are so many things that we still don’t fully understand. I personally struggle to understand a lot of things. Sometimes it’s easier to make up your own ideas than taking the time to read a book and get the jist. That’s 50% of parenting anyway, making your kid believe that you have all the answers.

Oh, you expect to get them from me? Don’t be silly, I can’t answer your questions. Who do you think I am? I’m no science master like Kevin, all I’ve got are my street smarts and the money maker (aka my viso / volto).

That’s all I got.

Have you ever considered cloves? What they are? Where they come from? No, me neither. Cloves are a thing that is and you have to accept them regardless. The sooner you do the sooner we can all move on.

You still want me to explain them? Go on then.

You might think that cloves are the aromatic flower buds of a tree in the family Myrtaceae Syzyglum aromaticum, but you’d be totally wrong. They’re really toenails from donkeys that have been “lightly spiced” with effervescent apples and fervent aggression. Put it this way; have you ever put a clove in your mouth and felt happy? No. No you haven’t, and if you have then you’re a liar.

Cloves are made bitter to suck the very life out of you. There’s all this talk of helping with looking after your teeth and improving the flavour of your cooking and it’s all nonsense. They want you miserable and they will stop at nothing to turn you into a brittle, chafing dish of a man. They taste of misery squared. Do me a favour and steer clear of cloves.

Avatar Dog name taxonomy

Pets accrue nicknames like boats attract barnacles; we know this instinctively. Names evolve and grow organically as time goes on. But has anyone ever tried to pin this process down using science?

Until today, no. Enter Christopher J. 5156, scientist, to bring order to this world. I have methodically pinned down the names we use for our brilliant dog and charted their evolution to show how two original terms – “Fizz”, which is the dog’s actual name, and “dog”, which is what the dog actually is – have evolved into the names we now use for her. (Nobody ever calls her Fizz.)

Read More: Dog name taxonomy »

Avatar Newsboost – Chris catastrophe continues

News just in! Reports are claiming that, after the Chris Marshall / Mecha Godzilla collaboration in August, a new concoction has been sighted in an industrial estate in the South of England.

Some bright spark decided that it was time to splice the Chris DNA with children’s 80s stop motion animated favourite Bertha, resulting in a sight that will either warm your heart or frighten you to within an inch of your life.

The Chris Bertha (or the awkwardly-named Chrertha) was spotted churning out items earlier on this week. The types of items varied greatly from garden gnomes and beach balls to jumping kangaroos and inflatable plastic bears. Once the Chris DNA had properly taken over however it decided to make a hugely illustrated and highly detailed map of the A282 as well as some interesting recipes involving avocados.

“This is the worst news I’ve ever heard,” spat news correspondent Harsh Blenchley, “you don’t see it? You don’t see the monumental disaster on the horizon? Do I need to spell it out to you? Do you even English, my friend?”

After ten minutes of this, she finally explained herself.

“Everyone knows that Bertha is capable of manufacturing anything in the world. She was the original 3D printer. A complete original. That kind of power mixed with the monstrous C-Marshall DNA could easily be used to disastrous effect. If you installed a time machine and a matter transporter into Bertha then she’d be able to go anywhere, at any point in time and make anything she wanted. The world would be on its knees.”

Ms Blenchley could see the big picture even if the rest of us couldn’t.

After the information was reported to the local police, a raid was planned on Tuesday morning. Officers burst into the premises only to find a few empty boxes and a windmill money box.

There were rumours that the C-Marshall strain of DNA was being used in some unscrupulous experiments in Korea and China, although they have remained unsubstantiated until now.

Needless to say, if the Chris Bertha has been moved to a new site, and a time machine and matter transporter been added to it, then we’re all doomed. Stay tuned for more details.

Avatar Newsboost – Mecha Chris attacks!

News just in! Tokyo has reported a mechanical monster on the outskirts of the city. When questioned as to what it looked like, experts merely shrugged and mumbled something about some berk from France.

Mecha Chris appears to be the combination of a giant 100ft machine and our very own Christopher Marshall who unwisely posted the details of his genes on the website. Seemingly innocent, this has caused most of the dark web to steal his DNA and weave it into a multitude of diabolical projects. We’ve also heard rumours of a giant octopus off the coast of Italy sporting his viso/volto and a hive of bees in Washington DC, buzzing about roadworks and a string of road closures on the A47 in Norfolk over the summer holidays.

“It must be a synthetic mesh of man and machine,” gushed monster expert, Dylan Stretcher, “DNA on its own is useless, you’ve gotta mix it in with a bunch of other goo to make life. If you then take that goo and stick it in a humongous robot then we’re all doomed. I’m surprised Eamonn Holmes didn’t think of it sooner. Science is a cruel mistress.”

Recently qualified Kevin Hill, science master, was unavailable for comment, possibly due to laziness and things.

Though jovial in his appearance, Mecha Chris has already crushed several sandcastles, one ice cream van and a sushi hut as he emerged from the sea. People have been unable to buy overpriced iced lollies for over an hour. If he continues along the same path, he is expected to crush most of Tokyo by 6pm today.

We can only hope that some equally large competitor can emerge to stop the menace before it spreads to the rest of the world.

What else will happen now that the world has access to his life pulp? Will Chris ever learn from his mistakes? Can we expect to see dozens of clones of him running security at a Spice Girls tribute act? Only time will tell how long this joke will go on.

Avatar Open source Chris

Here I am with a microscope. But what can I see?

I’d just taken a swab from my cheek and under the ‘scope was a sample of my own facial cells (or “facells”, as biologists call them). And once I’d managed to zoom in enough, I saw this.

It’s my DNA.

There it is in all its glory, all those chains of genetic information that make me so brilliantly unique. And now that I’ve put it online, it’s open source, free for anyone else to come along and use it, remix it and build on it. Feel free to take a screenshot and use it for your own biological experiments.

I’m hopeful that this is the beginning of an amazing new age where there are millions of clones of me running around everywhere. A world of genetically engineered Chrises wherever you look.

What will you do with my DNA? Let me know in the comments.

Avatar Will I Think of You?

That’s a bit of a loaded question if ever I heard one.

Will you think of me? It depends on what kind of thoughts you have there. If they’re going to get weird and sordid then I’d rather you didn’t. You can keep me away from your dirty mind.

I found this book in a glass cabinet denoting that it is better / rarer than most of the other books in the shop. Notice how young Leonard Nimoy looks on the front, coupled with his description as, “one of the shining stars of Star Trek” and you can gather this book is surely somewhere close to 60 years old.

As it was placed away from general viewing, it meant that I didn’t get to read the shimmering words and haunting images of old Spock. I’m sure they were very deep and meaningful, more than I could ever write anyway.

Avatar Newsboost – celebrity sunshine science shroud

The world has been shocked today by the news that former X-Factor winner Shayne Ward has been caught trying to cover up the sun with tinfoil.

Tameside police were called to the singer’s luxury mansion in Stockport on Saturday afternoon following reports from neighbours that a huge ladder situated in his back garden was temporarily blotting out the sun from their gardens during the recent heat wave. Upon entering the premises, officers discovered that it wasn’t the ladder but Mr. Ward himself balanced at the top of the ladder trying to wrap the sun in tinfoil of all things.

“I’ve seen a lot of things working as a policewoman in Manchester but this tops the lot,” says Fairweather Skindle, one of the first to arrive on the scene. “It seemed like celebrity madness what with the crazy temperatures we were experiencing. If it wasn’t Shayne Ward blocking the sun with a ladder it could easily be, I don’t know, Ricky Hatton throwing bowling shoes at swans. Anything is possible.”

Mr. Ward was taken into custody shortly after 2pm. His solicitor arrived at the police station half an hour later with one of those sexy summer coffees from Starbucks and half a watermelon, carved into reasonably-sized slices.

The unusual nature of the “crime” has called into question whether or not the defendant was actually committing any misconduct given that nobody was hurt, nothing was stolen, everyone was fine and we all went out for ice creams afterwards.

We consulted with Sedgwick Robust, a physicist who works up the road from where our building is.

“Not taking into account the sanity of the person undertaking the act, based on my calculations you would need approximately 676,444,444,444,444.444444444444444 rolls of foil to cover the entirety of the sun. This would be assuming that you were using extra long foil, measuring 30m by 30cm.”

(We were going to ask for the calculations using regular sized tinfoil and decided against it.)

“As well as this, due to the extreme surface temperature, the aluminium would have melted long before Mr. Ward ever made it to the sun. He would also have died too because if he didn’t suffocate from the lack of air then he would have fried from the intense heat. There isn’t a known material that has a high enough melting point that could allow you to get near to or cover the sun.”

We’re not even sure how much money it would cost in order to buy that many rolls of tinfoil. Not even a crazy billionaire would want to foot that bill and certainly Inside Soap Award’s ‘Best Newcomer’ and TV Choice Award’s ‘Best Soap Newcomer’, both from 2016, wouldn’t think to do so.

We here at Newsboost all hope that this was merely a misunderstanding and wish Mr. Ward a swift recovering (and possibly one of those watermelon slices).