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The other day I was driving home from my nightshift and found myself sitting in traffic waiting for the lights to change. In my rear view mirror was a tipper truck from a company called Space Rubbish who do commercial rubbish clearance. Their logo caught my eye. It looks like this.

Obviously the Comic Sans lettering is eye-catching enough as it is, but the colourful logo on the left is what I found myself staring at. I knew that from somewhere. I’m pretty sure it was clipart that I’d used to make my own logos back when I first got a PC. I think – but after extensive internet searching and AI asking, I still can’t be entirely sure – that it came with Microsoft Publisher ’97. It looked a bit like this. (I had to draw it myself because I can’t find the original.)

I was just smiling to myself at the idea that this company had made their own logo in Publisher 97 using clipart and Comic Sans, and that they were still using it now, with versions of it plastered over all their lorries nearly 30 years later, when the traffic going the other way came to a stop and just to my right was a van owned by a company called Pride Installations Limited. Apparently they do electrical work and refurbish houses for landlords, that kind of thing. Anyway, the logo on the side of their van looked like this.

I don’t know if the drivers of the two vans saw each others’ logos, but I hope they did. Now I wonder how many more companies are using the same 1990s clipart as their corporate logo. I hope there’s loads of them.

Avatar Q & A with one of the Happy Salad Boys (again)

You’re not seeing things.

We’ve managed to track down another one of those boys to find out what’s going on in his perennial noggin, what’s perplexing his grey matter. Let’s have a sit down and a chat with Drake Fondles!

Name: Drake Fondles

Age: Old enough

What type of boy band member are you: I’m the talent, the songwriter, the visionary, the artist. I write the words to all the songs then hand them to someone else to rewrite and fix to someone else’s music

How many curls: enough to fill a wheelbarrow

I most look like: a dainty flower fixed upon a mountain hilltop in the flurriest of weather but also on a summer’s day

Best celebrity chicken: Florence Chuckles

Chaffinch – controversial?: I’d rather you didn’t bring it up

Pour me a mug of: delicious melodies sprinkled with stardust

Fuzziest television: Uncle Tupperware’s

How “me” are you: I am more you than you ever were, and I can guarantee that. In fact, I’m going to write a song about it right now

Finish this phrase, “Shoulder shrug…”: emotionless mug

Avatar Q & A with one of the Happy Salad Boys

That’s right.

We’ve managed to secure another exclusive and this time it’s a questions mit answers with one of the Happy Salad Boys; Chester Kneesup!

Name: Chester Kneesup

Age: Wa-hey, look at me

What type of boy band member are you: I’m the funny one, the cheeky scamp who gets away with anything

Favourite rocks: the ones you find by the sea

I look most like: a right old stack of Brazil nuts

Best outfit: my Robin Hood bomber jacket and tweed socks

Pour me a mug of: hot gravel, please

Slippers or mandibles: definitely mandibles because I think they’re rather fetching, whereas slippers are old like dad’s ham

How many ghandis are too many: any number over tooty

Favourite ice cubes: the ones from tim’s house, they’re delightfully pleasant

Finish this phrase, “roll me an onion…”: before the headmaster catches the figs!

Avatar Airport review: Lima


Don’t worry, I’m not going to review every airport we go to. Already I’ve saved you from having to hear my thoughts on Heathrow, Cusco International, Puerto Maldonado and the questionably-named Baltra Ecological Airport in the Galapagos, which is where I’m sitting as I write this.

But you don’t get to escape the big hitters. Adopt the brace position as we head for Lima.

Read More: Airport review: Lima »

Avatar Specs offender

A few weeks ago I set a little quiz, with pictures of my trying on a range of spectacles, in an attempt to make light of my ongoing ocular deterioration.

Nobody had a go at guessing which ones I would choose, but the answer is these ones, and to thrill and delight you further I am pleased to now present a fashion shoot in which I demonstrate everything my new glasses can do.

It’s official. Now I’m on the bandwagon, spectacles are the new rock and roll.

Avatar Speccy four eyes

As you will be aware, the relentless march of time has taken its toll on my previously top notch eyeballs, and I am now officially a man in need of glasses. Only just – it’s a very slight prescription for reading small text – but this is the start of a slippery slope and, if my optician is to be believed, I’ll be squinting at the world through lenses like the bottom of a jam jar in no time.

Anyway, all of this means that I now have to choose a new facial accessory, so today I spent some time choosing what my face will now look like, or at least what it will look like in the moments where I’m trying to read small writing at close range.

I’m not going to tell you which ones I chose – that will be a cliffhanger that helps me wring out another post – but I can show you some of the options.

Please enjoy this gallery of my face wearing what we can refer to as Candidate Spectacles, and let me know if you think you can spot the ones I went for in the end.

Avatar Poetry corner – Guzzle

Hey, all you hip cats and righteous moonbeams, it’s time for a little lyrical medicine courtesy of Poetry Corner.

If you’re looking to let off some steam then this is the place you for. Take a load off.

Here with a creamy piece of beatnik bebop is Trancient Prozac and his poem

Guzzle

I guzzle. I am the guzzler. You can’t stop me.

When I guzzle down my perilous maw,

You really don’t know, you can’t be sure

If it’s ever coming back because of how black

The back of my maw can be.

When I guzzle, you’ll think I need a muzzle,

It goes all over my mouth and hands.

I’m drinking too much like it’s going out of fashion,

A red burping cannon, taking all yo fresh rations,

Right down my maw of tranquility.

Gasp at the gastro intestinal puzzle

That forms the basis of my sweet guzzle.

You don’t need a degree in food expertise

To squeeze the kind of wheeze from these balconies,

But if you can embrace the nurturing bustle

Of a pint of gravy right down to the nuzzle,

I’m sure that with practice you too can hack this

And be one with the almighty guzzle.

Avatar Wilmot’s week

I know you’re all excited for next week and I could hardly contain myself so I’m writing the post early. Wilmot’s week is dedicated to the adoration, worship and general appreciation of the great Gary Wilmot. It’s a chance to really kick back and enjoy yourself and all of the joy that Wilmot has brought to the world. The best part is that it happens completely at random meaning you have to stay alert (and download the app) to ensure you don’t miss out on any of the celebrations. Sure, it’s next week yet it could also be the week after that, the start of next month or around your birthday. Wilmot’s week takes no prisoners. It’s completely unhinged.

Recently I have been pondering what wor Gaz could do next with his startling career. He’s already an accomplished singer, presenter, actor and entertainer; what’s left? Open a restaurant, one themed around terracotta jug western hoedowns or rats that look like footballers? No, that would be silly. We need something sleek and modern. We need a Gary Wilmot video game.

It can’t be something cheap like a mobile game. It has to go all the way, multi platform and nothing but the best. I want to see Ps5. I want full scale Steam trailers showing all the exquisite gameplay on offer.

I was hoping it’d be a disgustingly violent first person shooter however i was told by his manager that this wasn’t the kind of image they were hoping to portray to the general public. We’ll therefore keep it nice and cosy, set it in a warehouse and have Gary as some kind of, I don’t know, eccentric warehouse manager. He can have a tea cosy on his head instead of a hat. Then when you finish the level he’ll tip his head to one side, whistle and say, “It’s time for a brew!” That’ll make all the grandma’s chuckle with delight.

To make it as accessible as possible it should be a puzzle game. Everyone loves puzzle games, right? The same as everyone loves detective TV programmes set on boats featuring washed-up pop stars? So wor Gaz has to help you sort out items in a warehouse. We’ll get a custom made soundtrack from the Papples and soon we’ll be hoovering up the awards.

It will take some doing, the hours will be long and arduous but stick with me and we’ll really make a difference. Now all that’s left to do is a quick check to make sure nobody else has…

Well, f*ck me then.