Clompotition time (last one)

You’ll all be thrilled to know that this is the last one I have before we can retire this charade masquerading as a proper post. We all have stuff we like to whip out (waaaaaay!) as a cheap post from time to time to fill the quota and tick the boxes. I still have plenty of guff to fill your screens, and your time with, so divant fret, pet, if you’re worried about the lack of meaningful content.

Surely in our roles as gods of the Internet, for existing so long in this digital hellscape, we practically invented meaningful content (or whatever passes for it these days).

Anyway, enough preaching. Guess the expiry date of this bottle of ketchup.

Here’s a little hint too; it’s nowhere near as old as any of the other entries.

Will I Think of You?

That’s a bit of a loaded question if ever I heard one.

Will you think of me? It depends on what kind of thoughts you have there. If they’re going to get weird and sordid then I’d rather you didn’t. You can keep me away from your dirty mind.

I found this book in a glass cabinet denoting that it is better / rarer than most of the other books in the shop. Notice how young Leonard Nimoy looks on the front, coupled with his description as, “one of the shining stars of Star Trek” and you can gather this book is surely somewhere close to 60 years old.

As it was placed away from general viewing, it meant that I didn’t get to read the shimmering words and haunting images of old Spock. I’m sure they were very deep and meaningful, more than I could ever write anyway.

Puffins?

It feels like Puffins? Day 2025 is the right time for a quick roundup of all the puffin-related films on offer. Until a few years ago there was no puffin-based cinema at all, but the silver screen now has several offerings for you to choose from.

Released in 2023, and starring Chris O’Dowd from off of Bridesmaids and the IT Crowd, Puffin Rock and the New Friends deals with the unexpected disappearance of a Little Egg and the adventures of Oona (a puffin) and her friends (also puffins) as they try to save it before Puffin Rock is hit by a Big Storm.

The Guardian called it a “wholesome delight”, but only gave it three stars.

2024’s Robo Puffin (styled Rise of the Robo Puffin in some territories) appears to be an Italian movie. In it, evil bad buy Otto van Walrus (a walrus) creates the mischievous Robo Puffin (a robot puffin) to outshine the real puffins, in a plot that appears to have no meaningful jeopardy whatsoever. Johnny Puff (a puffin) and his friends (also puffins) use the power of teamwork to outoutshine the puffin-outshining robot.

If you’re sad that Robo Puffin is available only in Italian, don’t worry: while the feature film is available only in the language of amore, it appears to be a rehashing of this 2020 TV series called Puffins which, amazingly, stars Johnny Depp as Johnny Puff (a puffin). Otto van Walrus (a walrus) is here too, up to no good as usual, though this time Puff and his friends (also puffins) are apparently working for him and not in any sort of robotic outshining contest.

A second series, Puffin Impossible, recasts its central characters as superheroes. If you want to see puffins in capes, this is the one for you.

Wang Four Stars

Years ago I used to sometimes get the train home from Blackfriars station. This was around the time they were just starting the process of completely rebuilding it, and one of the first things they did was take the light-up advertising poster frames off the walls. Behind them were lots of paper posters, presumably the last ones to be put up before the frames went in. They all seemed to date from the late 1980s.

There was all sorts of old advertising on display, some older than others, but this one caught my eye. It’s for an event called Wang Four Stars.

Yes, charity was the winner back in June 1988 at this event hosted by Jimmy Tarbuck and Terry Wogan, and sponsored by, er, Wang.

Presumably large numbers of people were expected to make the journey to Moor Park to watch celebrities play a round of golf. Maybe there wasn’t much to do in 1988. Other big names teeing off for a good cause included Cliff Thorburn, Sean Connery, Kevin Keegan, Russ Abbot and Shakin’ Stevens.

The poster is at pains to point out that there will be professional golfers, leading “personalities” and excellent catering facilities.

And, as it also makes clear, it’s all thanks to Wang.

Hot day checklist

It’s hot today, at least here in the tropics. If it’s hot where you are please ensure you have completed the hot day checklist.

Shirtless man aged about 19 in Tesco Express
Smell of barbecue being lit from adjacent garden
Have trouble locating flip flops
Someone uses any of the words “airless”, “dry heat” or “close” to describe the weather
Sound of unlocated ice cream van heard several streets away
Pigeon going “hoo-hoooooooo hoo” repeatedly soundtracks the whole time you sit outside
Incur third degree burns from a seatbelt
Participate in, or witness, a debate about whether a cup of tea cools you down or not
Discover sweat in places you didn’t know sweat even happened
Walk barefoot on lawn and then feel regrettable feeling of damp feet with little bits of dead grass stuck to them
Solero

Grow your own

Do you want to grow a large meeting of delicious, slightly tapered fruit? Do you want to witness a big hall full of stands offering fruit merchandise, and large seminar events with panels of fruit speakers? Do you want to see fruit lining up for famous orchard fruits to sign photographs and t-shirts and have their picture taken with people?

You do? Then I have the exact thing you need.

Newsboost – celebrity sunshine science shroud

The world has been shocked today by the news that former X-Factor winner Shayne Ward has been caught trying to cover up the sun with tinfoil.

Tameside police were called to the singer’s luxury mansion in Stockport on Saturday afternoon following reports from neighbours that a huge ladder situated in his back garden was temporarily blotting out the sun from their gardens during the recent heat wave. Upon entering the premises, officers discovered that it wasn’t the ladder but Mr. Ward himself balanced at the top of the ladder trying to wrap the sun in tinfoil of all things.

“I’ve seen a lot of things working as a policewoman in Manchester but this tops the lot,” says Fairweather Skindle, one of the first to arrive on the scene. “It seemed like celebrity madness what with the crazy temperatures we were experiencing. If it wasn’t Shayne Ward blocking the sun with a ladder it could easily be, I don’t know, Ricky Hatton throwing bowling shoes at swans. Anything is possible.”

Mr. Ward was taken into custody shortly after 2pm. His solicitor arrived at the police station half an hour later with one of those sexy summer coffees from Starbucks and half a watermelon, carved into reasonably-sized slices.

The unusual nature of the “crime” has called into question whether or not the defendant was actually committing any misconduct given that nobody was hurt, nothing was stolen, everyone was fine and we all went out for ice creams afterwards.

We consulted with Sedgwick Robust, a physicist who works up the road from where our building is.

“Not taking into account the sanity of the person undertaking the act, based on my calculations you would need approximately 676,444,444,444,444.444444444444444 rolls of foil to cover the entirety of the sun. This would be assuming that you were using extra long foil, measuring 30m by 30cm.”

(We were going to ask for the calculations using regular sized tinfoil and decided against it.)

“As well as this, due to the extreme surface temperature, the aluminium would have melted long before Mr. Ward ever made it to the sun. He would also have died too because if he didn’t suffocate from the lack of air then he would have fried from the intense heat. There isn’t a known material that has a high enough melting point that could allow you to get near to or cover the sun.”

We’re not even sure how much money it would cost in order to buy that many rolls of tinfoil. Not even a crazy billionaire would want to foot that bill and certainly Inside Soap Award’s ‘Best Newcomer’ and TV Choice Award’s ‘Best Soap Newcomer’, both from 2016, wouldn’t think to do so.

We here at Newsboost all hope that this was merely a misunderstanding and wish Mr. Ward a swift recovering (and possibly one of those watermelon slices).

Blame game

Recently Ian invited us to try blaming it on the spicy margs. It seemed like a good idea so I had a go.

I am now in a positon to report my results.

Experiment 1

Early last week I needed to go to the supermarket. On arrival I ran straight to the meal deal fridges, barged some other customers out of the way, and started chugging own-brand banana milkshakes one after another, throwing the empty bottles on the floor behind me. When the security guard apprehended me and asked what I was doing I wafted my mouth like I was suffering severe heat burns and told him it was because of the spicy margs.

Result: banned from Sainsbury’s, Water Lane, Farnham. The phrase “spicy margs” not understood by Group 4 security personnel even on the third or fourth time of repeating it.

Experiment 2

On Friday last week I got the train to work without buying a ticket. When the conductor arrived and asked to see my ticket I told him I hadn’t got one. When he asked why not I said it was because of the spicy margs.

Result: £49 penalty fare. Spicy margs not applicable under railway bylaws.

Experiment 3

Two days ago, I went over to the shared kitchen area at work and found a woman making a round of tea for her colleagues. Maintaining eye contact throughout, I pushed all the mugs of tea onto the floor, where some of them smashed and the tea went everywhere. She jumped backwards, since her feet were now covered in very hot tea, catching her skirt on a drawer handle and sustaining some minor damage to her attire. She asked me what the hell I thought I was doing. I told her it was because of the spicy margs.

Result: employment tribunal pending. Union legal representative advises me that spicy margs are not a defence under the terms of my employer’s code of conduct.

Conclusion

Blaming it on the spicy margs is terrible advice. I will not be spending £14.99 on the framed art print that Ian was advertising.