Avatar The Pernickety Dickhead turns a new leaf

Past Chris was demonstrably a nightmare: see his previous exploits, part 1 and part 2. But he wasn’t all bad. By 2007, there were emerging signs that he might have started to mend his pernickety ways.

On 26 July that year, Past Chris was disappointed to find a foreign object in a tin of custard, but – not being particularly annoyed about it, and his mood being positively influenced by exposure to custard – wanted only to help prevent any future customer from suffering the same fate. With that in mind he wrote what amounts to a downright friendly letter to Ambrosia, manufacturers of custard.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to express my disappointment in finding something unexpected in my custard.

I was nearing the end of a can of Ambrosia custard – in fact, I should confess, I had given up trying to find something to pour it on and I was just finishing the last quarter on its own straight from the tin – when my spoon emerged with a small brown object visible as part of its cargo.

It looks to me like a flake of brown paint, though I haven’t investigated it in any great detail. I have looked at where the can was kept, before and after opening, and I can only conclude it was already in there before I opened it. In any case, I have taped it to some card and included it here so that you might be able to work out where it came from and stop something similar landing in somebody else’s dessert.

I have not included the can itself, but the date stamp on the lid reads “04/2009 18:30 7 107 D”. It is the full-fat, maximum enjoyment variety.

Yours faithfully,

Chris Marshall

For his troubles, Past Chris received a £5 voucher to spend on more custard. It pays to be nice. Past Chris was a changed man, pernickety no more.

12 comments on “The Pernickety Dickhead turns a new leaf

  • I like that non-pernickety 2007 Chris was much more altruistic in his approach to complaining, I’m also glad that other people just eat custard from the tin like I do when there’s some left.

  • Absolutely. I see no reason to mess around finding things to put custard on. If there is something, then that’s great, put some custard on it. But if you want some custard don’t let anything stop you. Just open the tin and get your spoon in there.

  • I bought more custard and it was as pure as a mountain stream, except thicker and sweeter and more yellow. Just as a mountain stream ought to be.

  • That sounds about right to me. I imagine I got five or six cans, minimum. I also have a vague feeling that I invested some of that voucher in Ambrosia tinned semolina, because I like that too, but at this remove I couldn’t be sure about that.

    One thing’s for sure, though: in the futuristic hellscape we now inhabit, the same £5 voucher would barely get me a kick in the teeth from a backstreet Ambrosia dealer.

  • Tinned semolina, wow, I haven’t had that since school. When I’m walking up and down the aisles of supermarkets it’s not something that immediately comes to mind as “food” that I want to consume.

  • Yeah, tinned semolina. It must be several years since I last had it too, but I do like it. I would also welcome a tin of tapioca into my home with open arms. In fact I’d probably take either of those over a rice pudding. It’s just how I roll.

  • “Tapioca is a starch extracted from the roots of the cassava plant, a perennial shrub native to Brazil, but whose use is now spread throughout South America. It is a staple food for millions of people in tropical countries. It provides only carbohydrate food value, and is low in protein, vitamins and minerals. In other countries, it is used as a thickening agent in various manufactured foods.”

    If that doesn’t turn your head and make you want a steaming bowl of it then I don’t know what will.

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