So you’ve taken the plunge and out comes an orb. Well done! Please refer back to my previous post before reading on because we’re British here and we don’t like getting ahead of ourselves (see here: ORBS).
You will be completely perplexed at first but that’s okay, relax! Everyone struggles with their first orb so you are not alone in your endeavours. Gently place the orb on the sofa next to you and carry on scanning this helpful article.
Your orb will still be quite small and easy to deal with. The most important thing is not to treat it like a piece of luggage. Don’t put it in your rucksack or man bag, however you roll in 2019, underneath your gym socks and your eiderdowns. This orb has feelings and whilst it may warm your socks in readiness for your upcoming “stretch session” you will not win any orbular points. Carry the orb in your arms, either out in front of you or cautiously tucked into your side. If you have the correct equipment you can put the orb in a carry case on your back so you have the benefit of being able to use your hands whilst knowing the orb is safe. It will also allow you and your orb to grow closer together because of the contact you share.
When your orb is having a fun time it will glow a warmish, orange colour; this way you know you are doing things right. If at any point they emit a loud shriek like a pigeon in a pair of stilettos then you know something is wrong. Similarly, if they display any colours towards a reddish hue then that is also an indication that you should look at what you’re doing. Occasionally your orb may confuse you further by glowing a purple or lavender colour, the same as Prince’s rain, which will either mean they’re happy but worried at the same time or that they need the toilet. We would strongly recommend keeping some orb bags with you at all times in case they have a little accident. Replacement dungarees are also to be encouraged.
There is a lot to do at first, so much that there is not enough (fake) ink and (fake) paper to cover everything, and you may feel overwhelmed. Remember that everyone learns from their mistakes and you are not the first person to pick up a little mess from the ground because you misinterpreted the colour scheme of your orb.
Love your orb and your orb will love you right back.
20 comments on “You and Your Orb”
If I do win any orbular points, can I spend them on something? Is it possible to convert them to cash?
Ten thousand orbular points will win you a keyring. It’s a very special keyring.
Is it orbular? I don’t see how it could be very special if it’s anything other than deeply orbular.
It’s the deeply erotic chaos of the keyring world i.e. very orbular.
Plus it goes well with all your other keys.
That sounds lovely. My existing keyring’s sex appeal is beginning to fade. Time I dumped it for a younger, more deeply erotic model.
What is your current keyring? Is there any way that we could jshuh… jzush… yjuzs… any way we could jazz it up a little for you?
I don’t think that’s possible. The letters haven’t been invented that would allow me to spell that course of action. No, time it just went in the bin and something brazenly arousing was attached to my clutch of long, hard key shafts.
Every part of that last sentence is dirty, especially the ‘bin’.
Also, shafts.
You’re damn right it is. I write most of my comments myself, but that particular one had to be extra dirty, so I had it specially commissioned from a brothel madam.
Your post deserves its own section in ‘the filth flange’ which is what I am taking to call all the porn that is flooding into our website. Pour it down the filth flange.
I don’t know what a filth flange is but I already know I’d want to wash my hands if I ever touched one.
I too am most perplexed by the idea of a filth flange and I was the one who brought it up! Perhaps it’s some kind of tube where filth is dispensed into? I’m really worried now. What if it’s similar to the Character Hatch (TM)?
Given that “flange” doesn’t mean “tube” I think that’s unlikely, though we can’t rule it out entirely at this stage.
Flange
/flan(d)?/
noun.
A projecting flat rim, collar, or rib on an object, serving for strengthening or attachment or (on a wheel) for maintaining position on a rail.
Strengthening an attachment. Strengthening a Character Hatch (TM) :O oh no!
#jumpingtoconclusions
I like the idea of it being a rib. The filth is ribbed for your pleasure.
Filthy.
A filthy flange?
We’re in danger of being shut down soon.
Are our magical computers incompatible with filth, smut, sleaze, prurience and vulgarity?
I told you, at the end of last year, Kev, that more filth was coming. That it would sweep through the panic pipes. That it would rush into the sluice gates.
We’re already too filthy to turn back now.
All I can say is that it’s a good job we paid extra for all those panic pipes when we built the Beans.