Newsboost – unused material (part two)

I think I deserve credit for not diving into this straight away after unleashing this hotch potch of box-ticking nostalgia bait. I waited a whole *checks* four months before phoning it in again. You’re welcome.

I also deserve a hearty pat on the back for writing a ‘quick post to earn a bean’ post nine days before the end of the month. I’m breaking all the rules of convention. What a trendsetter I am. You’re also welcome (God, this is exhausting).

We need some kind of awards ceremony to celebrate how great I am not just at being me but also being me in written form.

Anyway, enough of that. Let’s dive back into 2014 Ian to see what was going through his mind:

An apple a day keeps the cold-calling telemarketing away
Giant butt sea castle
Torch eyes tours
Dyslexic spelling error sky writer message
Nuclear fallout – beetles and lens solution
Learning to write with toothpaste is silly
Sugar cube igloo
Snake shoelaces. Worm shoelaces?
Bulldog clips rep is misguided (?)
Fruit tennis
Return of the icing sugar squirrels (this one still makes me laugh)
Napkins have feelings too, you know
Bog roll binoculars
Public trampolines
New type of screwdriver

The rest of the ideas from this page were so good they were used in the Twitter feed because they’re all crossed out.

What a great time was had by all.

ABOFB 40: Slogans

Continuing our ‘peek-behind-the-curtain’ theme, this week we let you in on our discussions as to whether the podcast needs a slogan. After 25 episodes we finally named the podcast and 15 episodes later, in this 40th and final episode of series 4, we actually use it for the first time. In this episode we…

Bounce around some terrible slogan suggestions
Have some practice starts to try them out
Get distracted by Tigers
Fail to come up with a slogan

Clompotition time (last one)

You’ll all be thrilled to know that this is the last one I have before we can retire this charade masquerading as a proper post. We all have stuff we like to whip out (waaaaaay!) as a cheap post from time to time to fill the quota and tick the boxes. I still have plenty of guff to fill your screens, and your time with, so divant fret, pet, if you’re worried about the lack of meaningful content.

Surely in our roles as gods of the Internet, for existing so long in this digital hellscape, we practically invented meaningful content (or whatever passes for it these days).

Anyway, enough preaching. Guess the expiry date of this bottle of ketchup.

Here’s a little hint too; it’s nowhere near as old as any of the other entries.

Ba-na-nay-nay

I woke up on Thursday with a specific purpose. I didn’t know that purpose until I got to work later on that morning.

I was sat next to wor Geoff, who’s always got something interesting to say. We were chatting about interesting jobs and he mentioned bananas.

“Bananas? What do you mean?” I asked. It turns out that on his breaks wor Geoff likes to browse the Internet and goes down rabbit holes of various topics depending on how he’s feeling that day. He mentions that apparently there is a job called an authorised banana weigher. I scoff at such a prospect but a little Google later and I find the details on gov.uk website. There IS a job where you are a person who is officially authorised to weigh bananas. I excitedly scan through the page looking for the details on how to become one and reach a list. In order to become one you have to:

have no record of infringement or repeated infringements of customs and tax legislation
provide assurance that weighing operations will be performed correctly
have access to appropriate and maintained weighing equipment
maintain accurate records so customs can carry out controls
give customs advanced notice of all weighing operations

It’s beautiful. I can do all of this. All I need is some proper weighing scales and I am golden. I’m about to click on the link to fill the form in, well on my way to being an official banana weigher, and my eyes drift back over the list. I’ve missed one. There’s a fairly important one that I must have glazed over.

be involved in the import, carriage, storage or handling of fresh bananas

Boo! Booooo! How am I gonna start importing banana? I’ve got no contacts in the banana industry. I can’t fill in a form and start walking around in big shoes, I have to *actually* do something outside of my comfort zone.

Crestfallen, I close the page and return to my job. The excitement has gone. I will never be fully authorised to weigh my bananas, your bananas or anyone’s bloody bananas.

Clickbait roundup

The internet is full of junk these days, articles promoted into your social media feeds and “related content” links in your news articles. And you want to read it all, of course you do, it looks fascinating. But you’re a busy Executive Gentleman with a busy executive lifestyle, and you don’t have time for all that.

So how are you going to keep up with your colleagues around the watercooler when they’re all discussing the latest clickbait articles they’ve been reading? Well, never fear. My new subscription service Clickbaitr is now up and running, and for a monthly fee I’ll summarise all the hottest clickbait on the internet so you can keep up with this rapidly changing world.

Interested? Of course you are. See below for your free trial of conveniently summarised clickbait junk.

New: Plunge Digital Yoghurt

Hi, Kevin here from Plunge Networks. Following our recent buyout of Skype, we’ve thought for literally minutes about what to do with the former biggest brand in consumer digital communications, and you know what we thought? That’s right, yoghurt!

Introducing Plunge Digital Yoghurt: the next evolution in snack technology. Upgrade your taste buds. Upgrade your lunch. Plunge Digital Yoghurt, where flavour meets innovation! Launching soon in two great flavours, combining everything you’ve come to know and love about Plunge Communications Networks Inc.

Fruity Mango: A smooth, tropical connection to your inner island. Enjoy a burst of tropical delight with every spoonful. Real mango bits, swirled into creamy, futuristic perfection.

Spicy WiFi: It’s tangy. It’s zesty. It pings your senses. This yoghurt packs a kick as electrifying as your internet connection. Can you handle the heat?

Whether you’re buffering between meetings or uploading flavour to your lunch break, Plunge Digital Yoghurt keeps you connected… deliciously.

Log on. Plunge in.

Newsboost – unused material (part one)

You may or may not remember the Newsboost Twitter account that I started back in 2014. It was a way of force-feeding mega news into the public subconscious via a steady stream. I ran it for roughly a year before abandoning it as one of those Beans side projects that didn’t quite work out as well as we’d hoped.

I still have the same notebook that I jotted ideas in. Most of them were used but there were some that didn’t make the cut, possibly because they were too “radical” for the time or, which is much more likely, because they were utter nonsense that popped into my head for a moment and there was nothing I could do with it.

Anyway, here’s a short list of what could’ve been:

A good chair shouldn’t be sat upon
Portable sarcasm
Pointy beard serving posts (?)
Credit card gifts to children for irresponsible parents
Broom jacket
Aliens have given up on earth
Drive by serenades
Recycling man caught littering
Skeleton career guidance
Polar bears stealing chips
Tub Barsley promises a marrow for every household
Backwards cutlery for dieters
THE NOSE IS THE FACE ON THE BODY OF THE FACE
Chicken on drums
Slowest tortoise keyboardist fired
Big ass television comeback
Growling slippers
New number set to debut this Autumn
Chronic pigs

I’ve listed this as ‘part one’ because after turning over the page there’s so much more and one month where I’m not particularly feeling it, I can whip this out again for a quick win.

Proof that not every idea is a good idea (but every invention is a good invention).

The what spray!?

Having a stroll through the middle of Lidl, like any good 40 year old man does, I came across some sprays.

Nothing too remarkable about that. These ones were a set of liquids intended to be aerosolled into various bits of a car engine…

Engine Starter Spray: Fair enough. I’ve never needed such a thing, but I can understand why it exists.

V-Belt Spray: Again, I’ve never needed such stuff but its existence makes sense to me.

Anti-??? Spray: It protects your leads and cables, apparently you need to do this. It has “Excellent adhesion” and “Lasting protection”. But from what?

Competitions seem to be all the rage on the Beans lately, so what do you think? What common engine based malaise is this spray protecting from?

Pouring
Beans

Category: Business