Turning back the clock

This week I’ve left behind the glamorous world I have occupied for the last year and returned to my old job. Those of you with long memories will recall that it principally involves pushing buttons when foreign people point at me.

There have been several effects as a result of this change.

I find myself catapulted back into a life I last inhabited in January 2015. We all remember that month and everything that happened in it. For me, Uptown Funk is still at the top of the charts and Lithuania has only just adopted the Euro. I won’t actually buy the blue and green striped jumper I’m currently wearing for another ten months. I am living in the past.

I am left with a sense of malaise, which comes from the feeling that my career is moving backwards and not forward, and from the changes that have happened to my old job in my absence. I am also getting re-acquainted with many of my old colleagues which involves talking to people. I don’t like talking to people.

Others have been affected too. My beloved Crab Mug, once the darling of a major broadcaster’s master control room, has returned to my flat, where it feels deflated and redundant, but conversely my white coffee cup (ceramic with silicone lid and grip, in a design that makes it look like a disposable cup from a coffee shop) has been liberated from my locker, which had been shut for the last 14 months, and is enjoying something of a renaissance.

This has been a difficult transition for me, one whose effects will be felt through my life, like aftershocks from some sort of career-based earthquake, for months to come. Some of the results are positive and others are negative.

But one thing is for sure. Everyone I know will have to put up with me complaining about it for the forseeable future, and in that sense, they may be the real losers here.

Kevindo Menendez & Smoochies Inc.

PRESS RELEASE

LEEDS, UK – Internationally renowned design genius, Kevindo Menendez has today, 16/3/16, finally taken the wraps off his new fashion collection for babies developed closely with much respected manufacturer of fancy goods, Smoochies Inc.

The new range, entitled “Baby Looks Good”, is expected to be available for retail distribution from the beginning of April. The range uses key elements from Menendez’s back catalog, such as the ‘CRAB’ and ‘PENGUIN’ motifs and the now legendary artwork commissioned by PouringBeans for their website.

I am very proud to have been a part of the development of this new range. I have always admired Kevindo’s artwork, I actually have several original pieces in my studio at home, and to be able to bring it to the masses in a range which is durable, absorbent and machine washable is greatly satisfying.

Ian McIver, Managing director of Smoochies Inc.

Huh? I just doodled a crab and this bloke brought me some things with it on. Everyone seems really excited by it so I guess it must be good.

Kevindo Menendez, Design Genius

Retaillers or distributors interested in stocking the range should contact Smoochies Inc Directly via the usual channels, quoting ref: S3LL-M3-CR4BS

Current Investigations

Have you seen this man?

The relevant authorities are currently looking for the suspect due to his possible involvement in the recent fires at the Jerry Loinsford Memorial Publishing house.

Referred to only as Kevindo Menendez to both friends and work colleagues, the suspect has on occasion, which is putting it lightly, been known to undertake various lengthy and overwhelming construction work to his current accommodation.

Even though his poodle grooming salon failed and ultimately closed several years ago, Mr Menendez, pictured here enjoying the benefits of traffic light jelly, has had recent success with his line of baked beans.

The suspect has not had any prior involvement in any incidents of arson, however several comments regarding the owner of the publishing house and his award-winning books and personality have placed him directly at the front of the authorities’ enquiries.

If you know the whereabouts of this reprobate, please contact someone wearing shoes.

Remembering is Fun

I have recently been on a bit of a tidying binge in and around the flat. I took a lot of time out in January to buff to sheen all the jobs I had been procrastinating about during December. And there were tons. It also didn’t help that other people were actively handing me MORE things to do but hey, that’s just me. If I’m me, and I usually am, then I’m always helping.

In sorting out a particularly shifty box in the corner of my room, I re-discovered this interesting artefact from a certain Mr C Marshall:

I’m not very good with dates. I am very certain that this was when he, as in him, as in you, Chris, we’re at university learning how to push buttons for the BBC. Just think of where you would be now were it not for the booze and juice aisles.

My absolute favourite though is the ‘don’t know’ section which contained Lord only knows what kind of middling weirdness and frivolity.

Remembering is Fun.

Picture comments!

Elena asked recently… “Can I html an image into this comment box?” The answer then was no.

The answer now is still no, but I have added a funky new picture comment tool deeley to the site, which might come in handy.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

(Don’t say I never get you anything!)

P.S. I got a motherloving bean, motherlovers!

Beans Christmas Raffle!

Hi all, welcome, welcome. It’s that time, not that time again because we haven’t done it before, but that time! Time for the Beans Christmas Raffle!

And boy do we have a doozy of a 1st Prize for you… One lucky winner will* win Chelmsford!

chelmsford-sign chelmsford-shirehall chelmsford-bridge

That’s right, the City of Chelmsford is the county town of Essex. It is located in the London commuter belt, and is just 32 miles north east of Charing Cross, and, get this, only 22 miles from Colchester! Once you win this fabulous new city, you will be in charge of a population of approximately 110,000! Think of what you could do with that.

Second prize will* be a Yardley Tac Set from Boots.

Third Prize is** a tin of Pinapple chunks!

Ooooooooooooh! Exciting isn’t it. 10 Tickets are yours for only £10.10 send you money now to:

Beans Christmas Raffle
Pouring Beans Estate
The Internet
PC1 1PC

* won’t
** isn’t

Black Sunday

Here at the Beans we are not prepared to jump abroad whatever flashy trashy spur of the moment, king for a day, soup du jour bandwagon everyone else is desperately trying to hoist themselves onto. No. What we stand for is dignity, truth and ultimately originality.

So this gives me great pleasure to unveil a list of special, rare, only available for one moment items on this very blackest of Black Sundays. Feast for eyes on these sweaty mommas:

Lense Catcher

Such a marvel. What we have here is a stylish plastic container specifically designed to look after your eyes. It oozes desirability and can be filled with water and used to cool your finger tips. This will certainly be the talking point of any fancy dinner or soiree you decide to host. Can also be used as a training potty for very small animals; £499.99.

Bus Pigeon

The Bus Pigeon, or Le pigeon de l’arrêt de bus as it is sometimes known, is only known to surface one day of the year. It you can catch it then it will bring you good luck and fortune, and it also increases your ability to play both Connect 4 and mini golf. Sleek and modern, a veritable treasure trove of danger and beauty; £999.99.

Street Literature

This edition of the Argos catalogue is now so rare that only the CEO has a copy. It features a cartoon of all the financial directors laughing at everyone who buys their items full price when they could easily get them from Amazon for a third of the cost. There’s a rumour Bobby Costanzo has a framed copy hovering above his midnight toilet; £4,999.99.

Act now!!

One per person per household per county per country per kingdom.

Spread the Word

From the recent statistical analysis, and customer satisfaction questionnaire, carried out earlier on this year it is quite clear that the average number of visitors to the Beans on a weekly basis has reached it’s highest numbers since the ‘zorse years’. It is estimated that approximately six people, including Kev, come to read and sometimes share their thoughts with the Beans collective. Now I’ve never been known to shunt a positive acumen up the ajax but with winter fast approaching and nobody having suggested any zany ideas for a while I feel we need to double or possibly triple those numbers in order to justify the size of Chris’ dance studio and Kevin’s virtual poodle bar.

Having briefly glanced through a list of possible ideas with which to boost the visitors to the site, it has been decided that I should venture forth to the small village of Ivalo in Finland in the hope to gaining their sponsorship and their patronage.

Ivalo is a village in dense region of Inari, Lapland. It currently has a population of just less than four thousand and, as of 2003, includes the benefit of a small airport. It is this very airport I am hoping to fly to in order to encourage the mayor of Ivalo to seal a deal in a wigwam and have hundreds of Finnish tourists knock knock knocking at the doors of the Beans. All I will need is a small contribution from the kitty and I’ll be on my way.

I’ll meet you in the first class lounge on C deck.