We all know that Stephen Patrick Morrissey is an outspoken English faded popstar, to quote a certain Mr Manly. The internet is scattered with the daft, racist and downright bizarre things that he has said after almost 40 years in the music business. Does he say them for fun, to gain publicity to keep his fame up or does he actually mean it?
Something that has been kept under wraps though has been the second layer of bad, the custard skin under Morrissey’s comments, another level of absurdity below the absurdity. Morrissey’s arms are just as bad as the person they’re attached to. Here are, in no particular order, are the top five worst things that they have uttered:
- Whilst out on the town in 2004 celebrating the release of his seventh studio album ‘You Are the Quarry’, and after way too many Sunset Margaritas, Morrissey’s arms were overheard bragging that, “Poor people are only good for two things: shooting and lighting my cigars off!”
- “I once glued three 9 year old children together to make a 27 year old man and it didn’t work.” This was taken from an interview with Monta Mino, a hugely popular Japanese television presenter in 2004. Morrissey’s arms claim that the comment was mistranslated at the time but later he stood by it and added, “We called him Winston and he lived in my garage for three months. I spat on him every time I saw him.”
- His taste in food and drink are more well-known than anything else as Morrissey’s arms edited the food column in the Guardian for the best part of five years between 2008 and 2013. That said, during his tour in 2015 he let slip to a journalist prior to his gig in Birmingham, “I eat pangolins three times a week. I can’t eat them all so I leave them alive until halfway through and then throw away the rest. Raw pangolin tastes like liquid gold.”
- “Alfred Bonar Law was a waste of space. I have artists paint his likeness into mangoes and then I shove my thumb in his eyes for fun.” Referring to Law, the shortest serving prime minister of Great Britain in the 20th century, Morrissey’s arms also went on to question his sexuality and his ability to use a bow and arrow in an interview with Time Magazine in 2005.
- A lot of the time the views between left and right arms match. Sometimes though their opinions conflict leading to some dramatic confrontations. When asked by Jonathan Ross to elaborate on his opinions of France, Morrissey’s left arm begin with, “I visit it several times a year. They bring so much to Europe that one cannot underestimate the cultural impact of France, even if most of them smell like dead turds floating in a pool of piss.” The right then barged in, “I want to put all of them in a box and shut the lid using a sharp flamethrower. One time me and Bono got so drunk we steamrolled a village in Cumberland and blamed it on the French.”
The apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree and those armpits stink for a reason.
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12 comments on “The 5 worst things Morrissey’s arms have ever said”
If this post results in legal action I’d like to make it clear, right now, that I have nothing to do with it and have never even heard of Ian.
Now, more than ever, it is important that people know these things. My arms are also not the angels they appear to be.
I heard Kev’s arms once visited the pencil museum in Keswick.
I heard that rumour too. I heard they snapped all the pencils in the gift shop.
*strains against the natural flow but cannot help himself*
I guess that made the gift shop pretty… pointless!
Ding! Start the clock!
I think we need to go back to your arms. Misbehaviour on the part of your arms has been alluded to but their crimes have not been detailed. What have they been doing?
I can’t, it’s part of one of my new books coming out later this year and I promised the extracts to credible news sheet, the Daily Cushion.
All I can say is that I haven’t spoken to Roland Rat since…
Another new book? Setting fire to every copy is going to be tricky while we’re in lockdown. Thanks for the warning. I’ll start planning now.
I would tell you the location of my new warehouse but that would take all the fun out of your escapades (or “criminal activity” as the police would call it). Needless to say it is the best house of ware ever.
Don’t worry. We’ll find it. We always do.
There’s a little prize waiting for you when you get there.
Is it a Terry’s Chocolate Orange? I like those.
It is. It’s a red onion covered in toffee. That’s similar to a Cherry Chocolate Morange, right?