Category: Positive Moments

Avatar County Durham review

Until this summer County Durham was not a place I had ever really been. It sits between Yorkshire, where I have spent literally years of my life, and the rest of the North East, where I have been many times. County Durham was a place I passed through to get between them. Before August, my total experience of County Durham can be summed up like this:

  • Passing through on the A1 between junctions 59 and 64, multiple times.
  • Passing through on the A19 between Sheraton and Seaham, multiple times.
  • Passing through on the train between Darlington and Chester-le-Street, four times.
  • Going to Burger King at Washington Services, which is no longer part of the administrative county but is within the traditional and ceremonial borders of County Durham, twice.

Earlier this month I arrived for a three-day stay (which I am certain counts as a “sojourn”, a term I reserve the right to use again later in this post) to soak up the County Duhamian atmosphere, basing myself in Barnard Castle. I am now ready to present my second ever county review.

Activities

While in County Durham I visited two waterfalls, walked along an extremely picturesque river, saw a ruined abbey, Roman remains, a big chimney in the middle of some woods and a really good castle. I also witnessed an almost overwhelming quantity of scenery while travelling.

I give County Durham four stars for activities.

****

Accommodation

We stayed in a very nice cottage next to the river, with the sound of running water outside at all times, in a way that was nice rather than annoying. It had more bedrooms than we could use, a spiral staircase, a massive designer fridge and two monsoon showers. I didn’t really want to leave and got into an argument when the owner tried to get their keys back.

I give County Durham five stars for accommodation.

*****

Food and drink

I was able to maintain my usual habit of eating three times a day without difficulty, and the food I ate was almost all very good. I had chips on multiple occasions and Big Frank, travelling with me, had sandwiches with a side of gravy two days running. However, we forgot to buy breakfast one day so the next morning we had to have grapes and coffee.

I give County Durham four stars for food.

****

Conclusion

My sojourn to County Durham has earned it a total of thirteen stars. This is one more than Derbyshire, which has held the title of “best county” for three years, and which now moves into second place. As these are the only two counties that have been rated, County Durham is now officially the best county and Derbyshire is simultaneously the second best and also the worst.

Thank you for your time.

Avatar Nicknamenews

Approximately one billion years ago, when he briefly ran his own website that heavily featured the letter Q, our very own Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver published a list of all the names by which he was regularly known, and for a man still in his late teens the list was hugely impressive.

I never thought of myself as a chap with a lot of nicknames (a term indicating a familiar name for a person that is not their official or legal designation, and which is short for the more descriptive “Nicholas Name”), but recently a series of new ones were bestowed upon me (thank you Bex and Zeb), with promises that they would all be used, and it caused me to count up how many I have now accrued.

Please enjoy this potentially exhaustive, and certainly exhausting, list of the nicknames that can be used to address me. If you can remember any others then please do chuck them at the comments section.

From family and related areas

  • Kipper
  • Kissifer
  • Pififer
  • Christopheles

From school

  • Marshall
  • Monobrow
  • Christopheles J. Bartholomew
  • Mackshall

From friends of various denominations

  • Captain Numbers
  • James
  • Topher
  • Virginia Woolf (not used very often)
  • Criss Crimz
  • Crich5156

From work

  • Chris B
  • Crispy
  • Chuckles
  • Charlie Chuckles

Newly added this week and now available for use

  • Chris Army Knife
  • A Swing and a Chris
  • Chrispy Kreme
  • Chrismas Cake
  • Going the Christance
  • Long Christance Relationship
  • Chris Congeniality
  • Chrisalis
  • Chris from a Rose
  • French Chrissing in the USA
  • The Chrisard of Oz
  • The Ipchris File
  • No More Christer Nice Guy
  • The Long Chris Goodnight
  • Christal Maze
  • Chris and chips
  • Chrission Impossible
  • Chrississippi
  • We Built Chris City on Rock and Roll

Avatar Good deed o’clock

What’s a modern day hero to you? Is it someone who saves your life after getting your tie caught in a printing press or is it the person who hands you your sandwich and wishes you a good day? What even classes as a good deed anymore when the tiniest thing can be misconstrued or misunderstood?

It’s a good job that I’m such a good egg, ready to put all of you to shame with the sheer wealth the SHEER PLETHORA of good deeds that I’ve knocked up this month. My days have been brimming with altruism that I don’t even know where to start. I suppose I’ll have to cut them down to, I don’t know, a list of three, the three main ones, so that you don’t all die of embarrassment.

Don’t tell me that I never do anything for you.

  1. Package save – when I was out walking the doggo one afternoon-o I chanced upon a package in the street-o. The delivery truck-o must have dropped it-o when they were doing something else. I took it back home and checked where the address-o was and, thankfully, it wasn’t too far away-o. Later on that day-o, I posted it through the person’s letterbox so that they safely received their goods.
  2. Pigeon save – when I was out walking the doggo one afternoon (again?), we turned the corner and I went to put the doggo’s poo bag in the bin. What I wasn’t expecting was a pigeon to be staring back at me from inside the bin. It looked a big manky and had green stuff smeared on its wing, as if someone had thrown a drink and showered the poor thing. I ran back to the flat, picked up a few items and then carefully (hands wrapped in empty poo bags) scooped it up and placed it on the floor. After a drink of water, it looked a lot better. I was reluctant to give it food in case this was some kind of pigeon grift and a thousand pigeons all flocked towards me as soon as I brought out a bag of breadcrumbs.
  3. Spoon save – I gave a friend at work a plastic spoon so they could eat their breakfast.

Personally, I think the last one is the most important because if you don’t have the right implement, how are you going to eat your oats? Think about it.

Avatar Beans: questions and mysteries – ‘Kevbeard’

It’s a new year and it’s time for a fresh ‘chude too. There has been a lot of fan mail recently asking questions about us, inquisitive and rather personal questions, so rather than respond to each and every person I have decided to answer the letters on here because it also gives me a scrumptious post towards my bean count. THAT and you know there were letters with duplicate questions so I’m not going to be a hack and start photocopying letters like some cheap so and so and then sign the bottom as if they’re all original, genuine articles. There are standards to be upheld, you know.

People (and by “people” I mean the two people who somehow managed to obtain my personal address) keep asking me, “what’s the deal with Kevin and his facial hair?”

“Where is it?”

“Does it live in a shoe by the back door?”

Calm down, I said, then pummelled a glass of Bichon Frisé and two slices of toast. Let me set the record straight before all you conspiracy nuts chase me down.

It’s all very simple and wholesome when you know the truth. Yes, it does exist. Kevin has the most wonderful, most bountiful, more buxom beard out of all three of us. He has been growing it since the late 90’s and to this day refuses to pass on his cultivation techniques. Many a time have I plied him with brandy and sought the secrets of his grooming (steady now) abilities and no matter how many bottles I tip down his throat he will not relinquish the goods. Though I may be a little sour of note, I do appreciate the moxie shown by this young man to keep steadfast his confidentialities.

Kevin chooses not to wear his beard in public because it would attract unwanted attention. In the early days when beards were still scorned by the general population he would occasionally bring it out on a lovely summer’s morn. If it were quiet the sun would glow and it would pulse like a rabbit in a hutch filled with alfalfa. His little face would fill with delight to feel the rays, the cool breeze blowing through his bristles, he looked like a young Grizzly Adams. The modern world has taken a shine (no pun intended) to a man’s face candy so there is no chance for any such displays anymore. When the heat got too much, Kev put his beard on a barge to Malta and there it lives in a stunning villa on the West coast. He visits thrice a year, sometimes more if his schedule will allow it.

To catch a glimpse of Kev and his beard would be a rare treat indeed. I get several lucrative offers from the paparazzo every year to disclose the location of the villa so they can but for one moment capture the beauty of the beard and each time I turn them down. Holster your wallets, I say, I cannot be bought. There are more important things than money. We could all learn a lot from Kevbeard (not a pirate however could also be a pirate name).

Avatar Tiny pig

Having recently been tasked with trying to find more photos for the upcoming 2024 Pouring Beans calendar, I was looking through the various photos on my phone in the hopes of locating the ones of the boxes I used to keep in the corner of my bedroom that were riddled with various quips, zingers and bizarre things written down during phone calls from over a decade ago. Needless to say, the search is currently ongoing (although the boxes may be hiding in the one cupboard in my flat).

As I flicked through the many, many pictures in my possession I came across a series involving a tiny toy guinea pig. These clearly were taken by one or all three of my nieces and transferred via the usual means of Whatsapp. I definitely do not own a tiny guinea pig and did not spend time putting them in hilarious places so that I could take photographs to mark the occasion. We’ve all met me, right? It is the kind of thing I could potentially do, I’ll admit, however this time I am not the culprit.

Given that everyone absolutely loves the PicCollages that I make, I have decided to make a PicCollage to collect the best of the six in my camera reel. Suck deep and bathe, my friends.

Avatar H-A-L-L-U-M-I

Back in July 2020, Ian was carrying out some gentle archaeology among his possessions, which had begun to settle in accreted layers like sedimentary rock. In the midst of a rich stratum of shopping lists and half-finished song lyrics, he stumbled upon a miniature Sacred Book, and reported this to the Beans.

The booklet runs only to four pages in a bigger book that is otherwise full of other tat, and records the events that took place in the Magic Lantern pub in Whitley Bay (which later became a Harvester, and is now, of course, a Miller and Carter). In-depth scientific analysis of the occasions on which all three of us were in Newcastle, cross-referenced with the visits that had not produced a full Book, suggests that this was likely to have been in 2009.

We begged Ian to scan in these pages so they could be added to our collective store of wisdom on the Beans. We implored him. We offered him trinkets and prizes and financial incentives in discreet brown envelopes. But he resisted, and no scan was ever made.

Well, I don’t know about you, but my patience ran out, and it ran out at about 6.30 this morning. So I took the dodgy photos he had posted to the Beans, straightened and corrected them, and produced decent quality images of all four pages which I have now added to the Beans, bypassing the whole sorry business of Ian having to scan them. I have titled this new book “H-A-L-L-U-M-I”, that being the first thing written in it.

Its four pages contain an amazing number of in-jokes that survive to this day:

  • Wexford and the cheeses
  • Chris’s scrodsack of change
  • The science of warms per air

So, there it is, a lost slice of history, saved for the benefit of the nation. You can find it in the Books section.