2016 State of the Beans Address

Delegates, please, take your seats. The buffet and free hot drinks will continue to be available during the open seminar at the end of today’s session. There’s no need to push. Settle down, please.

Thank you. Good afternoon. My name is Professor Elbert Louche, and it is my pleasure to have been asked back to deliver this 2016 State of the Beans Address.

The New Beans has now been running for two years, a bold social experiment that has grasped the zeitgeist and undeniably transformed British culture. It has won several awards of its own making. In 2015, 96 posts were made by Beans members – an increase of 14 on the previous year – and 1,430 comments were made, almost double the number made in 2014. This is both impressive and delightful.

Let’s take a look at what each individual Beanist has accomplished.

Chris

This member made a total of 48 posts, precisely four a month, earning him 12 full beans and zero nasty dried peas. Chris continues to be the only member of the Beans pictured in a blue tie, something that he was hoping would catch on but so far hasn’t.

Ian

Historically Pouring Beans’ most reliable contributor, Ian has pus finger to keyboard on 35 occasions, timing those posts carefully to stay within the strict Bean Counter rules, and has also come away with an unbroken run of 12 tasty beans. His attempted catchphrase “sweet petunia!” has, again, failed to gain any traction in the last twelve months.

Kev

A look at the statistics shows that Kev made just 12 posts in 2015, but a more detailed examination of the facts revealed that from August 2015 onwards he has transformed himself from an idle, feckless individual, more interested in refurbishing his domestic environment than sharing the burden of running the UK’s most popular blog site, into someone who has earned the epithet “contributor” and is now a valued member of the team.

In conclusion, it is clear to everyone that Chris and Ian are joint winners this year, that the Beans is incredibly popular and brilliant, and the future holds many more awards for this website that will undoubtedly be bestowed upon it just as soon as we get round to inventing them. Well done.

Quiet Beans

There hasn’t been much going on during June here at the Beans. Where is everyone? We’ve sent our roving reporter to find out.

Dining Alone Diary

Earlier this week I was working away from home for a couple of days which gave me an excellent opportunity to sit around looking like Billy No Mates whenever I wanted to eat something. The experience of dining out alone can vary from crap to middling, so here are my reviews of some of my eating experiences.

A close encounter

So, the other day at work, I was being at work and doing work stuff in one of our little glass boxes, when I became aware of some sort of kerfuffle or brouhaha taking place just outside.

I turned to see a whole crowd of people from around the office floor all trying to take pictures on their phones. In the midst of them was a camera crew trying to set up to film a TV interview.

With them – dressed all in white from head to toe, and wearing the most tasteless crown imaginable – was Miss World.

Virtually every man on the entire floor queued up for a picture with Miss World (none of the women seemed interested), but because I was working in my little glass box, working and doing work, I didn’t actually meet her or get a picture to prove this happened. But what I DID get were these two incredible pictures taken through the glass that clearly show the close encounter I had with someone who is, according to an unassailably democratic process, officially the most beautiful woman in the world, apparently. And that is basically just as good.

Loyalty

Where do your allegiances lie? Are you loyal to the Royals? Are you allied to the River Clyde? Are you dutiful to anything beautiful?

Until recently this was a question I just couldn’t answer. I didn’t know whose side I was on. But then someone handed me a little card and my life changed.

Yes! Now I have a Porridge Loyalty Card, I am officially loyal to porridge, and I have the documentation to prove it. Nobody can doubt my porridge credentials.

What are you loyal to? Are you a porridge compatriot? I must know.

Proposal: Boring Beans

Good day to you.

I am here to propose a change to this website in light of recent developments.

The Problem

Recently things around here have been too exciting. In just the last three posts there has been talk of goats, owls and handkerchiefs. We cannot go on at this breakneck pace and our readership must surely be suffering from intolerable fatigue. Something has to change.

The Proposal

I now propose that we redirect our efforts and rename this website Boring Beans. In future, all posts must be classified as either “dull”, “tedious” or “soporific”. The colour scheme would be a relaxing mix of greys and beiges. Suitable topics for new posts will include:

A discussion of the merits of different methods of preparation for potatoes
A photo gallery of close-up pictures demonstrating the texture of a number of different bricks
A list of names for different shades of brown

Please give this proposition your fullest consideration and respond with your payment in full by cheque within the next seven days.

Thank you for your time.

Dr. Christopher J. Numbers

B R E A K F A S T

Or as I like to call it, B to the R to the E-A KFAST.

As it is considered to be the most important meal of the day I can understand why some people would think and possibly overthink the process. They may take time picking out what they were planning to eat or there is a particular routine which must be seen through from start to finish before moving on.

There are some though that take it a step too far. One of these people is my sister. This is the sort of marvel that has to be seen to be believed but I will do my best to convey the absurdity of it all. It is a ten step program so let’s begin:

1. Take two different packets of cereal, in this case bitesize Shredded Wheat and obnoxious granola.
2. Line the bottom of your bowl with a layer of bitesize Shredded Wheats, about 7 or 8.
3. Pick them up and individually snap them in two.
4. Worry that you’ve taken too much.
5. Convince yourself that you’ve got the right amount.
6. Pour in the obnoxious granola.
7. Be sure to take out the raisins (we wouldn’t want any taste in there, right?).
8. Smear, not pour, smear half a pot of plain Activia yoghurt over the cereal collection.
9. Fold in the yoghurt so that all or most of the cereal is smothered.
10. Eat and enjoy?

Note that the bitesize Shredded Wheat will be a lot more resistant to the yoghurt that the granola will be and take this into consideration. Please also be aware that should some raisins be left in the mix this is acceptable as they cannot kill.

I hope that this inspires people to be less fussy about their eating habits. I know that it won’t though and the world will carry on spinning with the same amount of spanners who make everyone’s lives that little bit more interesting yet annoying.

I think that it would also make a good poster so any budding artists who want to take a punt please be my guest.

Review: Monty Python Live

Last week I went to see Monty Python Live, on one of their ten final ever dates. It was an exciting night for many reasons but I left feeling very let down.

The first problem was not the fault of Monty Python themselves but was to do with the venue. On arriving at the O2, instead of finding the incredible, expansive white domed tent I had been led to expect by the O2’s promotional material, I found instead a very underwhelming brick-built theatre tucked away on a back street in Soho. It was an extremely long walk from North Greenwich tube station and not at all well placed for river boat services.

On entering the venue the staff were very rude and insisted that my ticket was not valid. It was only by kicking up a considerable stink and threatening to call the police that I was finally admitted to the auditorium. Inside the seat numbers made no sense when compared to the seat number on my ticket so I had to choose my own seat.

The show itself was baffling, principally because it was very difficult to tell who was who. All five of the Monty Python performers were so heavily made-up and disguised in costumes that they were literally unrecognisable. This, and the absence of any material I had seen before or recognised, meant that the whole show was rather strange. The sketches appeared to flow together extremely closely in a single flow of consciousness to the point that it almost resembled a normal theatrical performance, and there was a consistent theme of a murder mystery running through it.

There were very few laughs, and when I attempted to whip the crowd up a bit by shouting “albatross!” or “nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!” I was shushed by other audience members. At one point a steward threatened to eject me if I didn’t stop chanting “spam” through what appeared to be a particularly dull scene involving a police officer interviewing somebody.

After the show I inspected the merchandise, but without much hope, and found it all as abstract and obtuse as the show had been. All of it had the slogan “Agatha Christie’s The Mousetrap” which I don’t remember being one of their better lines and which didn’t seem to have been shouted at any point during the show.

All in all, I would vote to give it a miss as I found it extremely disappointing.

I vote it three stars out of five.