For a while now I’ve been looking for my next big business idea that will expand my already substantial entrepreneurial portfolio and take me to the next level. I’m ready to be the next Jeff Bezos and I think I’ve come up with the product that’s going to get me there.
Now, excitingly for you, I’m offering you the once in a lifetime opportunity to get in on the ground floor with the biggest idea of the century. Throw your cold, hard cash my way and reap the benefits. No more work for you. Once this idea takes off the hardest you’ll ever have to work is when you decide which of your tropical beachfront homes you’ll visit next week. Will it be Bermuda or the Seychelles? Goa or Bridlington? The choice, and the gold-plated superyacht, will be yours.
Here’s the pitch. Brace yourself.
What’s big right now? What is everyone into? The internet.
Where are people spending their money? What’s right on the fashions? Internet-enabled objects.
But everything’s on the internet now. Cars, fridges, electric toothbrushes. What part of your life hasn’t been connected to the internet yet?
Easy. Grass.
Introducing iGrass™, the internet-enabled lawn.
- Webcams are embedded in your lawn, equipped for 4K video streaming and with nightvision capabilities
- Microphones at soil level capture every glorious rustle and every growing blade
- IntelliPoke™ probes infiltrate the underlying strata of leafmould, mulch and root systems to provide real-time feedback on moisture levels, nutrient balance and worm density
These key technologies connect to the iGrass HD app (available for iOS and Android) via Bluetooth, allowing you to monitor your lawn in real time, from wherever you are, and receive automatic push notifications whenever an unwanted weed takes root or a cat has a wee nearby. You can also share pictures, beautiful data infographics and animated GIFs of your digital grass on social media straight out of the app.
Everything is better once it’s connected to the internet and if your frankly mediocre lawn is ever going to turn into something you can be proud of you need to get it online pronto. iGrass™ is the product to help you do it.
Convinced? Of course you are. Quick, chuck me your life savings. You won’t regret it.
15 comments on “Investment opportunity”
I think the big question here is, “Will there be an app for Windows Phone?”. Us potential investors need to know.
Phones don’t need apps, all you do is… fuck about with it for a bit.
Of course there will be an app for Windows Phone. Our team of expert developers are, even now, fucking about with it for a bit. It’ll have big writing across the top that you have to swipe left and right, without it ever being obvious that that’s how it works, and it will be missing a range of important features.
I look forward to the resurgence of the Windows phone. I still have mine, sitting on the kitchen top, waiting for it’s day. And it will have a day, oh yes. And we will be at the forefront of “fucking about” technology when that day arrives.
Good man. Many people reserve the kitchen top for storage of things they will use every day, and need close at hand when preparing food. You, on the other hand, have your priorities right.
It’s ok, Ian prepares his food in the bath so as not to make a mess. He bathes in the bedroom in a big bucket, and sleeps in the hall… on the floor, because that’s fine.
I feel as though someone is jealous as to my lifestyle, Kev. I am the inspiration for… some.
I expect he also sits on the floor, because he’s allergic to comfortableness.
I sit on the floor because it’s necessary. Because that’s where I belong?
No, it’s a simple fact that a family of six cannot sit on a three-seater sofa and two armchairs. I was relegated to the floor because I was the youngest.
Old habits die hard. Me and my lovely floor.
Was that how it was at Castle McIver in the old days? No system of rotation so everyone got some sofa action? No chance to sit on the armchairs even when there were fewer than six people in the room and sitting down? Hard times.
Yes, in the old days. Plus when you’re making toast on an electric fire, you have to sit next to it to make sure it doesn’t burn. Also you’re closer to the screen to see whatever blocky video game you’re playing. That was my childhood *single tear of nostalgia*
I’m picturing what you described, but I’m picturing it with tiny squares of kitchen roll falling all around you like confetti.
It’s such a beautiful image it needs to go on an inspiration poster with your sister’s poem over the top.
Here you go:
That’s perfect. Yes. I am moved, almost to tears, but not quite.