Dear Beans… But Is It A Good Invention?

Dear Beans,

I have been facing a big question for some time now, or at least what I consider to be a big question. It’s been playing at the back of mind on an extended loop for as long as I can remember and even after a long day of whistle pops and candy whistles I lie in bed at night, eyes wide open, pondering how to answer my own query.

In an attempt to bring the matter to a close I asked an endless supply of friends, close friends, family friends, work colleagues and hermits the same thing. The results were inconclusive as far as I’m concerned so I now turn to you in this, my darkest hour.

Is it… is it a good invention?

Why should I feel the need to question myself now? I’ve been an inventor for the best part of twenty years and it is only now that something is so amiss that I cannot decide if it is or is not.

The invention in particular is something I’ve been tinkering with for a couple of months and only recently put into practise. It’s a new style of shoe that is somewhere between the relaxed yet trendy Converse Hi Tops and the relaxed yet trendy debonair of the classic Vans. If you really had to boil it down to the most basic of ideas, however, I would have to describe it as having glued some Quavers to the sides of my trainers.

As you can tell, they’re very understated yet ostentatious. At first I was convinced they were magic but now… there is a rumbling in my gut which isn’t the pork vestibules I had for lunch. Then it made me think that possibly my other recent inventions also weren’t good enough either.

Perhaps nobody needs a pocket antelope.
Perhaps the world isn’t quite ready for the under-trunk over-pants.
Maybe odour eater foot injections are ahead of their time.

What do you think? Is it or are they good inventions?

Yours fluently

HAMM .BSc

Chimneys

It’s one of the big unsolved questions of the 1990s. What’s she going to look like with a chimney on her? The Tamperer featuring Maya plaintively asked this question over and over again in their number one hit “Feel It” but to no avail. Nobody could answer the question.

Fortunately, the dark days of the 90s are behind us and modern science can finally offer an answer to this seemingly impossible conundrum.

Newsboost – Showbiz Rumor Mill

Over in that there showbiz land, rumors are floating about that Legendary music producer Nizzle has been in pre-production meetings with none other than PB’s own Smidge Manly.

Nobody is really sure what the secret project could turn out to be, but the pair collaborating on an album would seem to be the likely outcome.

Showbiz land reporting scumbag Barney Gristle, recently found a discarded USB stick when he tripped and fell gloved hands first into Nizzle’s trash can. He claims contains early drafts of the pairs’ work. Newsboost has a secured a world wide exclusive reveal of a clip, right here:

I think we can all agree that this is truly exciting news.

Up Close and Personal

Following the recent startling relevation that former news reader Nicholas Witchell is a decent guy who will allow himself to be winched into a sewer to check on the wellbeing of a former 80’s puppet celebrity, it was also revealed the unique complexities of his complexion.

Nicholas Witchell’s face contains smaller versions of his face, and on each of those faces is another collection of faces.

It has not been checked thoroughly but scientists have theorised that the “face phenomena” could go on forever. It could easily rival the ever-expanding universe as the thing that nobody can really comprehend fully because if you did you might hide in a yurt and eat tv guides due to the fact that you’d lost you mind.

It’s dangerous out there.

Lemon Doberman

Do you want a dog?

Really? Do you really, really want a dog? Of course you do you’re a human being, and a human being can’t be a being without a doing. As in you cannot spell the word ‘doing’ without the word ‘dog’.

Hi, I’m Blemish Tuneraft and I’m owner and founder of Lemon Doberman. Lemon Doberman is exactly what you think it is. And it does. We breed and produce dobermans that smell of lemons in a pure and natural way. You may think that science has stuck its big, ugly, man-shaped oars into our processes however it just isn’t true. Everything about our lemony dobermans is legitimate. We have a proven track record.

It isn’t as if we found that the smell of dogs was unpleasant. Not in the slightest. In fact, we are attempting to rustle up some dog-scented aftershave for the first quarter of 2017. No, what we set out to do at Lemon Doberman was to improve on an already well-established and much-loved sanctuary.

Everyone loves a doberman.
Everyone loves the smell of lemons.
Why not combine the two?

The feedback we’ve received has been phenomenal so far. We are looking to send our sweet-smelling doggies into the furthest reaches of the UK and possibly even abroad. If all goes well then who knows? We are hoping that if our rate of success continues to increase at an exponential rate then it will only be a matter of time before Belgian Chocolate Mastiffs and Lavender German Shepherds are available to the general public.

If you’ve got a big heart, a large house and a desire for citrus fruits then you know what you need is a Lemon Doberman.

Trekkin’ Abroad – Italy

I have arrived in Italy, land of many very ancient histories, of pasta, of scooters, and of Europe’s most cheerfully remembered fascist dictatorship.

My surroundings here are extremely pleasant but I have to admit to being a little bit disappointed by the food in what is supposed to be the home of one of the world’s most popular cuisines.

It turns out that all food here comes from a shop called Gonad. I have to say that I am not altogether comfortable eating anything that has come out of a Gonad.

If that makes me narrow minded then so be it. If that makes me seem closed to the wider world and the glorious differences between our nations and our cultures then that is fine. I am simply not happy here knowing that every sip of juice is Gonad juice and every mouthful of tender, juicy meat is Gonad meat.

Soul Stop

This morning I went to an establishment called the Soul Stop Café.

I ate breakfast there and had a cup of coffee and then, enjoying the ambience, I stayed a while longer to drink some tea.

It was only after leaving that I realised the terrible threat in the café’s name. Presumably, as a result of visiting and consuming their food and drink, which must have been treated in some way, my soul is going to stop.

If there is anyone here with a medical background, I urgently need to know what will happen when my soul stops and whether it’s possible to restart it. I am pretty worried here and I’m not sure if I should call an ambulance, so please respond as soon as you can. Thanks.

Meter readings

Things are busy because I’m moving house. The last few weeks have been really busy and I don’t have much time for a lot of the things I’m supposed to do. I’m meant to make four posts a month to the Beans, of course, but that’s been hard to do this month. And then there’s all the house move things to sort out as well, like arranging council tax and getting rid of the boxes new furniture came in and dealing with the gas and electric suppliers.

Luckily, today I had a brainwave: what I need to do is combine things to get through my to-do list faster.

That’s why I am using this Beans post to notify British Gas of my meter readings. If you are British Gas, the information you require is as follows:

Gas: 10857 29
Electric: 29080 3

If you are not British Gas, I hope you enjoyed reading this important information all the same. Thank you.