Jamiroquai is a band. Jamiroquai is fronted by the singer Jay Kay; we all know this. But do you know what Jamiroquai is not? This revolutionary series sets out to reliably inform the world all of the things that Jamiroquai is not.
57. A Swift
Jamiroquai is not a swift. However you look at it, whichever angle you come at this from and no matter how bad you squint your eyes Jamiroquai is not a swift. You could certainly draw a beak and wings on the band members. Heck, the lead singer has a name that actually is a bird. But is Jamiroquai a swift? No, not in the slightest.
Tests carried out on various members of the public also confirm almost conclusively that the residents of Tumbridge Wells do not consider Jamiroquai to be a swift. The local newspaper has never run any articles about the bird-like nature of any member of the band. None of the benches in the city centre have any graffiti whatsoever that has any connection to ornithology or the British funk/acid jazz group.
I’ve never met anyone who has ever mentioned in passing about Jamiroquai pertaining to be anything else other than a band who have sold in excess of 40 million albums worldwide. There are no pictures of swifts in the RSPB drawn by children that are called Jamiroquai or have been sketched by anyone called Jamiroquai.
Little Richard never sang a song about how alike the high aerial birds are to the MTV and Grammy award-winning group. Ross Kemp has never been in a documentary detailing the comparisons between the two.
In short, I think it’s fair to say that out of all the things that Jamiroquai could be, they are not a swift.
Today I did a kind of cleaning I’ve never done before: I cleaned the keys of my computer keyboard. Not where crumbs have landed in between them – the keys themselves. Some of them were dirty, you see, with a sort of browny-grey film on them. The keys I use all the time were white, the ones I use occasionally had a white middle and dirty edges, and the ones I never use were just dirty all over.
It’s annoyed me for a while but today I hit on the solution. I took a rubber to the keyboard and rubbed out all the dirt. Now it’s sparkling clean and all the keys are white. But while I was erasing the filth, it occurred to me that in its dirty state I effectively had a keyboard-sized infographic showing which keys I use and which I don’t. For some reason, the square brackets were completely filthy, even though I’m sure I use them sometimes, while the weird § key had a clean spot, even though I can’t remember ever having used it before typing this sentence. Comma was dirtier than full stop. Q was cleaner than Z.
Even weirder, the numbers got gradually dirtier from left to right, so 1 was clean while 9 was pretty mucky.
It’s nice to have a clean keyboard again but I feel like I’ve lost a historical record of the letters I type and the keys I don’t need. A little bit of history wiped away.
Over the years, our various Film Production Companies – Constantly Falling Productions, Al and Chris Productions, Chris Productions and the world famous Pouring Beans Productions – have turned out one classic movie hit after another. But talk amongst fans often turns to the story, told in hushed tones around camp fires late at night, that there is another film that was made but never released because Al lost it.
Well, those stories are true, and what’s more, Al has found the missing film under a selection of gentlemen’s art pamphlets in his attic. For the first time in a decade, Al n Chris’s Big Day Out has been unearthed. It’s a thrilling story of teleportation, time travel and evil twins.
Obviously I can’t post it here ahead of its Leicester Square premiere, but I have chosen a short clip from the pre-titles part of the film that shows what an incredible find it really is. In the space of just 24 seconds, this clip contains brilliant acting, exciting CGI graphics, a powerful original musical score and some nudity. Enjoy!
Can it really be true? Is this what we have all been waiting for? Will it save mankind?
Well, thank you for asking. The answers to your enquiries are yes, yes and no, in that order. And if your next question is “I don’t remember asking these questions, what exactly are we talking about?” then the answer to that question is This Way Up episode 3!
If you don’t want to look at this page while you listen to it, you can always download it.
You two always say that I’m never on “the beans” and that I never write things for other people to read.
This is me proving that I do (occasionally) write things and that you two have done a reading of them. And just to prove that I’ve not just tossed off a quick missive in the vain hope of maybe achieving a bean, I’ve found you a picture of a squirrel with a beak.
Current trends in the world of wildlife are all over the gossip pages of the newspapers these days. The pandas taking selfies, the rhino that hosted the Grammy awards and the arctic foxes wearing Naomi Campbell’s skin as a luxurious wrap are all well known.
But what about the less famous creatures of the world? What are they doing? It turns out that many woodland creatures are developing a taste for human food. Italian is popular with many species, with dormice in some parts of England now surviving entirely on conchiglie al forno, tiramisu and Chianti.
And if you don’t believe me, here’s an owl in a Leeds branch of Costa Coffee.
I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking, “Straight out of Christmas there’s no way that he could have money to burn and even if he did there’s no way he’d be stupid enough to put it up on the Beans.” Well clearly you’ve never met me because I’m much more stupid than that.
Yes! The glorious pothole that is the Pointless Purchase section. Let’s take a peek at what has been taking up space in the cupboard:
And why we’re these a Pointless Purchase? Let’s go to our official mascot, Pointless Purchase Panda.
1. The main reason would be that these are all blu rays and he doesn’t own a blu ray player. Even if he wanted to watch them he couldn’t.
2. The second reason is that he already owns them all on dvd, so there was no need to buy them again.
3. To make matters worse he watched the aforementioned dvds a couple of days before making the purchase just to really make the whole thing even sillier.
Thank you, Pointless Purchase Panda. I suppose the icing on the cake would have been if they were blu rays from a different region but never mind. I think I’ve made my point.
I can hear Kev’s blood pressure rising as I type… A job well done!