Pointless Purchases of the last Six Months

I mean, come on now. There was no way that I could keep purchasing things that I couldn’t use nor needed in any particular way. This blatant frivolity had to stop at some point and that point is now.

That is until after this post. This will represent the last of the ‘Pointless Purchases’ posts because what with having a car now and being a proper human, I mean adult, I don’t have any spare money to be frittering away on unopened video games, no matter how much they’ll fetch in a couple of years time. It’s best to go out with a bang though; give ’em something to remember you with.

So here’s what you’ve been waiting for; amiibos. Nintendo’s controversial answer to Skylanders and Disney Infinity which would take too long to explain all the why’s and the how’s. I own 22 of them in total. All you need to know is the following:

1. In order to use the amiibos you need a Wii U, the successor to the highly successful Wii console. I don’t have one of these so they all remain in their boxes.

2. You can also use them on the updated versions of the 3DS handheld consoles. I do own one but it’s still sealed in its box.

3. Even if I tried to use them with the 3DS I couldn’t. They have been specifically designed to only be used by taking them out of their boxes, and I don’t want to do that because I think they look nice in their boxes.

Take a deep breath, take a bow and leave the stage. It’s all over now, baby blue.

I will miss my pointless purchases.

Progress report

Mr. Chang, the shady Chinese businessman financing Pouring Beans Productions’ new documentary film, has now seen a rough edit of “Railways with Smidge Manly” and discussed with me some changes that are still necessary.

Clearly the public are clamouring for the release of this important film, and any delay is going to be met with considerable impatience, so to help tide us over until it’s ready to go, here is a look inside the editing process. This is, in its entirety, the list of changes that I made, explaining Mr Chang’s instructions in full.

Wobbly –> red train pat etc. Vertically. + coming out of station at CP
–> –> –>
Platform-train tighter or clip inb. ? straight to speech on 2nd shot
Barry rustling – filter out?
Timetables – wind noise – change for station
Voiceover still not good (headphones)
Longer gap or music between good email and people we met.

I hope this sheds some light on the philosophical and ethical issues with which we are wrestling in trying to perfect our artistic vision.

My secret tragedy

I haven’t told you about this before, but it’s about time I did. When Kev visited a couple of weeks ago we ended up talking about it and my terrible sadness was impossible to disguise. I can’t live this lie any longer.

A while ago now, I was engaged to be married. We were so happy together, so perfect for each other. I couldn’t imagine anything could come between us. I was her man and she was my bear. (She was a grizzly bear, you see.) But on the day of our wedding, just minutes before the ceremony started, she left me, running away down the street in her bridal dress. I was distraught.

You may find this hard to believe, but thankfully Kev has stepped in and provided the following sketch of that fateful moment, so you don’t have to think very hard to imagine it. In those days, as you can see, I looked a bit like Jeremy Beadle, so all in all this is a chapter of my life I’d rather forget.

Unusual Superheroes: The Car Man

I have a mild infatuation with comics and Kevin’s favourite, the graphic novel, but I have to admit that I was completely bamboozled by the superhero commonly known as ‘Car Man’.

From what I can gather his special powers appear to consist of being handsome, oozing broodiness and the ability to seduce both men and women. He likes to walk around without a shirt on on hot summer days and stir up trouble. I expect he’s one of those troubled superheroes that keeps cropping up, with a tragic back story that is only hinted at rather than fully explained. That’s why he keeps dancing. Why does he keep dancing? He’s troubled. You see, it makes perfect sense.

His misfortunes continue when he struggles to hold his drink down, a bit like me after a pint and a half of cheeky dragon, and fails when trying to emulate his hero, Tyler Durden, from the popular book and film ‘Fight Club’ during his own fight club. The Car Man cannot live with himself knowing he sucks at the one thing that should ultimately prove him as the manliest man alive and thus gets shot by some bint on a staircase. In his final moments, the Car Man wishes he had better super powers because broodiness cannot stop a bullet. That’s why I always walk around with a pan lid strapped to my chest.

I don’t think that children will ever want to be the Car Man because he’s not fun like Spiderman or has gadgets like Batman. Ultimately he will struggle for mass appeal which is why you won’t see me with his confused, sweaty face on my lunchbox.

Sneaky peeky

Yes! It’s true: Smidge Manly, host of the hit TV show “Essex Highway”, will shortly return to our screens in an exciting new documentary, Railways with Smidge Manly.

In this new programme of as-yet unknown length, Smidge goes on a personal journey to discover the answers to questions he’s had since he was a child; questions like: what are railways? Who put them there? How do trains work? And can they feel love?

Here’s a sneaky peeky trailer.

(You can’t watch the Sneaky Peeky trailer any more because the sound was a bit rubbish and the actual film is now online. Why don’t you go watch the film instead?)

Best Fwends

Friendships are supposed to last a lifetime. Friendships are the glue that hold together the people you know and without them we’d all be strangers wearing sunglasses trying to buy scouring pads. Nobody would expect a friendship to last a mere 24 hours and yet for it to mean so much.

Juggy was more than a friend. In the short space of time that we spent together it was obvious that he was more than a jug too. Juggy transcended the norm and exceeded all expectations.

What started out as a clearing out exercise at Kevin’s house, where he was sifting some carpets and buffing the parapets when I arrived, quickly turned into one of the moments that stay with you forever. Juggy met me with a high five and shortly after were cruising down to Stockport, singing along to the mix CD Kev had made when he wasn’t milking the rafters.

Juggy loved to sing. Not only this but he encouraged us to join in. He was the life and soul of the party, and when we actually reached the party he also became the loul and sife of the party too. So it was with a heavy heart that, learning of someone’s need for a jug, I handed him over to serve a greater cause. It was clear that it was destiny that Juggy came with us in order to help another’s plight and without him that person would have had to go to Wilkinsons to buy one. It was too much. I only have this photo to remember him by but, my God, he was one hell of a guy.

Here’s to you, Juggy. Salute!

Been Shopping

After Kev and I wrote “biscuits” and “breakfast” as the first two items on our shopping list, it became clear that our entire shopping trip would be only for items beginning with B.

So we took our bags, browsed the bargains and bought a bounty.

Things we bought:

Biscuits
Breakfast
Buns
Beef
Burgers
Bananas
Bread
Beer
Bacon
Big tomato
Banoffee pie
Brown onion
Bow tie pasta
Bourneville

Things we listed but decided not to buy:

Bath oil
Biscotti
Bovril
Brut
Butternut squash
Brandy snaps
Bearnaise sauce
Bruschetta
Bassoon

It was, clearly, brilliant.

The end (probably) of #TapSaga

That’s it. It’s over. For now at least anyway.

If anyone ever suggests to you that changing the taps in the bathroom is a quick and easy way to ‘refresh’ your room, my advice is to punch them swiftly in the face.

Let me give you a summary of what has gone on so far in #TapSaga in abbreviated bullet list format: