Avatar Pet Peeves: Soap and Towel

We did an episode of A Breath of Fresh Beans a while back about pet peeves. You know, things that wind you up beyond all reason that other people probably don’t know or care about. In the podcast I think mine was to do with people putting those metal letters back to front in cast iron gates, and Phil at work tangling up all the phone cords.

Anyway, another one occurred to me the other day – one that’s annoyed me to an admittedly ridiculous degree for several years now – and I thought I’d share it here so that you can be certain exactly how skewed my priorities really are.

A few years back some of the toilets at work were refurbished. There’s now a big mirror above all the sinks, underneath which is concealed soap and paper towel dispensers. You know the sort of thing. To help you find all the hidden bathroom accessories there are little labels on the mirror to show you where they are.

Here’s what they look like.

There are only these two labels, and they each appear about three times across the width of the mirror. I mean, come on, you’ve spotted the first problem already, right? The “soap” one is in Helvetica and the “Towel” one is in Futura. Bloody hell, guys, you’re only making two labels, can you try to pick the same font for both of them?

Then there’s the word “Towel”. For some reason they’ve made the T and the L bold, but not the rest. Look at the thicker the stroke width on those letters compared to the others. Why would you do that?

It would surely be easier to get it right than to get it this wrong. When you open your graphic design software to make two grey circles with a word inside each, it would surely be easier to get the font the same across both of them, instead of three different fonts mixed up in two words. How do you even manage that level of ineptitude?

Anyway, I know you don’t care, and I know it doesn’t matter, but it absolutely boils my piss, and I thought you should know.

Avatar The best home owner job

We talk a lot about what it’s like owning a house. Kev has been renovating and expanding his vast property empire for many years now, of course, while I have been steadily improving our premises with the aid of a toolbox large enough to use as a double garage. Now that Ian has joined the home owner club we have been doing our best to gently and constructively guide him in his new duties.

But I sometimes think that all too often we discuss the downsides: the amount of maintenance work, the unexpected costs, the speed with which nature will reclaim your carefully tended garden as wilderness. So I thought it might be nice to talk about the good bits of owning a house, because some of the things an Englishman has to do to look after his castle are actually very satisfying.

I will open the bidding with pressure washing.

Pressure washing is brilliant.

I love my pressure washer, but for whatever reason I hadn’t taken it out for a spin for about 18 months. Then, the other day, we’d had a drain unblocked and the drainage gully running through the paving down the side of the house needed clearing of all the crap that had built up, so I got the Kärcher out of the garage and fired it up. And once it was out, that was me set for the afternoon. Everything got jet washed.

The best part was discovering that the paving stones around the front and side of the house actually have a colour, as pictured above. I spent a very happy hour effectively colouring them in.

Avatar Ian’s holiday snaps – #1

The best part of being on holiday is taking photos of things that people have zero interest in and then forcing them to look at them once you get home. It’s a legitimate way of being annoying because they instinctively want to know about your time away and you can show them through 10,000 photos of a camel.

Not that I’m on holiday with a camel. Far from it, me ‘n’ the V have been sunning it in Florida for almost two weeks. We’ve done a lot of walking, I’ve drank dozens of watered down sodas and eaten my way through many burgers, tasty barbecue ribs and steaks.

I thought it best to ease you into the holiday snaps with a couple of posts, tossed off in my quieter moments, showing all the excitement of Orlando.

First up is this one. This is a fantastic photo of me emerging from the 7/11 with my Frosty blue ice thing. It was a hot day and I needed some cool refreshment. To my delight, this only cost a dollar for some reason (it was advertised as costing more) so I had to capitalise on the moment. I was on my way to pick up lunch from Subway, a blinding buy one footlong and get another free offer which we used several times. That was a good day.

Avatar Newsboost – Improper perfume positioned for prosperity

Shock news from across the water as a new perfume is about to hit the market with a familiar smell that may turn your stomach.

Australian nose fondling magnate, Winter de Socket, will soon be releasing a fragrance that harnesses the essence of faeces in a move which has confounded critics and befuddled just about everyone else.

“It’s all about turning that notion on its head,” said de Socket at a recent promotional event, “the idea that something is bad. Oh, you can look at something and dismiss it as uncool, pathetic or sad then ten years later that same thing is the talk of the town. Trends change. People change. Why can’t the same thing happens with smells?”

The particular type of faeces chosen for the perfume is from our four legged friend, the cow. Surely the most well known of all poo types, next to our own of course. The fact that de Winter is releasing poo perfume is quite mad, the idea of paying £200.00 for a 200ml bottle surely bordering on insanity and yet since the pre-order window opened, the website has consistently been sold out. Who exactly is buying this guff?

We turned to fashionista Melandra Melody for an insight into this madness. “You have to understand he’s been pushing these kinds of boundaries for years,” she says, “so he knows exactly what he’s doing. You smell poop and you wince away in shame. What Winter smells is the future, what he can smell is fresh money and possibly a new conservatory the size of your house. I saw him waiting tables back in Melbourne and two years later he’s the genius who decided to bottle the smell of fresh hands. Harness the power of scent and you too could be as successful as him.”

What exactly can we expect from the future then? Is going to harness the power of sick and flog it to the rich and wealthy?

“That is a distinct possibility. Stranger things have happened. This is only the first perfume in his new line so your guess is as good as mine. Whatever it is though you can guarantee it will be a hit!”

Comforting words from a world most of us will never fully understand. Will his next perfume be earwax? That weird stuff you find in your belly button? Would you pay two hundred pounds to pour essence of cadaver over your body? If you’ve got deep enough pockets then you too could smell like a hobo for the right price.

You have my condolences.

Avatar Pump up the jam (in your face)

Do you like jams?

Do you like plums?

Do you like plummy jams? Then we’ve got the product for you!

‘KEV’S PLUM PRESERVE’ is a brand new treat that you and your family can enjoy all day, every day. We’ve taken the sweet, tempting taste of jam and slathered that (using a spoon) all over the best kind of fruit you can imagine, plums!

Spread it on parsnips, spread it on shepherd’s pie. Spread it on Bird’s Eye Potato Waffles, frozen pineapple chunks or a spicy and fragrant Nepalese Kukhurko Masu curry. You can even spread it on your hands.

Put a party on your tastebuds. Slam your plums on the table. Bring your miserable life to life with ‘KEV’S PLUM PRESERVE’!

(From Kev Inc., a subsidiary of Kevindo Menendez Food Conglomerate Holdings Plc).

Avatar ABOFB 36: Nip to the loo

Welcome to back to a breath of fresh beans, this week we’re just going to nip to the loo, don’t worry, not literally (we did that before we started recording).

Suggestions in this pod are:

  • Weird
  • Posh
  • Nosy
  • Espionagey

Avatar Mortgage statement

Massive Bankers Plc

Mortgage Centre
High Interest House
Cashola Park
Nottingham
NG1 8JU

Dear Mr. Marshall

ANNUAL MORTGAGE STATEMENT

ProductAbsolute Swizz Bankers Rate Fix v9
Mortgage Number1563786454
Property AddressForce It Up Your Richard
Hampshire
Near France

OVERVIEW OF YOUR MORTGAGE FOR THE PERIOD 23 JANUARY 2024 TO 23 JANUARY 2025

Opening balance£205,466.54
Repayment 23 January 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 February 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 March 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 April 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 May 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 June 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 July 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 August 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 September 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 October 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 November 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 December 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Interest charged£7208.44
On Time Repayment Fee£2101.03
BOE Interest Rate Above 3% Penalty£883.97
Monthly Direct Debit Fee£1783.88
Non-Dollar Transaction Surcharge£1326.10
Window Tax£604.14
Massive Bankers Plc Christmas Bonus£2000.00
Remaining balance£205,466.53

If you require help with your mortgage or making repayments, log in to our online banking portal using your customer number, account number, unique password, three letters of your passphrase and a weird plastic calculator thing. Our AI bots are waiting to help you but will never pass you on to a human being.

Yours sincerely,

Ava Pricey-Holme
Chief UK Mortgage Account Executive Officer

Avatar Kick out the jam (into your mouth)

Do you like plums?

Do you like jam?

Do you like jammy plums? Then we’ve got the product for you!

‘Kev’s Plums’ is a brand new treat that you and your family can enjoy all day, every day. We’ve taken the rich, tangy taste of plums and mapped that (using a computer) into the best kind of food you could ever have; jam!

Spread it on apples, spread it on potatoes, sponges, pizza and ice cream. You can even spread it on toast.

‘Kev’s Plums’ contains half the sugar you’d expect from other inferior james but with twice the taste. Experts agree with an overwhelming 96% on Rotten Tomatoes and 8.9 score on IMDB.

Bring life back to the party. Bring your life to life with ‘Kev’s Plums’!

(From Kev Inc., a subsiduary of the Kevindo Menendez food dynasty).