This is an appeal by me on behalf of me.
As you are all (?) probably aware of by now, I have moved into my own place and whilst this is the best thing that has happened to me for absolutely ages it has meant a bit of a wake up call. No longer are all the THINGS at my disposal that most people take for granted. Occasionally I go to look for something and remember that I don’t have it, or it’s on the list to be gotten in the near future.
Gradually, I am getting there but there is something quite shocking that I need to bring to your attention. I need spoons.
You may laugh however I am in dire straits. Kev’s wife’s mother (tenuous link at the best of times) only gave me 34 spoons when I first moved in. When I asked for more they looked at me and laughed, like a set of common goons. I pleaded, begged for anything else they could give me. When they told me no I excused myself and snuck through into the kitchen in the hope of pilfering some of theirs. The drawers were locked though; no more spoons for me.
When Emma visited the flat she bought me a couple of items for moving in, one of which was a cutlery set. This very lovely yet very basic package only had 4 teaspoons and 4 tablespoons. I told her it wasn’t enough, that more were needed and she looked at me as though I was a crazed hermit, picking up empty tins in the hope of finding money. When I ordered her to take a taxi to the nearest late-night spoon vendor she pretended to take a phone call and hurried away.
Daily deliveries of spoons are coming in. It’s not enough though, I need more. More than more. If there is a bigger value than more then that is what I need. I went door to door, asking for more, from my new neighbours. Most of them slammed the doors in my face. “No spoons today”, they announced before giving me a face full of wood. Shocking to say the least.
Please, if you have any measure of kindness in your bare bones, give me all the god damn spoons you have right now. In your pockets, in your drawers, at your parents’ house, I don’t care how you get them but hand or send them to me before I run out. Who knows what will happen when I’m left spoonless, a mere shell of a man eating cereal with a fork
20 comments on “Spoon Amnesty”
Have you tried washing up?
That sounds like the talk of someone who doesn’t want to send me spoons.
It does, doesn’t it.
In comparison to something tall, like a tree or a big shed, how high are your hopes that people will send you some spoons?
I’m counting on it. In fact if you don’t send me spoons then you’re missing a trick. Missing a treat? You’re missing out.
Think of all the nonsense you’ve had through the post from me over the years.
That’s true. You’ve sent me a lot of shite. The least I could do is dump some rusty cutlery on your doormat. (Wheeeeeeeeey! what?)
Yes, so send me some god damn spoons you ingrate. Think of all those spoons cluttering up your knife box. Don’t you wanna get rid of them?
I have a knife box?
Is this where you store your knives? Or is it a box in the shape of a knife?
I don’t know. I didn’t know I had one at all, let alone what it is, until your previous comment where you mentioned it. If anyone’s going to be explaining this mysterious artefact it’s you.
Oh yeah, I forgot I said it. You know I say so many things that I always seem to forget that it was me who said it. That’s so ironic (that’s not ironic).
You bought a box in the shape of a knife to store your spoons in to confuse burglars.
Are you the spoon burgler?
Did I? I’ve already expressed surprise at owning such a thing, so the idea that I might have actually bought it on purpose to fulfil a specific role seems a bit far fetched.
I’m not buying this. Just like I didn’t buy a knife box.
So he’s the one who’s been stealing my spoons? Is that true?
After everything we’ve been through, Chris, and now a spoon betrayal.
I just sent you some god damn spoons. Spoon betrayal? Pah. PAH.
You see me, right, I have eggs RIGHT all over my face. I’m covered in eggs in all shapes and sizes, both cooked and raw. I’ve got scrambled egg for hair, fried eggs for eyes and a boiled one for my conk.
Are these your egg eyes? Your eyes are getting very specialised these days. I remember when you just had eyes for looking, squinting and gawping.
That reminds me, I definitely need to do a new face update soon. My face is out of control.
I can’t wait to see all the eyes you have now, neatly diagrammed and labelled.
The next thing you should do is to start taking eye requests. I could shout out some of my eye-deas and you could have them surgically attached to your feace.
Sure. Sling your eye-deas my way and I shall see if I can incorporate them into my viso volto.
Well, egg eyes are my first suggestion, and I’m following that with pie eyes. You should also consider lie eyes, to see if someone is telling the truth, and high eyes, on big antennae so you can see over walls.