Revitalised somewhat by the single slice of ham fed down the side of the hatch by Chris, abandoned by Ian and his selfish demands for ham, and fearing that I may be losing what slim grasp of reality I had left, I steeled myself and set off back into the bowels of the land behind the hatch…
I trekked for a day, back past the Bell Tower and into the former Great Hall, the whole time flanked by My Cockall and his band of merry idiots trying to sell me pointless, inexplicably edible household products at every opportunity. Frankly I’d had enough and was weak from a diet of tasty hasty paste, so set up camp in the Loosh Vestibule for the night, the band of idiots doing similar at the opposite side of the hall in the Uptight Antechamber.
The next morning I awoke early, jolted into life by the sound of the zorses mating in the formal gardens. Mr Cockall and his crew, must have been used to the sound of rutting zorses, and were all still asleep. Sensing my chance I slipped down the passageway hidden in the corner of the Great Hall that lead down to the under-croft.
After picking through the gloom by burning EFFY McJEEFY poems to light my way, I got a glimpse of light in the distance. Natural light. This couldn’t be right, the land behind the hatch was sealed up. I pushed on, my eyes squinting into the bright light. Then it hit me, it was the back door. The one we asked Ian to seal up whilst Chris and I installed the Character Hatch at the front entrance.
Not only was the back door open, but the key for the lock was on the INSIDE. The whimsical bastards have had free reign to pop in and out as they’ve seen fit. Luckily most of them seem to have been distracted by the lovemaking of the zorse population, but it explains the occasional appearance of Pete Doherty in popular culture over the last few years.
Needless to say I locked the door (from the outside) and caught the 163 bus back into town, casually chucking the key into a ditch along the way. Our world is safe for now, but who knows how many of them may have escaped.
11 comments on “The Back Door”
Well done, Kev. There will be no delicious ham for Ian AT ALL as a result of his negligence.
This reminds me just how much of the estate we gave up when we locked the Character Hatch (TM). I particularly miss strolling in the formal gardens. Does the fountain still work? The one in the shape of the three of us as centaurs?
Yeah, I miss the organ loft in the Great Hall the most. The view from up there was great at parties.
The fountain? Yeah it still works. You don’t want to know what the zorses have it pumping round though. Lets just say it matches the actions of Ian’s centaur perfectly.
That organ was something special too. It had the biggest flimflam key I’ve ever seen. I remember once I played a particularly loud concerto and we got complaints from the website next door.
This reminds me of a short story by H.P. Lovecraft crossed with an episode of ‘Cheers’.
You’ll have to be reminded of it while not eating ham.
Your comment reminds me of a very young Scooby Doo.
Nah, Scooby had ham.
Ian’s attempts to free Kev from the Character Hatch were the Scrappy Doo of this story. They were irritating, unhelpful and we could all have done just as well without them.
I open my mouth to that *opens his mouth*
That’s one open mouth that won’t have any ham inserted into it any time soon.
I close my mouth to that *closes mouth*