User avatarWilmot in the Wild

The time is here. The time is now.

Look at the time. Now we’re late. What were you thinking?

As we have pirouetted into both a new year and a new decade we need to address a massive problem that has been in plain sight all this time and nobody has bothered to address. Luckily I have the brass cohonies to step up to the plate and plok that sucker right out of the park (what?) unlike everyone else.

Chris’ personal hero and best friend, Gary Wilmot, hasn’t been seen much recently. In fact the last time I saw him anywhere was around 2010 when he was playing the role of ‘guy in a tuxedo’ in some production of Chicago. You know, because he can sing and dance, and everyone loves him as a showman and all round entertainer? I expect his plate is full of meaty morsels however I want to bring him back to where Wilmers really shines and that’s on the television.

Here’s my idea – ‘Wilmot in the Wild’. It’s a light entertainment show, perfect for the 6:00pm to 8:00pm Saturday evening slot. Each week a series of contestants, those lucky members of the general public, are given some clues as to the whereabouts of where Gary Wilmot is hiding. They follow the clues to more clues and it’s a gigantic treasure hunt where Wilmers is the pot of gold waiting at the end. The first contestants to find him win a luxury hamper and get to perform a duet with Gary, on stage, at the local karaoke bar. We move around to a different city each week so we can really take in the sights up and down the country. The hampers can offer various local produce. I can even get some of my meat balls in there to really seal the deal in a wigwam.

Wilmers will, as a bonus, secretly stalk the contestants as they look for him with a view to offering a post-modern take on the gameshow format. He will also interview passers-by, usually dressed in a hilarious disguise, so nobody knows who he is.

This cannot fail. With the right financial backing I know that I can get this project up and running in time for the Autumn schedule. Start sending your money right now, please!

18 comments to Wilmot in the Wild

  • Don’t you think a show like this would work better with someone people have heard of? I don’t think plucking a complete unknown – who may, for all I know, not exist at all – will five a personality-based show enough pulling power to pick up a big audience.

  • Ian

    But we know that Wilmot is a household name. He’s in five facts in your calendar, it’s a thing.

    Also, regardless of what time has done to the Wilmot legacy, he will five any personality-based show you throw his way.

  • Kev

    As much as I like the format, I have to agree with Chris that he probably isnt a household name any more. We needs someone else who can five the personality-based show with a bit more of a … personality.

  • He’s in six facts in the calendar, actually, but that’s beside the point. I have literally never heard of him.

  • Ian

    Would Smidge want to give it a go? He’s got the personality.

  • Kev

    You know Smidge, it’d have to pay well for him to want to get the train down from Barnsley.

  • I think I’d like to clarify the premise of this show, if that’s OK. So Smidge Manly (assuming he agrees to take part; I’m not bothering to imagine this Gary Wilshire character doing it because I don’t know who he is) hides somewhere and a group of contestants have to search the country looking for him. You said he is the prize, but you also said the prize is a hamper, but whatever.

    Smidge is also, simultaneously, secretly stalking all the contestants, watching their every move, and also breaking cover to interview random members of the public. That means that he isn’t actually hiding wherever he’s supposedly hiding, and the contestants are searching for someone who is actually just behind them all the time.

    I mean… how does that work?

  • Ian

    … you’ve always hated me, haven’t you?

  • Kev

    Not you, no… Just most of what you say and do.

  • The thing is, if you’re going to come out with things that make absolutely no sense whatsoever, you need to be prepared for the possibility that people will sometimes point out that they make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

    Pipe Mesa.

  • Ian

    But it does make sense. It’s not all shot at the same time, the bits with the general public are done before the Smidge Hunt takes place. They are then interspersed with the Smidge Hunt for an added sprinkle of light entertainment.

    Pipe Mesa.

  • Ian

    Also, touche for the Pipe Mesa.

  • Kev

    How can Smidge film himself hunting the people who are actively looking for him… later?

    (What the shit is Pipe Mesa?)

    Pipe Mesa.

  • Ian

    It’s an expression. You say Pipe Mesa when you want to say something and you don’t know what to say.

  • Kev

    Stop avoiding my actual question by answering my brackety question, you cad!

  • Pipe Mesa is a thing Ian sometimes texts me, usually followed by a lascivious emoji. I don’t know what its purpose normally is, but I’m fairly sure that its purpose right now is that he’s using it to avoid your question.

  • Ian

    I explained the premise of the TV program to Kev on Saturday night and not only did he FULLY understand how to film it he also agreed to fund 73% of it.

    Pipe Mesa is what Pipe Mesa is, and nothing more.

  • It’s like David Bellamy used to say: “pipe mesa is as pipe mesa does”.

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