ABOFB 38: Depressing FoodEy up Beans fans, we’re back again, right on time, like Black Box but spelled right. This time Chris asks us about the most depressing foods we’ve eaten, we discuss…
Four Word Reviews: Dive InI thought it was finally over. The terrible CDs had finally run out, and if you’ve been paying attention you’ll have seen that it’s been a full year since we last paid a visit to the Four Word Review Auditorium. But no, it seems my luck ran out a little while ago when a jiffy bag dropped through the letterbox containing Dive In, the 2002 debut album from Popstars and Pop Idol star/idol Darius. Oh dear. Brace yourself, then: we’re going back in.
The *what* spray!?Having a stroll through the middle of Lidl, like any good 40 year old man does, I came across some sprays.
Nothing too remarkable about that. These ones were a set of liquids intended to be aerosolled into various bits of a car engine…
Engine Starter Spray: Fair enough. I’ve never needed such a thing, but I can understand why it exists.
V-Belt Spray: Again, I’ve never needed such stuff but its existence makes sense to me.
Anti-??? Spray: It protects your leads and cables, apparently you need to do this. It has “Excellent adhesion” and “Lasting protection”. But from what?
Competitions seem to be all the rage on the Beans lately, so what do you think? What common engine based malaise is this spray protecting from?
Last minute rush“… so nobody eat the mushroom cake because you could come out in a rash.
Moving onto our last race of the month, we see the “young” McIver slapping together whatever nonsense that could constitute as a post in order to fill his quota of four. It’ll probably have numerous spelling errors, make very little sense and be as disposable as any film created and released by Netflix.
Chris “Consider Me” Marshall, once the dark horse of the beans collective, now demoted to digging holes in his back garden and filling them with water just to get some attention. It’s a shameful practice and hopefully one that will eventually peter out because what the crowds want is more bathroom art and weird things he sees on the train to work posts. They ALWAYS go down a storm.
We finish, if you can call it a finish due to the unpredictable nature of the man, with the scant offerings of Kevin “Podcast pirate” Hill. Will he slide in with another podcast shortly before the end whistle? Will he be too tired to edit and post one? Does he have enough thumbs for the process after whittling so many wooden spoons? Only time will tell.
It’s going to be a scrabble however you look at it. Still we should all be grateful that these titans of men, these pillars of hope keep generating enough content to fill a website. Where others have fallen, they continue to get back up. I know I never get sick of reading it.
Anyway, onto Purdy’s prediction corner!”
Job applicationDearly beloved,
While we all feel deep sorrow in the Holy Father’s passing, the time is now right for me to throw my hat into the ring and offer the benefit of my expertise for the betterment of mankind. I am officially applying to be the next Pope.
At this stage, I acknowledge that I am something of an outside candidate. But I believe that I’m able to offer a unique package that is sure to turn heads in the upcoming Papal Conclave.
In light of all the above I would be delighted to be considered for the role of Pope. My message to the College of Cardinals is simple: consider me!
Clompetition time (again again)We’re back again to bother you with the possibility of having that briefest glimpse of hope of winning. Winning something? No, no, merely winning. You can’t put a price on that.
Today’s sponsor is Bluebocado, the fruit that never gives up. If you want the taste of blueberries with the hearty goodness of avocados then you need to get some Bluebocado in your life.
What sell by date did this attractive jar of marmalade have?
Easter EggcessYou probably know that, once Easter Sunday is gone, the supermarkets want to ditch their remaining Easter eggs and clear the shelves for something else.
Anyway, it turns out that if you’re a grown up you can do what you want, so on Monday we bought all this.
Then, on Tuesday, we came home to find that each of us had bought some more without mentioning it to the other. So now we have everything you see above, plus three more of the biggest Easter eggs, six more smaller ones, another 16 Creme Eggs, some sort of Creme Egg chocolate bar, quite a lot of Reese’s Eggs, numerous Cadbury’s Caramel eggs and two Toblerone products called Edgy Eggs.
We are now faced with a storage problem that, somehow, neither of us had foreseen.
Anyway, don’t worry too much, we’ll sort it out one way or another.
Newsboost – A Smidge too farFollowing on from last month’s report on the super trooper mega fruit, celebrity endorsements have been swooping in like magpies at a pirate’s birthday party.
People have been queuing around the block to try to get their greasy hands on the Bluebocado, the latest food to tantalise the taste buds of those lucky enough to find some. Our report in March highlighted the claims made by the manufacturer whilst also questioning the positive aspects that the scientists were pushing so hard into the public’s consciousness. It would seem as though those doubts were somewhat unfounded as people have been raving about the Bluebocado all over social media and in those groups of people you still see in offices huddled around water and coffee machines:
“Sensational!” wrote someone.
“A taste sensation,” wrote another.
“Has anyone called it ‘sensational’ yet?” queried my landlord.
We managed to secure a small punnet last week and after carving them into tiny morsels and putting them on cocktail sticks (still rocking the 1970’s here over at Newsboost towers) we can confirm that the Bluebocado tastes as good as the world is declaring.
As previously mentioned, celebrities have been lining up to offer their thanks, their praise and their time to continue the good word. Sting has decided to write an entire double album about the super fruit on his lute. Timothee Chalamet was pictured leaving a nightclub in Soho in the wee small hours with a pack under his leather jacket. Zendaya turned up at LAX with a megaphone to proclaim that the Bluebocado was the best thing to happen to her since teeth. What really surprised the world though was when the unlikeliest of candidates stepped up.
Walking almanac anorak of questions, Smidge Manley, held a press conference in his back garden earlier this week to announce that he would be the face of the Bluebocado. He claimed to have signed a lucrative contract with the owners for full exposure.
“I’ve decided not to run in the local by-election anymore because my heart lies with the delicate taste of the Bluebocado. You’ll soon see my face promoting it here, there and even everywhere. You may even get tired of seeing my face, at which point they’ll turn me into a cartoon raven or a bee, like they did with that dog insurance guy. Bernard? Thatcher? One of them. I’ll be him, but for fruit.”
An interesting turn of events by all accounts.