Good boyHave you been a good boy? There’s one sure-fire way to find out.
I’m sure you know this, but all we have to do is look underneath the priority seating in coach 4 of the 21.53 South Western Railway service from Guildford to Farnham.
Let’s have a look now.
Yes, there we are. So, have you been a good boy?
You have! Well done.
Can we be serious, please?I need you to all listen to me very carefully when I say this. I am deadly serious.
I need you to understand that there is a time for nonsense and there is also a time for being serious. I am the most serious I’ve ever been without crossing that line and turning into Serious Ian again (nobody wants that).
If we’re to start this new year fresh then you’re all going to have to give me enough time to eat my oranges.
I don’t want to hear your excuses. I don’t want you running into my house with whatever gibberish you need to tell me; it can wait. I need to take some time to eat my oranges.
Whatever you need to tell me, put a pin it in and try me the next day. Whatever job needs doing, you’re going to have to give me some extra time to get it finished. I’ve got oranges to eat and I won’t let anyone get in my way.
There. I’ve said it. Don’t get upset because I’m telling everyone the same thing. My oranges come first.
2026 State of the Beans AddressGood evening, and… can you hear me? Sorry, I thought I was muted. Good evening, and thank you for joining me via this video link. I am currently inside the crater of an active volcano and therefore unable to join you in person, but I trust that the pub function room is comfortable and that the buffet of assorted crisps and corn-based snack foods are going down well.
My name is His Holy Eminence The Right Honourable Lieutenant Colonel Professor Lord Sir Elbert Louche, QC (Retired), KBE (Retired, Reinstated), KVCO. It is my great pleasure to have the honour of presenting this, the twelfth annual State of the Beans Address.