1995 was an important year. It saw the release of Windows 95, which was the first occasion the Rolling Stones had ever endorsed a 32-bit operating system in a marketing stunt that wasn’t contrived at all. Goldeneye was released, which was the first movie in the James Bond franchise where the game was better than the actual film. And, of course, it was the year Suggs ran out of money and returned to the music business with the release of his debut solo album, The Lone Ranger.
Author: Chris5156
The problem with peas
Here’s a tragic story. Have a handkerchief handy to soak up your tears.
On Friday I got out my notepad and settled in to pay my fullest attention to Suggs’ 1995 masterpiece, The Lone Ranger. It will be the latest in my increasingly popular series of album reviews for the Beans.
Having made notes on each track, I packed up and set off towards North London to wait for Elena to finish work and so we could set off for the north. I’d be able to make tea and relax. I’d be able to write my album review. Everything would be great.
Unfortunately London had other plans for me. I can only assume that London actively wanted to prevent the world finding out my thoughts on the synth-reggae and two-tone cover versions offered by the former Madness frontman’s mid-nineties cash-in comeback, because it did everything it could to stop me writing that important and informative blog post. My fourteen mile journey took me three hours in the end, leaving me no time for tea, no time for careful musical contemplation and no time to share my thoughts with the world. I also had no time for lunch.
There are several tragic results from this appalling debacle.
- You will have to wait until later this month to read my review, which should have been posted in April.
- My next two album reviews will have to be delayed by an extra month, which means no Sade until June and no Shaggy until July.
- I only made three posts in April which means I broke my long run of consistent four-posts-a-monthing which had run since December 2014 and scored a nasty horrible dried pea on the bean counter which makes me VERY VERY ANGRY INDEED GAAAAAAAHHHHH.
In short: bad traffic makes for very bad apples.
Next time I’ll take the tube.
Things! Ep. 4 – Petrol Pockets
Around the world, every single day, remarkable people are creating remarkable new things, making their ideas and innovations a reality. And since the start of 2016, Pouring Beans Productions has been sending its reporters out to meet some of those people and catch a glimpse of the exciting inventions that are in development.
In this episode of Things!, Dougie McLaughten meets a man from Banbury who hopes to revolutionise the way we buy petrol and other inflammable spirits.
Christening: Order of Service
The Christening of
Changlet Christopher Ian Paul McIver Hill
led by the Archbishop of York, Dr John Sentamu
Order of Service
York Minster, Deangate, York, YO8 7HH – Monday 18 April 2016
Hymn: O Lord You Are Definitely Real And We Believe In You
The Archbishop of York to read from the Book of Revelations, chapter 12 verse 18, “The Unwavering Faith of the Hills”
Hymn: Let This Child Be Raised Unto God
oOo
Bible reading by the father of the child, Mr Chang, from the Book of Lego, chapter 8 verse 66, “Silence Thee Atheist Scum, for Jesus is my Wingman”
Deployment of Changlet into the font for the Solemn Holy Dunking
Hymn: Take Thee This Freshly Moistened Child And Send Him To Sunday School
Sermon by the Archbishop of York: the tribulations of St. Menendez The Faithful in the Replacement of the Taps
oOo
Prayer, led by Changlet himself, who has been provided with a text-to-speech system and a loudspeaker.
Changlet: We Need Three
Congregation: We Are Three
All: Amen
Hymn: I Just Got My Scout Badge For Praying Lots
Organ recital of Handel’s “Heretic Waltz” as congregation departs
oOo
Sausage rolls and Vimto will be served in the Pig and Whistle function room from 15:00.
Turning back the clock
This week I’ve left behind the glamorous world I have occupied for the last year and returned to my old job. Those of you with long memories will recall that it principally involves pushing buttons when foreign people point at me.
There have been several effects as a result of this change.
I find myself catapulted back into a life I last inhabited in January 2015. We all remember that month and everything that happened in it. For me, Uptown Funk is still at the top of the charts and Lithuania has only just adopted the Euro. I won’t actually buy the blue and green striped jumper I’m currently wearing for another ten months. I am living in the past.
I am left with a sense of malaise, which comes from the feeling that my career is moving backwards and not forward, and from the changes that have happened to my old job in my absence. I am also getting re-acquainted with many of my old colleagues which involves talking to people. I don’t like talking to people.
Others have been affected too. My beloved Crab Mug, once the darling of a major broadcaster’s master control room, has returned to my flat, where it feels deflated and redundant, but conversely my white coffee cup (ceramic with silicone lid and grip, in a design that makes it look like a disposable cup from a coffee shop) has been liberated from my locker, which had been shut for the last 14 months, and is enjoying something of a renaissance.
This has been a difficult transition for me, one whose effects will be felt through my life, like aftershocks from some sort of career-based earthquake, for months to come. Some of the results are positive and others are negative.
But one thing is for sure. Everyone I know will have to put up with me complaining about it for the forseeable future, and in that sense, they may be the real losers here.
Things Euston Square Station is not, No. 71: a badger
If you’ve been keeping up with the news lately, you’ll have seen that (despite the previous 70 episodes in this informative series) there is still huge uncertainty among the British public about whether Euston Square Station is or is not certain things.
We have, of course, ruled out a range of things that Euston Square Station might have been in previous episodes, including a tray of condiments and relishes, Weston-Super-Mare, a pencil sharpener and a slightly aggravated North American Peregrine Falcon. But one question continues to vex the nation: is Euston Square Station a badger?
Thankfully, we are able to put this question to rest once and for all. A visit to the station itself, and close inspection of the station sign, reveals the answer.
Euston Square Station is not a badger.
If you’re unsure whether or not Euston Square Station is or is not something, you can write to this address for a factsheet:
Things Euston Square Station Is Not
Room 4000
PBP Television Centre
Pouring Beans
The Internet
Things! Ep. 3 – Omnibox
Sometimes it takes a single person of extraordinary vision to show the world what it has been lacking, and in a single moment, change everything. Sometimes that unique talent is a leader, who brings peace and harmony to a divided people; sometimes it is a businessman who can build a global corporation based on benevolence and the improvement of human lives.
Sometimes it’s a man called Henry from Oxfordshire who has invented a box that can do, literally, everything.
In the third episode of Things!, Alan Rudge meets that man and his amazing box.
Security
These are dangerous times. Terrorism is literally everywhere. Just yesterday I had to take the bins out when the bin bags were only half full because they had terrorists hiding in them. Last Thursday, I went back to a tub of half-eaten strawberry yogurt in the fridge and found that terrorists had eaten the rest of it.
To the untrained eye, everything is normal here in the safe, fairytale world of The Beans. Posts keep appearing, obscure in-jokes keep being mentioned, and everything seems normal.
But everything is not normal.
If you look closely at the most recent comments, you’ll see a theme. You’ll see that they are all by me and Ian. Why? Where is Kev?
The only sensible conclusion is that Kev’s login details have been hacked by terrorists and are now being used to terrorise innocent people. It’s possible that Kev himself has now been infiltrated, and is being used to spread fear and terror. Who knows – it might have been Kev who broke into my fridge and ate my yogurt. I think it probably was. The bastard.
This must stop, and I propose a two-step plan.
The first step is that we must improve our security systems, and for this reason both Ian and myself are being issued with black briefcases containing complicated equipment and wires and flashing LED displays with numbers on them. These form part of a new high-security login system to make sure that our login details are never compromised by the forces of terror, and also look really cool like we’re in a film.
The second step is that we will destroy Kev in a controlled explosion in a field near Bracknell this Friday afternoon. I know this will not be popular, particularly with Kev himself, but I think he would have to agree that it is for the good of the nation.
All those in favour, please raise your hand in the comments section.