This Way Up: episode 4(Two posts in two days! Who does this guy think he is?)
Series 2 of This Way Up is on its way and Pouring Beans is proud to present you with the next episode of Britain’s most innovative radio sketch show, featuring the Sean Connery Accent Watch and slightly more cranial inflation than is technically permitted by Ofcom.
And if you wish to keep hold of this episode to treasure it forever, we suggest you download it.
A game of cardsThere’s been a lot of talk around here lately. Lots of people saying things. I suppose that’s how these blogs tend to work, but I think it might be time for something different. So, just for a change, let’s have a game of cards.
We all get seven cards. Aces are high. Jokers are wild. Queens are saucy.
I will begin by playing the seven of clubs.
Your move.
A History of WestpointWhen we moved into our new flat, we were moving into one of several blocks of privately-owned flats set in landscaped grounds, which are all inside a gated compound. At the time we thought there was nothing special about it – until the Westpoint Resident Management Association Steering Committee posted a welcome pack through our front door. The welcome pack told us what day the bins were collected and some other practical information, but by far the most useful thing was the history of the flats.
So that we can all share in this learning experience, here is the history of the building in which I now live inside there.
A 60-metre layer of impermeable Gault clay is deposited on earlier Paeleozoic rocks, forming the geological basis of the ground on which Shortlands now stands. It is this clay that continues to support Westpoint today and stops it being some 60 metres closer to the centre of the earth.
Ethelbert, the king of Kent, grants land for a new manor to be called Bromleag. The manor becomes a prosperous market town over the following centuries, known as Bromley.
Shortlands railway station is opened on the new railway line to Bromley. It is not called Shortlands yet and there are no houses nearby for it to serve. Nobody knows why a railway station was built here.
Local building company Arkwright Masonry Erectors Ltd. purchase three handsome Victorian villas in extensive gardens and with fetching period detailing, and demolish them in order to build three big box-shaped blocks of flats and a car park.
Arkwright Masonry Erectors Ltd. go bust when the owner is sued by his own daughter for embezzling company funds to construct a large fiberglass model of the Coliseum encasing her house. The residents of Westpoint buy out the freehold on the site and begin a new era in which there are no grown ups to tell them what to do. The Westpoint Resident Management Association Steering Committee is established as a not-for-profit commercial community joint enterprise partnership.
The front doors to all buildings at Westpoint are carefully sanded down and coated with a slightly darker shade of varnish than before.
Benches are installed in the grounds so that residents can sit outdoors at an uncomfortable slope and in close proximity to parked cars or the bins.
Chris finds himself getting on a train at Shortlands with Chris Addison, stand-up comedian and star of The Thick of It, who apparently lives nearby and sometimes gets a train from the same station as Chris at about 9am.
A desperate pleaIt has now been many months since we last saw The Book, and understandably all those of us who care deeply about it are becoming concerned for its safety.
Today, Pouring Beans launches a major publicity campaign to alert the British public to the plight of The Book in the hope of seeing it safely returned home. We are now less than ten pages from the end and with a concerted effort the whole damn thing could be finished and out of our lives by Christmas. Isn’t that something we all want to see?
If you have any information about the whereabouts of The Book, or if you can disclose the identity of the person who is currently detaining it, call the Beans Helpline on 0800-HURRY-UP-KEV.
ChimneysIt’s one of the big unsolved questions of the 1990s. What’s she going to look like with a chimney on her? The Tamperer featuring Maya plaintively asked this question over and over again in their number one hit “Feel It” but to no avail. Nobody could answer the question.
Fortunately, the dark days of the 90s are behind us and modern science can finally offer an answer to this seemingly impossible conundrum.
Trekkin’ Abroad – ItalyI have arrived in Italy, land of many very ancient histories, of pasta, of scooters, and of Europe’s most cheerfully remembered fascist dictatorship.
My surroundings here are extremely pleasant but I have to admit to being a little bit disappointed by the food in what is supposed to be the home of one of the world’s most popular cuisines.
It turns out that all food here comes from a shop called Gonad. I have to say that I am not altogether comfortable eating anything that has come out of a Gonad.
If that makes me narrow minded then so be it. If that makes me seem closed to the wider world and the glorious differences between our nations and our cultures then that is fine. I am simply not happy here knowing that every sip of juice is Gonad juice and every mouthful of tender, juicy meat is Gonad meat.
Soul StopThis morning I went to an establishment called the Soul Stop Café.
I ate breakfast there and had a cup of coffee and then, enjoying the ambience, I stayed a while longer to drink some tea.
It was only after leaving that I realised the terrible threat in the café’s name. Presumably, as a result of visiting and consuming their food and drink, which must have been treated in some way, my soul is going to stop.
If there is anyone here with a medical background, I urgently need to know what will happen when my soul stops and whether it’s possible to restart it. I am pretty worried here and I’m not sure if I should call an ambulance, so please respond as soon as you can. Thanks.
Meter readingsThings are busy because I’m moving house. The last few weeks have been really busy and I don’t have much time for a lot of the things I’m supposed to do. I’m meant to make four posts a month to the Beans, of course, but that’s been hard to do this month. And then there’s all the house move things to sort out as well, like arranging council tax and getting rid of the boxes new furniture came in and dealing with the gas and electric suppliers.
Luckily, today I had a brainwave: what I need to do is combine things to get through my to-do list faster.
That’s why I am using this Beans post to notify British Gas of my meter readings. If you are British Gas, the information you require is as follows:
Gas: 10857 29
Electric: 29080 3
If you are not British Gas, I hope you enjoyed reading this important information all the same. Thank you.