Weather forecast

It’s another scorcher of a day out there, and the hot weather shows no sign of ending.

To find out what’s in store for the next week, here’s the current Pouring Beans Long Range Weather Forecast, sponsored by Frank Fuckle’s Travelling Circus.

	29°	Thursday 21 July Heatwave continues. Some cloud cover in places will give way to bright, piercing sunshine. A gentle breeze will just about keep the heat off. You will be sweaty enough to need a cool shower when you get home in the evening. The hottest day of the year so far.
	32°	Friday 22 July Heatwave continues. There will still be some clouds but not enough to actually keep the sun off. The gentle breeze is no longer refreshing and will just move the clouds out of the way. The Met Office has issued an amber warning against sitting on leather furniture. The hottest day of the year so far.
	36°	Saturday 23 July Heatwave continues. There are no clouds now, just the burning sun everywhere you look. There will still be a gentle breeze, but the breeze will now be hot, like the air that comes out when you open the oven. You will have no sweat left. The hottest day of the year so far.
	41°	Sunday 24 July Heatwave continues. A low-lying heat haze will persist throughout the morning, which may initially look like cool moisture in the air. Unfortunately it will actually be steam which is likely to produce third degree burns if allowed into prolonged contact with skin. The hottest day of the year so far.
	43°	Monday 25 July Heatwave continues. Passengers on the London Underground will be medium rare after travelling two stops and well done with delicious brown, crispy edges after five stops. Shade will be non-existent with sunlight penetrating even opaque objects. The hottest day of the year so far.
	49°	Tuesday 26 July Heatwave continues. Freak “hot snow” conditions are expected, blanketing much of England and Wales in piping hot snowflakes that are likely to bring transport to a standstill. Hot snow is capable of melting snow ploughs and so is difficult to clear. The hottest day of the year so far.
	54°	Wednesday 27 July Heatwave continues. Parts of South West England are expected to melt, with Devon and Cornwall becoming a large slick in the Atlantic. Pouring boiling water from a kettle over yourself will now constitute a refreshing way to cool down. The hottest day of the year so far.

Tea kitty

As you know, we operate a tea kitty for the communal kitchen area here at the Beans. This operates on a trust system which has, unfortunately, been abused. The big catering bags of sugar cubes have gone missing several times lately – presumed stolen – and now dirty mugs are being left in the sink without being washed up.

This is clearly unacceptable so, to make sure everyone understands their responsibilities, here are the rules for the kitchen area in full.

All Beans colleagues must pay one London pound or fifty Newcastle pounds into the kitty per month. This money will be used to buy tea, coffee, sugar and milk.
All colleagues must take it in turns to buy biscuits.
1. Ian may not eat all the biscuits.
2. If Jaffa Cakes are bought, there must be at least one full pack per person to avoid fights.
3. Chris will not eat Hob Nobs and this matter is not for debate.
4. Kev requires at least one type of biscuit suitable for dunking.
5. Tunnocks Teacakes qualify as a “biscuit” for the purpose of buying biscuits and may be eaten in one mouthful at the discretion of the individual.
6. Opened packets of biscuits are not to be removed from the kitchen. The smell of biscuits or the presence of stray crumbs can cause loud and distressing banging noises from the Character Hatch.
Pouring Beans branded mugs may not be taken home.
Do not drink milk from the bottle.
A microwave (800W) is provided for colleagues to heat up food that they have brought from home.
1. The microwave may not be used as a makeshift bed when Changlet visits.
2. The microwave may not be used to dry Ian’s fluffy pants, and no exception will be made regardless of the way in which they became damp.
Wash up your own cups.
Regardless of your views on their worth, Ian’s Mangapap Jap Crap may not be used to wipe down the work surfaces.
Do not use the kettle to heat up soup again.
Please consider other users of the kitchen when using the Soda Stream. Do not clog it up by attempting to add bubbles to custard, gravy or other viscous liquids.
Ian’s cask of Cheeky Dragon must be kept in the locked metal case at all times when not in use. A second Beans colleague must agree before any quantity of Cheeky Dragon may be decanted for consumption.
Don’t make Kev coffee, even as a joke. He will become violent.
When making jelly please use a bowl or other crockery. It is not acceptable to tilt the fridge onto its back and pour the jelly directly into it, especially if this results in Chris’s sandwiches being set into the middle of it.
Wash it, dry it, put it away. Excuses that rely upon “washing up monsters” are not acceptable.
Guests are entitled to one (1) hot beverage per visit or per week, whichever is less frequent. Guests may not drink any of Kev’s selection of real ales.
Do not leave teaspoons in the sink.

Obviously if the perpetrator of the sugar theft and dirty mugs is discovered, that person will suffer a suitable punishment.

Thank you.

Sport

Sport! We all know what sport is, but until recently I had no interest in it.

“Pah!,” I would say, “away with your sport”. Sometimes I would tut and shake my head. Sport was a mystery to me, something that affected others deeply and yet passed me by.

Well, no more. I’ve been bitten by the sport bug. I am a sport man now.

A narrow escape

I’ve been worrying about this for literally years.

Some time ago – I don’t know, let’s say in 2011 or 2012 – I was in my flat and I was multitasking. I thought myself pretty cool at the time. Task 1 was sharpening some kitchen knives by swiping the blades through my little knife sharpener thing. Task 2 was watching something on TV – chances are it was QI XL on Dave. I could literally do both those things at once. I was amazing.

To achieve this state of advanced productivity, I positioned myself in the kitchen of my flat, facing the TV, using the backrest of the sofa as my workbench.

Some time later – weeks, or months maybe – someone came over to my flat and asked me “what are these?” I followed their gesturing hand and found that the “these” in question were a number of incisions – knife wounds, no less – in several places on the top of the cushions at the back of my sofa.

Trouble is, it’s not my sofa, is it? No. It’s my landlord’s sofa.

I have been silently wondering how the seemingly inevitable conversation would go, and whether leaving it until I moved out, years later, would make things better or worse. Do I plead ignorance? Or do I admit everything and hope that honesty is the best policy?

Last week, fortune smiled upon me. The people moving into my flat after me will bring all their own furniture. They don’t want a sofa. Our new flat is unfurnished and we need a sofa. My landlord has a sofa that they no longer want.

And so I now find myself in legal possession of the cosmetically-damaged sofa, without having to explain its slightly damaged cushions to anyone, and having got away with my careless crime scot-free.

A narrow escape.

Four Word Reviews: Mr Lover Lover, The Best of Shaggy Part 1

Time for another review of an album nobody wanted but which I somehow found in my postbox anyway. This month, we’re giving “Mr Lover Lover: The Best of Shaggy…Part 1” a more in-depth listen than it was ever supposed to receive.

New flat

If you’ve been tapping my phone calls or you have psychic powers, you’ll already be aware that Elena and I have now concluded our search for a new home, a process that scoured the whole of south-east England and involved evicting a large number of people whose homes we thought we liked but then – tragically for those involved – decided weren’t quite right.

The Beans must, naturally, get the exclusive scoop on our new lodgings, so this post is here to present all the key details. Unfortunately no photographs of the dwelling are available at this time, but I am able to present the floor plan, as drawn up by the estate agent.

Floorplan

The main things we were looking for were space, lots of natural light, easy access to a station, and sufficient bathroom facilities. On the last point we had already ruled out apartments with just one bathroom on the grounds that, if we both needed a wee at the same time, it might start an argument. We then wondered what would happen if we had a dinner party and everyone wanted a wee at the same time – clearly some sort of ugly fracas or kerfuffle would ensue.

We were, therefore, delighted to find a home that anticipated this requirement – and, thanks to extremely innovative placement of its toilet facilities, it also has the advantage that during a dinner party everyone could simultaneously micturate without leaving the room and therefore without needing to interrupt the flow of the conversation. And of course, when there’s only the two of us, we can more or less go to the toilet wherever we are without having to move.

We look forward to welcoming you to our new home once we’ve moved in. Please bring your own toilet roll.

New Job Celebration

About a month ago Elena got a new job and, as you may remember, we decided we should celebrate it here on the Beans. Unfortunately, due to the hectic posting schedule we work with, and the huge backlog of important information that must be posted to the site, we have only just found time to fit it in.

So here we are with our celebration of Elena’s new job. Let’s get some facts from The Fact Penguin.

Behold The Fact Penguin

We asked The Fact Penguin these questions and it offered the following entirely factual answers.

What is the new job?
The new job is unstupiding children. Children are idiots.
Where is the new job?
The new job is near Orpington, which is a place that evidently has a problem with stupid children that needs to be addressed.
How much money will Elena earn?
Elena has signed a contract that guarantees her a weekly income of at least eight (8) London pounds, which at current exchange rates is equivalent to approximately ninety seven thousand Newcastle pounds.

After answering these questions The Fact Penguin indicated that we had reached the limit of questions for today, as specified in his contract, and decided to go for a swim. Please do not ask The Fact Penguin any further questions.

Champagne and low-cost nibbles will be served in the Banqueting Hall from 6 this evening. (The Banqueting Hall can be found at the far end of the lower ground floor picture gallery from the “Things” page of the website.) Please wear black tie so that The Fact Penguin does not feel overdressed.

Mid Thirties

A week or so ago, I turned 32.

This is an important moment. I’ve left behind the first couple and I am now officially in my thirties. I am in my thirties. When I was a teenager that phrase would have been more or less on a par with old age pensioner or incontinent geriatric.

Consequently, in my twenties, I made a serious mistake. I held on to my “early twenties” for far too long. 20, 21, 22 – nobody would argue that they are your early twenties. But I carried on thinking of myself as being in my early twenties at 23 and 24 too. That was fine at the time. I clung to my youth.

Then my 25th birthday arrived and with it came a terrible realisation. 25 had to be my mid twenties, there was no denying it. But if 20-24 had all been early twenties, then I had squeezed my mid twenties down to a year, and at 26 I was unwillingly hurled forwards into my late twenties. My late twenties. They were almost over with four years to go. Nightmare.

So with this decade of my life I am determined to get it right. Having turned 32, I am now officially declaring myself to have entered my mid thirties. By taking a hit now, and entering my mid thirties early, I can continue them much longer, and I don’t have to think of myself as reaching my late thirties until I’m 38, at which point I should be able to come to terms with the idea.

So here we are: 32, the beginning of my mid thirties, and an early sign that I might be learning from past mistakes. Sometimes.