Author: Chris5156

Avatar Terrible news

I don’t know how to tell you this. It’s too tragic for words.

In some ways we saw it coming, but still, when I walked down Church Road and saw what had happened, I couldn’t believe my eyes. Sexatronic has gone.

The sorry sight of a post-Sexatronic world

 

Once the home of Bum Chin Bollock Neck McGee, and then – gloriously immortalising the star of one of The Papples’ most inventive album tracks – home to Sexatronic herself, the stylish and cosmopolitan plywood sheeting has been removed after five years’ service and has been replaced with these unimaginative shop units.

We’ll never forget you, Sexatronic.

Avatar Hair by Ian

I suspect Ian’s natural shyness and modesty are to blame, but I have to say I was surprised to discover that he’s opened a hair salon in North London named after his new favourite word.

image

Avatar Trekkin’ Abroad: Futuristic Edition

Tomorrow morning I set sail for Greece. But what do we know of this far-off land of mystery? Until recently, perhaps only that everyone there was a god and they eat a lot of yogurt. But now it’s all over the news. Just look at some of these recent headlines:

  • Greece Is In A Right Old State (The Telegraph, 28 June 2015)
  • No Money Left In Greece At All (The Mirror, 30 June 2015)
  • Official Greek Currency Now Yogurt (Financial Times, 2 July 2015)

With this in mind, I have taken the latest Foreign Office advice and will be taking all the money I will need in the form of cold, hard cash, in a range of denominations and currencies. In the event that the Euro is scrapped and Greece returns to the Drachma, I have spent several evenings drawing my own Drachma notes and will be taking those with me. I am also taking a considerable amount of yogurt in the hopes that I can use it to barter for basic goods and services.

I’m not sure whether this approach will be enough to see me through a holiday or even if I will actually survive the trip, but I will attempt to keep you updated when I return as to whether I am still alive or whether I have been confiscated by the Bank of Greece as a hostage due to the deteriorating state of negotiations with the European Union.

Avatar New words added to dictionary

Every year we see in the news the list of the latest words that have been officially added to the Oxford English Dictionary. 2015 is no different, and in the last few days it’s been announced that the following all-too-familiar slang terms have finally made it into the English language.

sixwide (adj.)
Indicative of something which is not favoured or fashionable. Derived from the fact that Lego vehicles four studs wide are inherently better than those that are six studs wide. sixwider; sixwidest; sixwiddity. Opp: fourwide.

minwah (n.)
A unit of time equal to one earth minute.

totoro (adj.)
Descriptive of a state of completion or finality. When something is completely over and the matter is closed, it is totoro. Originally a contraction of the familiar phrase totally totally Romeo which is self-explanatory.

ramp (v.)
To copulate; to sex; to sire; to tup. Ramping refers to the most intimate act between two creatures and is usually employed to refer to the act being conducted either between animals or in the manner of animals. Generally any successful act is referred to as ramping [sthg] dry, e.g. “I totally ramped the hockey team dry”.

Avatar Object of the Year

Can you believe it’s that time of year again? The live final of Object of the Year is upon us again, and the finalists are going to the public vote.

The two finalists have worked hard and I don’t think anyone would deny that they both deserve their place in the final.

IMG_2687.JPG

On the left: the flask. Shiny, smooth, tall and well-insulated, it’s not just highly entertaining, it also seems to embody something indefinable about England.

On the right: the boots. Their tactile suede surface and shiny zips make them the showy one of the pair. They’re always seen together and their tapdancing duets are truly remarkable.

So – it’s that time – cast your vote now!

Call 0898 000 000 000 1 to vote for the flask.

Call 0898 000 000 000 2 to vote for the boots.

Calls may be recorded and monitored for training purposes. Each call will cost one third of your weekly gross income. Ask for permission from your local council before calling. All British Citizens must vote.