Author: Ian “Air Travel Regulations” McIver

Avatar State of the Beans Address – 2020: The Write-Off

Friends. Now is a time of crisis and uncertainty, of complications and sullenness the likes of which have not been seen for half a century or possibly longer.

The Bovona Virus has a name. It also has a face. The face that it has does not have as many eyes as I do but they look upon all as a mess to clear up. Not one of those easy messes where you sort of sweep everything into your hands and throw it in the bin. I am talking one of those adolescent messes, a mix of beans and PVA glue, scattered all over your carpet, trodden into the fabric repeatedly and then somehow heated up into a solid, disgusting mass. Human beings are that mass. Bovona wants you and your family hiding in a bin or worse.

The good news is that there are people out there, much smarter people, who are desperately trying to find a cure to this madness. There is one somewhere and they will find it. Like a some cache of Cadbury’s Creme Eggs hidden under a nut bush, these men and woman, these scientists of the modern era, will sniff out these eggs and distribute them amongst the population. When we finally get our eggs there will be great rejoicing and celebration. I personally will be setting aside at least three weeks to sit in a tree and marvel at the outside world. I may have to grow feathers and adopt the mannerisms of an owl, possibly have myself adopted into an owl or owl-like family, in order to survive and I will do. We will all survive. Myself and my owls will ensure it.

So the question remains: what should we do with the rest of 2020? Should we give it a little more time, like the great one-eyed songstress Gabrielle, and hope that the Summer, Autumn and Winter months redeem it? Should we remain patient in the face of adversity? Or, as I would recommend, should we bin the rest of the year, go into suspended animation and all wake up in 2021 to start afresh? Given that all manner of festivals, gigs and other events have been postponed indefinitely until further notice we could have a slew of everything at the same time. We could gorge on tasty morsels of this and that. Perhaps the whole world should take a week off and indulge like chubby beavers trapped in an Oak Furniture Land, in a relentless barrage of hedonistic behaviour and uncompromising lust. How fruity.

I have spoken. We shall prevail.

We need three and, thank Bobby Costanzo, we are three.

Avatar Isolation – North-East Edition

You will never believe what just happened to me! The short version is that I am currently being paid to not work. I am at home right now not working. If I try to work I will be shouted at profusely so I am sat not working on a beanbag listening to the radio.

The year 2020 has been a strange one so far and it continues to get weirder the more we slide through it. The outside world is still there, I can see it, through the big windows in the living room, and it looks fantastic. I reckon that for the moment I am going to stay here and admire it from afar. Besides, it looks a little chilly and I’ve got this patch of dry skin on my hands that the low temperature will not do any favours for.

I have decided to try and do one drawing, sketch or doodle a day for something to look forward to and possibly upload on Twitter (the Book of Faces does not deserve my “talents”) for the world to admire. I hope to have a wall of my efforts with which I can look back on and laugh slobbily, possibly sell to some passing rich aristocrat (they’re always using the footpaths round here) and then retire to the country, doing the same thing I’m doing now, but with a little more style, panache and some hot ladies in a hot tub serving hot drinks.

Look at me and be inspired.

Avatar Chris is Middlesbrough

I am Bruntingthorpe, that has previously been proven (see http://pouringbeans.com/i-am-bruntingthorpe/)

Now, given the choice, Chris has decided that he is Middlesbrough. Recent aerial photography can confirm this:

His cheery, cheeky face can now be seen by anyone flying over the Tyne Tees area. It is sure to bring more tourists up to this part of the world than the Sunderland Airshow and the Wetwang Scarecrow Festival combined.

Now it only remains for Kev to decide what part of the United Kingdom he will turn into.

Avatar Curious Architecture

As the weather slightly improves in the British Isles, with varying degrees of success, so I am more inclined to leave the warm confines of the office and stretch my legs in the outside world. It’s a bit of a shocker at the moment. If people aren’t panic-buying soap and toilet paper they’re worriedly moving along the street, covering their mouths and greeting everyone with the level of suspicion they would normally reserve for an old man in a trenchcoat.

I remain a flurry of activity in myself and have no concern about these matters for the moment. All I care about is what I’m putting in my mouth (and also how it affects the shares of Greggs, what with the dip of people decreasing the amount of wares sold during the breakfast and lunch period, of course).

With my recent increase in eyes I can now see more than I ever have done before and you will not believe what I came across the other day. There is a house near to the office with the most unusual of… how to describe, well take a look yourself:

At first I walked past, had to stop, turn around and go back to see if I had actually seen what I had seen.

Are they the tops of baby bottles? Are they nipples? Are they sand castles The colour doesn’t even try to match the brickwork underneath. They stand out an absolute mile. What on earth was the designer going through to concoct such a bizarre structure?

The good news is that the property is on the market so if you’re looking for a beautiful four bedroom detached house with luxurious stone boobs to greet you as you come home every evening then this is the house for you!

Avatar Easter Done Right

Easter is on the horizon and you are going to get smothered in talk of chocolate, eggs, bunnies and all sorts of plastic paraphernalia whether you like it or not. As businessman with a fifteen year old son, he no longer wishes to chase the imaginary rabbit in the hope of procuring an immeasurable pile of confectionery; all he cares about is cold, hard cash. There are, however, others who will have to fall in line. When I say fall in line I mean buy as many trinkets as possible for your children and possibly also your significant other. I know what you’re thinking though, there is something missing and you can’t quite put your finger on it.

What you need is something to seal that deal in that wigwam, you know the one I’m referring to. How do you keep the family appeased in this most confusing of times? You need Kevindo Menendez’s Bonny Egg Baskets.

‘Bonny Baskets‘

Hand-crafted from the most sensuous part of the pig, the eyelids, Kevindo Menendez’s Bonny Egg Baskets are what are missing from your extended Easter weekend; a dozen mouth-watering spheres of sweaty, meaty goodness generously licked with the mystery of our seventeen individual spices, and covered in chocolate. Guaranteed to lighten and brighten up the most nauseating of weekends, you can prepare them any way you like.

‘Bonny Baskets’

With one or two of these in their mouth, your children won’t be tempted to throw a tantrum and destroy your sense of peace and tranquility. He or she won’t believe the taste sensation going down his or her throat. It is the perfect accompaniment to whatever bobbins you plan to screen on the TV in the hopes of keeping them subdued.

‘Bonny Baskets’

You will be the king or queen of the Easter parade with these under your belt, or in your hand. Your kids will lose their shizz ten times over once they get a taste of the good life. Crack off a couple of these and you won’t need to break the bank, and their teeth, by ordering a lorry-load of inferior eggs to your doorstep. Do us all a favour and purchase Kevindo Menendez’s Bonny Egg Baskets.

‘Bonny Baskets’ ‘Bonny Baskets’ ‘Bonny Baskets’ ‘Bonny Baskets’

Fill up your trolleys and your stomachs. It’s got the Kevindo Menendez guarantee! Available in both the freezer and seasonal aisles at all good local supermarkets.

Avatar Wilmot in the Wild

The time is here. The time is now.

Look at the time. Now we’re late. What were you thinking?

As we have pirouetted into both a new year and a new decade we need to address a massive problem that has been in plain sight all this time and nobody has bothered to address. Luckily I have the brass cohonies to step up to the plate and plok that sucker right out of the park (what?) unlike everyone else.

Chris’ personal hero and best friend, Gary Wilmot, hasn’t been seen much recently. In fact the last time I saw him anywhere was around 2010 when he was playing the role of ‘guy in a tuxedo’ in some production of Chicago. You know, because he can sing and dance, and everyone loves him as a showman and all round entertainer? I expect his plate is full of meaty morsels however I want to bring him back to where Wilmers really shines and that’s on the television.

Here’s my idea – ‘Wilmot in the Wild’. It’s a light entertainment show, perfect for the 6:00pm to 8:00pm Saturday evening slot. Each week a series of contestants, those lucky members of the general public, are given some clues as to the whereabouts of where Gary Wilmot is hiding. They follow the clues to more clues and it’s a gigantic treasure hunt where Wilmers is the pot of gold waiting at the end. The first contestants to find him win a luxury hamper and get to perform a duet with Gary, on stage, at the local karaoke bar. We move around to a different city each week so we can really take in the sights up and down the country. The hampers can offer various local produce. I can even get some of my meat balls in there to really seal the deal in a wigwam.

Wilmers will, as a bonus, secretly stalk the contestants as they look for him with a view to offering a post-modern take on the gameshow format. He will also interview passers-by, usually dressed in a hilarious disguise, so nobody knows who he is.

This cannot fail. With the right financial backing I know that I can get this project up and running in time for the Autumn schedule. Start sending your money right now, please!

Avatar New Scientific Breakthrough

It has been a while since I delved into the wonderful world of writing and, following the celebration of my work by Chris last year in his wonderful post, I thought it was only right that I set about on a new project. The fans have been very patient so prior to the announcement through the mailing list I decided to officially let everyone know what I have been working on through the winter months.

Science; such a curious enigma, so many unanswered questions. It litters the streets with everything yet gives nothing back unless you’re willing to throw your legs in. If you breathe, you’re breathing science. If you sit on a bench, that’s science. Have you eaten a sandwich recently? That’s you tasting science. Whatever you’re wearing today that’s a big ole’ pile of science right there. I have personally stared into the eyes of science and feel as though I am now qualified to explain a small piece of the pie to those less fortunate.

Human beings? More like human doings and human goings. They may want you to believe that you are experiencing a wide range of emotions, they you are actually feeling more than really are. When you really take the time to review what it is to be a human you can pretty much allocate everything into two distinct categories:

(a) Confused
(b) Aroused

If you’re reading this you must be a human (or a dog with human eyes) so you know what I mean. All those times you felt “sad” or “hungry” it wasn’t that at all, someone put those words in your mouth. Let’s run through a few examples to explain the point:

Scenario 1

My hamster ran away, joined the circus and is now sending me hate mail in the post because I didn’t change his water as frequently as he wanted. How am I feeling?

ANSWER – Confused. You don’t know why your pet of three weeks has unleashed a hell of correspondence upon you. You may feel tears coming down your cheek but really it’s confusion.

Scenario 2

I am beside myself with “hunger”. I did not have any breakfast this morning and due to a heavy workload I will not be able to get out for a proper lunch. I guess I will have to settle for whatever meagre rations I have blurge from the vending machines. How am I feeling?

ANSWER – Aroused. All food is sex. You’re craving sex. That pang that you feel in your belly is nothing to do with wanting a Boots meal deal, you need the sensual touch of a woman / man / non-binary whatchamacallit.

Scenario 3

Black Lace have reformed, it is the original line-up and they are touring the country. It has been (I don’t know) thirty years since they last did so and the tickets go on sale tomorrow. You can feel the excitement, the rush and the stress of needing to be online exactly at 9:00am for those once-in-a-lifetime tickets. How am I feeling?

ANSWER – Aroused (and probably a little confused). Excitement is joy, joy is pleasure, pleasure is sex. You’re like a bear rubbing itself up against a tree. Why are you getting aroused at the thought of seeing Black Lace live? That’s why you’re also confused.

Light is green, trap is clean. I hope you can all appreciate the amount of effort that I have put into this scientific development; it has taken almost three days to put my findings into works that you non-sciencers would understand. You’re welcome, by the way.

I expect to finish my book in the summer, to be printed (and not set on fire) in autumn.