Author: Ian “Wolfwood” McIver

Avatar Phrase phase competition – Hallosween edition

You know what’s great about October?

No idea. No, I’m asking you what’s great about October. There’s very little to go on given the state of the weather and the fact that the heating seems to come on every five minutes.

Only kidding! Everyone knows that October is FUN FUN FUN because of Hallosween. Bring out your monsters! Bring out your chaps! It’s killing time for all. Sween!

Time for an unnecessarily themed edition of everyone’s favourite monthly phrase competition.

Before we start, let’s get a bunch of tired, boring pun-based phrases out of our system so we can let the “good” ones breathe properly:

  • Bat’ll be the end of me
  • Phrases? You don’t have a ghost of a chance of coming up with one
  • I don’t know, erm, witches for breakfast?
  • Fangs for the suggestions, owl take them on board

There. Much better.

Creepadelica (?):

  • Bonearino cappuccino! – crack this one off shortly before doing something silly like skydiving or purchasing butter insurance
  • Reel in that pumpkin, you’ve scored a blinder – agreeing with someone’s point so candidly you catch them off guard
  • A black cat between the eyes is worth two up the Dundee – something your granny would say and you’d be too scared to ask what she actually meant
  • Where where wolf beware, smell your children if you dare – childhood playground taunt that could work with the primary school crowds
  • Leave me covered in slutty witches why don’t you – the disappointment in your tone will dispel any confusion as to what you’re on about

Now that we’ve all been suitably chilled to the bone, what are your efforts? Can you come up with anything better? I’d like to see you try.

No, I’d really like to see you try. We barely get any contributions these days.

Avatar The end of Zero

It is with a heavy heart that I pass on the bad news that my car, Zero, has gone to the big car park in the sky.

She developed a fault that was too expensive to repair and so she was scrapped like so many before her.

The process was long and annoying, so I won’t bore you with the details.

Nine years we were together. After the disaster of that black piss dispenser someone sold me that only lasted six months, and temporarily borrowing the “yellow peril”, with zany automatic sliding doors that could cut you in half, Zero was the big boy car I had always wanted and needed.

So long, farewell, some European goodbyes and I’m done.

Avatar Q & A with one of the Happy Salad Boys (again)

You’re not seeing things.

We’ve managed to track down another one of those boys to find out what’s going on in his perennial noggin, what’s perplexing his grey matter. Let’s have a sit down and a chat with Drake Fondles!

Name: Drake Fondles

Age: Old enough

What type of boy band member are you: I’m the talent, the songwriter, the visionary, the artist. I write the words to all the songs then hand them to someone else to rewrite and fix to someone else’s music

How many curls: enough to fill a wheelbarrow

I most look like: a dainty flower fixed upon a mountain hilltop in the flurriest of weather but also on a summer’s day

Best celebrity chicken: Florence Chuckles

Chaffinch – controversial?: I’d rather you didn’t bring it up

Pour me a mug of: delicious melodies sprinkled with stardust

Fuzziest television: Uncle Tupperware’s

How “me” are you: I am more you than you ever were, and I can guarantee that. In fact, I’m going to write a song about it right now

Finish this phrase, “Shoulder shrug…”: emotionless mug

Avatar Phrase phase competition – September

Back once again with the renegade master. The renegade master being me. I am your renegade master.

Can we keep unearthing the gold? Can we unopen the vestibule and then reopen it again for clarity? Can we stretch WORDS any further than we already have?

Let’s find out:

  • Joke meister general, here; time to josh up your regions! – possibly includes a few too many dated references to pass for modern audiences
  • I want you to know I am flush outta sunshine – a sincere confession from the heart, you’re really not feeling it today
  • Trees’ll cockle ye snatch, sonny – nobody actually knows what it means and that adds to the mystery if you ask me
  • If I were you, I wouldn’t wanna know you – a classic from the archive, ready for its time again in the glorious sunshine. A savage put down
  • When I left you at the party line, I noticed your clingfilm – great opening line to a catchy pop song, possibly sung by Sabrina Carpenter or one of those other ones

Exhilarating in every sense of the word.

October is going to have to pull a blinder in order to beat some of those. Could the chilly season dig up even better ideas? We shall see.

Avatar Q & A with one of the Happy Salad Boys

That’s right.

We’ve managed to secure another exclusive and this time it’s a questions mit answers with one of the Happy Salad Boys; Chester Kneesup!

Name: Chester Kneesup

Age: Wa-hey, look at me

What type of boy band member are you: I’m the funny one, the cheeky scamp who gets away with anything

Favourite rocks: the ones you find by the sea

I look most like: a right old stack of Brazil nuts

Best outfit: my Robin Hood bomber jacket and tweed socks

Pour me a mug of: hot gravel, please

Slippers or mandibles: definitely mandibles because I think they’re rather fetching, whereas slippers are old like dad’s ham

How many ghandis are too many: any number over tooty

Favourite ice cubes: the ones from tim’s house, they’re delightfully pleasant

Finish this phrase, “roll me an onion…”: before the headmaster catches the figs!

Avatar Newsboost – the Happy Salad Boys return

We have exclusive news down here at the Newsboost HQ that sexy boy band the Happy Salad Boys are due to release a new album by the end of the month.

You’ve all heard of them by now. They seemed to appear out of nowhere around 18 months ago, four jolly lads with an eye for a tune and expert marketing and choreography to match. Their debut album ‘Mushrooms, yeah?’ went straight in at number one, featuring twelve of the grooviest, hippest and most vegetable-est songs you’ve ever heard. Since then, Chester Kneesup, Drake Fondles, Tyler ‘whoops’ Aplenty and (no capital letter, please) tim have been on every magazine cover, website and advertising billboard this side of Chelmsford.

A sold out tour followed, taking in all the major cities and stadiums the UK could manage. They were so popular they sold out Wembley five times, and forced Ed Sheeran to a smaller venue to coo his acoustic love songs to five people instead of six (sorry, Ed).

Whats the new album called? That hasn t been leaked yet, although the fervent fans are casting their votes as to which vegetable they might choose next.

“All our albums will be named after vegetables,” said Drake Fondles, the self proclaimed leader of the four. “Because vegetables matter.”

Will it be artichokes? Will it be spring onions? Will it be something completely different such as an autumnal swede? We only have a few weeks to wait.

Stay tuned for more Happy Salad Boys exclusives coming very soon.

Avatar Butter insurance

Take a moment to think about it. Do you have enough cover for your spread?

You may think that butter is something to take for granted because you can buy it from every corner shop and supermarket. It’s readily available. It’s on the tips of your fingers every single day.

But what if it wasn’t? What if it was gone without any explanation whatsoever? What would you do then? Opt for margarine? Would that really do? Are you going to sit your children down and explain to them that margarine is the best you can do?

Here are Butters McButters Inc, we offer the finest butter insurance money can buy. Our lavish offices may suggest we’re all about the profits and satisfying the shareholders with champagne every Friday, but let me reassure you that your butter needs are what’s on my mind 24/7.

What you get with one of our policies is more than your average butter insurance policy; you get peace of mind. If your butter gets stolen, we will replace that butter with a full packet within 24 hours. If we manage to catch the thieves, we’ll give you your butter back… with a smile and a thumbs up. We also cover for many different butter scenarios such as:

  • Not wrapping the butter back properly so that a bit of it goes hard and weird
  • Accidentally wasting some of it because someone didn’t put it securely on the fridge shelf so it fell down and wiped a bit on the shelf below
  • Clowns
  • Bees
  • Preparing some fresh toast and going to pick up the butter only to realise your wife used the last of it earlier on this morning and you’ve got nothing left to smother on that piping hot breakfast

Can your insurance company guarantee you for all of this? I sincerely doubt it.

Don’t put yourself in an uncomfortable position; get butter cover now before the worst happens. You butter believe we’re the best in the biz!