Category: Absolutely superb

Avatar Stop your life! Everyday solutions

What do you do when you want to talk to girls? Do you have a manual that you refer to?
WRONG. Books cannot help. What about some chat up lines?
WRONG. They never work, they’ve been heard a million times before and you’ll sound like a cheese ball. What you need is the Smoochies Inc patented Incense Talk to Girls System*.

In order to cope with the crazy world of women you need a foolproof method. We have your back and we have your method. All you need is the Smoochies Inc Incense Talk to Girls system in your back pocket. Whilst it may look like a picture of incense sticks from the shop I wandered into this weekend, it’s actually the secret to talking to the ladies.

Picture this: you can talk normal people proper but when it comes to the opposite sex you struggle. Whip out the ITG system and you’ve got everything you need. Assimilate the names into any sentence for instant sex appeal. For example:

“Hey Sweet Fig, strap on your Lavender Blue and we’ll be Just Peachy.”

“Oh French Vanilla, you put the Fizzy Pop in my Nag Champer.”

“Girl, when you take me to your Butterfly Garden I am gonna Black Love your Mango.”

There is no way you can go wrong. You’ll be winning with women before you know it. Clear out your diary because you are booked for the next few months, Casanova. And so on. Smoothies Inc – guaranteed (ish).

*Not to be confused with the Smooches Inc patented Girl Talk System.

Avatar Smidge on Science: Rain

Seventeen days have gone by since Smidge Manly’s last video, and as seventeen is the number most associated with the Bard of Barnsley, it must be time for his next outing into the world of science.

Rain: you probably think you understand it, because it’s just water and you see it all the time. Well, you’re wrong. Smidge is about to show you just how little you know, and how little he knows too.

Avatar Smidge on Science: Cars

In this confusing and ever-changing world, we can all welcome a bit of guidance; an expert voice who can make things clear and brush away our doubts. Nowhere is the need for that clarity and wisdom more necessary than in the realm of science.

Thankfully, Smidge Manly is here and, over four episodes, he’s going to explain all there is to know about the “big four” scientific disciplines: time, wind, rain, and cars.

Obviously, he’s going to start with cars.

The next episode will arrive in precisely seventeen days, by order of Kev.

Avatar Shoe FM

“… the time is coming up to 12:17 right here on Shoe FM, churning out the best in shoe and shoe-related music all day, every day.

As ever I am your host through the toast, Jazz Bungleton, ready and willing to satisfy your need for tweed. We can take it nice and slow or go hell for leather; whatever the occasion.

Once the mid-mid-morning news is out of the way I will be playing the pink-tastic ‘I Only Have Eyes for Shoe’ by the fantabulous Flamingoes swiftly followed by ‘Shoe to Me are Everything’ by the Real Thing, one of those toe-tappers you cannot help but get off your feet and dance to; I know I will be. Then it’ll be a triple whammy of ‘Only Shoe’ by the Platters, ‘Only Shoe’ by Sting and ending with the lovely ‘Only Shoe’ by Yazoo.

If there is a better playlist out there I would like to see it myself because I do not believe it exists.

Later on today we will also be playing our wonderful game ‘Shoe Do You Think You Are?’ where listeners are invited to call in with a chance to win a year’s supply of shoe polish courtesy of our brilliant sponsors Kiwi, the world’s number one classic shoe polish.

Sandra Qwango is prepped and ready to force a large chunk of news-ical information down your ears in about one minute and fifty six seconds time once I have rubbed you down with a healthy dose of ‘From Me to Shoe’ by our Liverpudlian laughter hounds, The Beatles.

You are most welcome!”

Avatar The BEST plate you’ll EVER see

Sometimes things speak for themselves.

Other times, it is best to put words in their mouths for your own amusement.

 

“I feel it’s only fair to say, Jim, that I’m the one who’s sleeping with Marilyn.”

“I know, Alistair. I’ve always known.”

 

“Forgive me?”

“Forgive you for what?”

“For everything. For meeting you, in the first place. For taking the piece of grit out of your eye. For loving you. For bringing you so much misery.”

“I’ll forgive you if you forgive me.”

 

“I want to believe you Kenneth, I really do, but none of it would make sense unless you knew the location of the pharaoh’s eye shield. Which is why I slipped the strychnine into that lemonade you’ve been sipping for the last five minutes…”

 

“Linda, would you do me the honour of giving me your hand in marriage?”

“You’re not Barry! What have you done with my boyfriend?!”

 

“Hi, my name is Mandy. I’m new to the neighbourhood and I was looking to borrow a cup of sugar?”

“Sure, come right in.”

Sexy saxophone music plays.

Avatar Competition Time

It’s that time again. I am sure we have had competitions in the past so why not crack off a new year with a new competition?

What do you see with your eyes?

As I have many pairs of eyes, I have chosen to look at this particular picture with my looking eyes. I was going to peer however I changed my mind at the last minute.

What you can see is previous Pouring Beans / Nish star Flat Kitty who has gone up in the world. Not only is she now one of the most fashionable, flattest cats in the world but she is also leader of a proto international underground organisation, who mainly rule through fear and terrifying oppression. They have invaded a tiny province in Bosnia and Herzegovina, and have set up camp in the middle of the town. It was bound to happen; she has been lining this up for the last decade or so. The only surprise is that she did not achieve this any earlier.

So, onto the competition. What you need to do is to come up with the funniest, strangest or most downright rudest comments to go under, on top or in both parts of the picture. The winning entry will have their efforts formally approved, laminated (maybe) and possibly even stretched onto the side of a building.

Entries must be submitted by 12:00am on 9th February 2018. Good luck!

Avatar Cynical Filler

What do you mean?

Who says that this is just a cynical ploy to cram in another post before the end of the month because I forgot to do others during the early part of December? Who says that I am writing whatever comes to mind just to fill enough space to constitute another post for me and my tally?

Who is daring to stand there accusing me of all these things? Who has the ten ton tissue balls to climb up on top of their work station to point the finger at me? Where the hell do you get off blaming me for these matters when there are much bigger, wider, nastier things that you could be accusing me of?

Wait, forget that last one…

Where is the cause for all this animosity when I have done nothing wrong? Why don’t you take a long, cool drink in the mirror and leave me alone scoffing in the corner, counting my beans and giggling like a mouse high on charcoal?

So there.