Category: Absolutely superb

Avatar The BEST plate you’ll EVER see

Sometimes things speak for themselves.

Other times, it is best to put words in their mouths for your own amusement.

 

“I feel it’s only fair to say, Jim, that I’m the one who’s sleeping with Marilyn.”

“I know, Alistair. I’ve always known.”

 

“Forgive me?”

“Forgive you for what?”

“For everything. For meeting you, in the first place. For taking the piece of grit out of your eye. For loving you. For bringing you so much misery.”

“I’ll forgive you if you forgive me.”

 

“I want to believe you Kenneth, I really do, but none of it would make sense unless you knew the location of the pharaoh’s eye shield. Which is why I slipped the strychnine into that lemonade you’ve been sipping for the last five minutes…”

 

“Linda, would you do me the honour of giving me your hand in marriage?”

“You’re not Barry! What have you done with my boyfriend?!”

 

“Hi, my name is Mandy. I’m new to the neighbourhood and I was looking to borrow a cup of sugar?”

“Sure, come right in.”

Sexy saxophone music plays.

Avatar Competition Time

It’s that time again. I am sure we have had competitions in the past so why not crack off a new year with a new competition?

What do you see with your eyes?

As I have many pairs of eyes, I have chosen to look at this particular picture with my looking eyes. I was going to peer however I changed my mind at the last minute.

What you can see is previous Pouring Beans / Nish star Flat Kitty who has gone up in the world. Not only is she now one of the most fashionable, flattest cats in the world but she is also leader of a proto international underground organisation, who mainly rule through fear and terrifying oppression. They have invaded a tiny province in Bosnia and Herzegovina, and have set up camp in the middle of the town. It was bound to happen; she has been lining this up for the last decade or so. The only surprise is that she did not achieve this any earlier.

So, onto the competition. What you need to do is to come up with the funniest, strangest or most downright rudest comments to go under, on top or in both parts of the picture. The winning entry will have their efforts formally approved, laminated (maybe) and possibly even stretched onto the side of a building.

Entries must be submitted by 12:00am on 9th February 2018. Good luck!

Avatar Cynical Filler

What do you mean?

Who says that this is just a cynical ploy to cram in another post before the end of the month because I forgot to do others during the early part of December? Who says that I am writing whatever comes to mind just to fill enough space to constitute another post for me and my tally?

Who is daring to stand there accusing me of all these things? Who has the ten ton tissue balls to climb up on top of their work station to point the finger at me? Where the hell do you get off blaming me for these matters when there are much bigger, wider, nastier things that you could be accusing me of?

Wait, forget that last one…

Where is the cause for all this animosity when I have done nothing wrong? Why don’t you take a long, cool drink in the mirror and leave me alone scoffing in the corner, counting my beans and giggling like a mouse high on charcoal?

So there.

Avatar WEAPONS!

How do you store your weapons?

Do you keep them in a cupboard? Do you show them off in a stunning display in the nook at the top of the stairs? Are they lightly nailed to the wooden beam across the dining room ceiling?

A charity shop near where my mum lives likes to keep them in a wooden cot or a crib (I’m not entirely sure which one it is) because that’s how they roll. There’s no room for a baby in there, only tools of war.

The next time you’re trying to make your friends jealous with the chainsaw you just bought, why not take a leaf out of their book? There’s nothing more eye-catching than a cot full of weapons.

Soon everyone will be doing it. Make sure you get there first.

Avatar Loudermilk

Loudermilk. Loudermilk. Is it a request? “This milk is a little quiet for my liking; could I have some Loudermilk please?”

Is it a company? A Finnish crime drama?

It’s none of these things. Loudermilk is a surname. I recently caught the beginning of an episode of what seems like an endless stream of Power Rangers series’. The newest is called something like Mega Team Force Pencil Schnapps Eyebrows. One of the actors is the brilliantly named John Mark Loudermilk.

Then, just to seal the deal in a wigwam, if you type it into Google something else completely different comes up.

‘Loudermilk’ is an American TV comedy series about a recovering alcohol and substance abuse councillor with a bad attitude.

This morning I was not even aware of the word and now I know two very differing kinds of Loudermilk. Could there be more? As I once told Eamonn Holmes, “there’s only one way to find out!”

Unfortunately the library is closed today so we will all have to wait.

This just continues the theory that everything that should be invented has already been invented. Had I been in charge, however, I would have preferred the name ‘Shoutymilk’, and Brian Blessed would have had top billing.

Avatar Book news

Are you ready?

OK then, here it is.

The Book is finished.

I have finally, FINALLY, written the final page of the Book and the story is complete. I’m going to scan it in so you can read it to your children and share it with your friends, and you’ll have to wait until then to get hold of the thrilling finale. What will happen to Eric Bins? Will Dr. Rombobulous Combobulation succeed? Only time will tell.

In the meantime, I’ve typed it up so that we don’t have to read handwriting in the online version, and I can present you with some statistics.

The finished book is 34 pages long, which means we all did eleven pages and I did one extra at the end.

  • Ian wrote 2,563 words
  • Kev write 2,505 words
  • I wrote 3,220 words and am therefore the winner

The first page of the book was written on 10 January 2009, and I finished writing the last one on Thursday, so it has taken us 3,226 days to write it, or exactly eight years and ten months. We have averaged one page every 94 days – less than four a year – or, if you prefer, two and a half words a day. I think we can all be proud of that.

Avatar The slide

What’s the biggest slide you’ve ever been down? I am asking because I have definitely been down a bigger slide than you and I am planning to smugly win this.

I have been down THIS slide.

It’s part of the weird red metal lumpy thing that was built for the Limpety Pinpicks in 2012. It takes 40 seconds to go down it and I spent a fair amount of that time saying things like WHEEEEE and AAAAAARGH and WOOHOOOOO.

It drops a total height of over 100m, which is the equivalent of a slide going down to the ground from the 30th floor. It is bigger than the biggest slide you have ever been down. I win. Ha.