Category: Absolutely superb
The dancing monkey
There are many complex and bewildering technologies to master in my new job, but probably none more complex or bewildering than the robotic dancing alarm monkey.
Alarms go off quite regularly, you see. We look after technical things, lots of them, and the technical things are all wired up to an alarm system, so when something goes wrong it comes up on a screen and an alarm goes off. Then we press a button to make the noise stop and see if anything needs to be done.
The alarm could just come out of a speaker. That would certainly make sense. Instead, though, it’s been wired up to an animatronic monkey with inbuilt speakers. He makes the alarm sound, and he dances from side to side while he makes it. By such means the announcement of a potentially catastrophic system failure is made delightfully charming. This is, with no danger of overstatement whatsoever, one of the best things about my job.
If you have a need to make noises in your job, I would recommend getting yourself a dancing monkey. You won’t regret it.
Smidge on Science: Time
What is time? I don’t know. I mean, I know what It’s Time is – it’s a horrendous album – but I don’t know what time is. And you don’t either. If you think you do, try explaining it to someone, and you’ll immediately hear the ignorance falling stupidly out of your mouth.
Not to worry. Smidge Manly, renowned world expert on railways and Essex, returns once again to the world of science to answer all your questions.
That’s the last in the present series of Smidge on Science. Will he be back? We simply don’t know. Only time will tell.
Dedication
Dedication. Say it out loud because you won’t be hearing much of that word for much longer. Why? Because dedication has a new name and that name is Christopher James Marshall.
Lunacy is infectious, much like laughter and most Class A drugs. Lunacy is responsible for a lot of things and I expect when they eventually drag me away, kicking and screaming, wrapped in a My Little Pony sleeping bag, it will be something that I try to pin the blame on in the hope they’ll let me go. When it comes to a lot of my nonsense it’s about 50/50 as to whether anyone else will join in. Some of it is too much, even for me, so I fully understand when people choose to ignore and carry on with their lives. For instance, this morning I was thinking about Loudermilk (again), an old animal’s home for all of Bob Ross’ woodland creature friends and Korean Karaoke (because it sounds nice).
Occasionally though the baton will be picked up and well and truly ran all the way to the finishing line. That baton was a petition to reinstate Monty Don back in the band Beats International. Even though none of that sentence makes sense in the real world, Chris took that petition and got it fully signed.
Two hundred and eleven individual signatures. Two hundred and eleven people. People may scoff that our generation never amounted to anything but I will wave this petition in their faces to prove them wrong. What an achievement. What a level of dedication unheard of in this day and age. So based on this and this alone, the word ‘dedication’ should be replaced with ‘Chris Marshall’.
What a level of Chris Marshall unheard of in this day and age.
You heard me.
Stop your life! Everyday solutions
What do you do when you want to talk to girls? Do you have a manual that you refer to?
WRONG. Books cannot help. What about some chat up lines?
WRONG. They never work, they’ve been heard a million times before and you’ll sound like a cheese ball. What you need is the Smoochies Inc patented Incense Talk to Girls System*.
In order to cope with the crazy world of women you need a foolproof method. We have your back and we have your method. All you need is the Smoochies Inc Incense Talk to Girls system in your back pocket. Whilst it may look like a picture of incense sticks from the shop I wandered into this weekend, it’s actually the secret to talking to the ladies.
Picture this: you can talk normal people proper but when it comes to the opposite sex you struggle. Whip out the ITG system and you’ve got everything you need. Assimilate the names into any sentence for instant sex appeal. For example:
“Hey Sweet Fig, strap on your Lavender Blue and we’ll be Just Peachy.”
“Oh French Vanilla, you put the Fizzy Pop in my Nag Champer.”
“Girl, when you take me to your Butterfly Garden I am gonna Black Love your Mango.”
There is no way you can go wrong. You’ll be winning with women before you know it. Clear out your diary because you are booked for the next few months, Casanova. And so on. Smoothies Inc – guaranteed (ish).
*Not to be confused with the Smooches Inc patented Girl Talk System.
Smidge on Science: Rain
Seventeen days have gone by since Smidge Manly’s last video, and as seventeen is the number most associated with the Bard of Barnsley, it must be time for his next outing into the world of science.
Rain: you probably think you understand it, because it’s just water and you see it all the time. Well, you’re wrong. Smidge is about to show you just how little you know, and how little he knows too.
Smidge on Science: Cars
In this confusing and ever-changing world, we can all welcome a bit of guidance; an expert voice who can make things clear and brush away our doubts. Nowhere is the need for that clarity and wisdom more necessary than in the realm of science.
Thankfully, Smidge Manly is here and, over four episodes, he’s going to explain all there is to know about the “big four” scientific disciplines: time, wind, rain, and cars.
Obviously, he’s going to start with cars.
The next episode will arrive in precisely seventeen days, by order of Kev.
Shoe FM
“… the time is coming up to 12:17 right here on Shoe FM, churning out the best in shoe and shoe-related music all day, every day.
As ever I am your host through the toast, Jazz Bungleton, ready and willing to satisfy your need for tweed. We can take it nice and slow or go hell for leather; whatever the occasion.
Once the mid-mid-morning news is out of the way I will be playing the pink-tastic ‘I Only Have Eyes for Shoe’ by the fantabulous Flamingoes swiftly followed by ‘Shoe to Me are Everything’ by the Real Thing, one of those toe-tappers you cannot help but get off your feet and dance to; I know I will be. Then it’ll be a triple whammy of ‘Only Shoe’ by the Platters, ‘Only Shoe’ by Sting and ending with the lovely ‘Only Shoe’ by Yazoo.
If there is a better playlist out there I would like to see it myself because I do not believe it exists.
Later on today we will also be playing our wonderful game ‘Shoe Do You Think You Are?’ where listeners are invited to call in with a chance to win a year’s supply of shoe polish courtesy of our brilliant sponsors Kiwi, the world’s number one classic shoe polish.
Sandra Qwango is prepped and ready to force a large chunk of news-ical information down your ears in about one minute and fifty six seconds time once I have rubbed you down with a healthy dose of ‘From Me to Shoe’ by our Liverpudlian laughter hounds, The Beatles.
You are most welcome!”
The people have spoken and…
… is what they said. Never let it be said that here at Pouringbeans we don’t give the people what they want. We do, we always do, and we give them it in spades. SPADES!
Without any more fuss, let me present to you, straight from the ever-busy laboratories of Kevindo Menendez…
Antimatter Water
In an interview with New Scientist, Menendnez said:
The article goes on to state that “In 1999, NASA gave a figure of $62.5 trillion per gram of antihydrogen” so we can only gasp in awe at the sheer cost of the singular glass of Antimatter Water that Menendez managed to create.
The glass of impossibly expensive anti-water will be presented to a Mr. C. Marshall, along side a selection of budget waters from Aldi, at an upcoming meeting to discuss the ludicrous installation of additional eyes to Mr. Marshall’s face.