Newsboost – Mecha Chris attacks!

News just in! Tokyo has reported a mechanical monster on the outskirts of the city. When questioned as to what it looked like, experts merely shrugged and mumbled something about some berk from France.

Mecha Chris appears to be the combination of a giant 100ft machine and our very own Christopher Marshall who unwisely posted the details of his genes on the website. Seemingly innocent, this has caused most of the dark web to steal his DNA and weave it into a multitude of diabolical projects. We’ve also heard rumours of a giant octopus off the coast of Italy sporting his viso/volto and a hive of bees in Washington DC, buzzing about roadworks and a string of road closures on the A47 in Norfolk over the summer holidays.

“It must be a synthetic mesh of man and machine,” gushed monster expert, Dylan Stretcher, “DNA on its own is useless, you’ve gotta mix it in with a bunch of other goo to make life. If you then take that goo and stick it in a humongous robot then we’re all doomed. I’m surprised Eamonn Holmes didn’t think of it sooner. Science is a cruel mistress.”

Recently qualified Kevin Hill, science master, was unavailable for comment, possibly due to laziness and things.

Though jovial in his appearance, Mecha Chris has already crushed several sandcastles, one ice cream van and a sushi hut as he emerged from the sea. People have been unable to buy overpriced iced lollies for over an hour. If he continues along the same path, he is expected to crush most of Tokyo by 6pm today.

We can only hope that some equally large competitor can emerge to stop the menace before it spreads to the rest of the world.

What else will happen now that the world has access to his life pulp? Will Chris ever learn from his mistakes? Can we expect to see dozens of clones of him running security at a Spice Girls tribute act? Only time will tell how long this joke will go on.

ABOFB 39: An Oral History of Pouring Beans (ish)

In a slight change to the usual episodes, today we have a self aggrandising look back over our voluminous body of online work under the Pouring Beans name. Everyone does these thing on nice round numbers or important dates usually, but not us. No Sir. Basically we read our own stuff back to ourselves. We discuss:

Why is it called that?
How did it begin
Some McIver poetry
Remembering is fun

Open source Chris

Here I am with a microscope. But what can I see?

I’d just taken a swab from my cheek and under the ‘scope was a sample of my own facial cells (or “facells”, as biologists call them). And once I’d managed to zoom in enough, I saw this.

It’s my DNA.

There it is in all its glory, all those chains of genetic information that make me so brilliantly unique. And now that I’ve put it online, it’s open source, free for anyone else to come along and use it, remix it and build on it. Feel free to take a screenshot and use it for your own biological experiments.

I’m hopeful that this is the beginning of an amazing new age where there are millions of clones of me running around everywhere. A world of genetically engineered Chrises wherever you look.

What will you do with my DNA? Let me know in the comments.

ABOFB 38: Depressing Food

Ey up Beans fans, we’re back again, right on time, like Black Box but spelled right. This time Chris asks us about the most depressing foods we’ve eaten, we discuss…

Generic Fried Chicken
Headrow Shopping Centre Food Court Pies
Not Roast Potatoes
Bad Burgers

Last minute rush

“… so nobody eat the mushroom cake because you could come out in a rash.

Moving onto our last race of the month, we see the “young” McIver slapping together whatever nonsense that could constitute as a post in order to fill his quota of four. It’ll probably have numerous spelling errors, make very little sense and be as disposable as any film created and released by Netflix.

Chris “Consider Me” Marshall, once the dark horse of the beans collective, now demoted to digging holes in his back garden and filling them with water just to get some attention. It’s a shameful practice and hopefully one that will eventually peter out because what the crowds want is more bathroom art and weird things he sees on the train to work posts. They ALWAYS go down a storm.

We finish, if you can call it a finish due to the unpredictable nature of the man, with the scant offerings of Kevin “Podcast pirate” Hill. Will he slide in with another podcast shortly before the end whistle? Will he be too tired to edit and post one? Does he have enough thumbs for the process after whittling so many wooden spoons? Only time will tell.

It’s going to be a scrabble however you look at it. Still we should all be grateful that these titans of men, these pillars of hope keep generating enough content to fill a website. Where others have fallen, they continue to get back up. I know I never get sick of reading it.

Anyway, onto Purdy’s prediction corner!”

ABOFB 37: This is Your Life (Movie)

A Breath of Fresh Beans returns from the loo, with a lovely ponderance from Ian about who would play each of us in the move adaption of our life stories. We discuss…

Kev’s manly physique
Chris becomes arousing
The many stages of Ian
Alternative castings… No Crossovers!

ABOFB 36: Nip to the loo

Welcome to back to a breath of fresh beans, this week we’re just going to nip to the loo, don’t worry, not literally (we did that before we started recording).

Suggestions in this pod are:

Weird
Posh
Nosy
Espionagey

ABOFB 35: SportsCast – Eggers

Welcome to SportsCast! We all definitely know lots and lots about the sports, and this time around we delve deep into everyone’s favourite, ~~Rugby~~ Eggers!

We run you through:

Collecting the feathers
Gloves or no gloves
Results and reactions